Transition Journal Part I - Runa Morgen

Transition Journal

This is my entire, deeply personal transition journal, which I started after several years of self medicating (which I began in 2014) and continued through formal HRT, coming out, multiple waves of increased anti-trans public sentiment, Trump's first presidency, bottom surgery and now Trump's second rise to power in 2025. It's all also very much unfiltered and generally written at more emotional and difficult times. 

I first started this journal as a concealed cry for help, and then continued to add to it as my journey evolved. It mostly served to help me sort out and cope with difficult thoughts and emotions. Suicidal thoughts and depression are very common themes throughout. I keep this journal here for anyone, especially those working through similar emotions. The gravest difficulty facing our kind is that others hardly see us as human. If any such person is reading these words, I hope you'll continue reading and take this chance to see life through my eyes.

 

I grew up in the early 1990's (rural Northeast US),  and learned very early in childhood that the best way for me to survive those times was through hiding my feelings and identity through self-suppression, and deep disassociation. In those times, most gay children were run out of town, kicked out onto the street by their families, or sent to conversion therapy. Transgender kids like myself were practically unheard of and had to navigate the torture of incongruous puberty and anti-queer violence alone and in silence. Only the bravest and self-secure of us ever showed their true selves to anyone, and when they did they nearly always lost everything. Everything about myself that was actually real and authentic was a secret known only to me. I wouldn't dare speak a word about really being a girl to my parents or closest friends until well into adulthood, long after the physical and mental trauma had taken their toll. After I moved out and had enough space and safety for some reflection I was eventually able to start excavating my true self back out of the manufactured personality I had built to carry me through. I started secretly transitioning in 2014 after my spouse and I conceived our child, and I finally came out as transgender in my late 20's.

I only hope sharing this helps as much as other's shared experiences helped me 💜 -Runa

 

Since I'm moving my eclectic assortment of old cringy intros out of the way, a few notes: 

 

There's an obvious evolution of self perception from start to finish. I briefly considered myself non-binary for example simply because I felt unworthy or not ready to fully embrace the truth of my identity which society was extremely unaccepting of. Gatekeeping was harsh in those times from the medical community as well as from other trans people. And from humiliation to violence to financial ruin, society did everything it could to discourage anyone from accepting one's transgender identity. Accepting the truth of transness after decades of such suppression was a challenge few outside of this experience will ever understand. 

Coming out and admitting my own identity was my greatest fear for most of my life, but once I did, everything improved far more than I ever could have imagined, and so did my understanding of myself.

 

I know I'm neuroatypical, and psychological trauma obviously left me with some significant mental scars and disassociation issues, which does become especially evident in some of my entries.

I did self-medicate at first, which is not something I'd recommend unless there was no other option. That said, I didn't omit any details in documenting my doses and experiences. For the sake of accuracy, the integrity of this journal, and for the acknowledgment that formal help is again out of reach for many, there is very very little I have omitted from any of my entries.

When I started this journal I had no idea that eventually my spouse would come out too, and I went back and corrected his pronouns accordingly. My relationship with him has been an exciting journey in itself, and the evolution of that aspect of my life is evident in this journal as well.

*2025 We are being literally killed and erased from history by the federal government. At this point I'm just continuing this journal as a record of my own extermination. 

Pre-Formal HRT Transition Writeup: (my 1st & longest entry, written & edited over time pre-2019)

Intro:

After quietly learning in the shadows from the many courageous people who have come forward to openly share their gender transition stories with the world over the years, I finally realize how long overdue my own tale has become. I’m not the outgoing type, but I feel I owe my own account in return for all the help I’ve received from everyone who did this before me, especially with how different my experience has been from some of the more mainstream narratives. I've never actually put much energy into finding proper pronouns or labels, but I would probably best fit somewhere under the non-binary category [UPDATE: NOPE!!!, I’m definitely a she/her, not they/them]. For simplicity you could call me an introverted, self-medicating, closet transgender lesbian, but there’s much more to it than that. I’ve never been to therapy, and I don’t currently have plans for a full gender transition, but I’ve always had gender dysphoria (though I never had the word for it until college). I come forward today in the hope that I might share something that someone out there can use to help them along their own life journey someday, and hopefully discover some new things for myself in the process (and maybe find some help myself). I'm also a parent (married), hobby farmer, and engineer, long lost into the abyss of myths and mysticism. Whoever you are, whether you consider yourself outside the gender norm or not, please feel free to read the entries I’m leaving here and take away what you will.

I was born "male" [AMAB anyway], and although I've chosen to keep my true self hidden from colleagues, psychologists and medical professionals, psychology classes in college made it more than clear to me some time ago that I suffer from what the doctors like to call “Gender Dysphoria” (I have an engineering degree but a concentration in psychology). To this day, I remember the awful constricting feeling I felt in psych class one day, as our DSM textbook made the crystal clear declaration that I had a “mental disorder”. I silently looked around the room that day, hoping someone might challenge the crazy idea that part of one's core, intimate identity could actually be a 'disorder', but no one had anything else to say. And only shortly after, the same scenario unfolded again as I mentally checked every single box for another “disorder” called “Avoidant Personality Disorder”. And I just sat there fretting about what kind of things could happen to me and my future career if I would dare mention to anyone that the book of mental disorders was talking about me. And so I tried to brush it off, making the seemingly logical decision to keep my silence, and just hold onto the unfair privileges granted to me as a straight, white, sane, male engineer and continue in cultural complacency in exchange for a small chance at financial stability (well, a chance to make my student loan payments anyway).

I knew long before college how I deeply despised my male body. It was just there that I came face to face with psychologists for the first time (though at a distance), and I gradually began to look at my problems from a different perspective. And I think it was very good I did, because I never would have risked therapy, for the fear (whether justified or not) of ending up with a diagnosis that could threaten my future aspirations. A few years after graduation, I did finally come to accept the possibility of my problems being a “disorder” or two, but I was content enough to be my own doctor, attempting to evaluate myself as objectively as possible, while also searching for ways to move on and get my mind off of my unbearable form. I'm certainly not promoting self therapy as the best option out there, in fact I would make a really terrible doctor. Even today I could still probably use some professional help, but it was still better than nothing, and my education provided me with a fair foundation to work from. I’ve spent much of my life in denial, trying my hardest to just ignore my discomfort at conformity, but those attempts didn’t last forever as I often thought it could. And things only got harder the longer I pretended to be ok. My grades both before and during college were extraordinary, despite high levels of stress, and upon graduation I quickly landed a stable engineering job at a well respected company. Shortly after that I became a husband to an amazing person I’ve known since elementary school, and then I became a father. But as time passed, it became increasingly taxing to keep lying to myself, keeping my own spirit locked up in mental chains. And as that part of me finally clawed its way out of my self-conjured prison, I knew I had to do something about it. And so after many hours of research I eventually made the difficult decision to self-medicate on herbal estrogens, well aware of the insane risks of what I was about to do.

Childhood:

I was born in '91 to a highly conservative father and a relatively passive mother in a rural part of the North East USA, where I still reside today. As far back as I can remember, I was always distressed about being a boy and being associated with other boys, whom I generally saw as gross, smelly, and stupid. I feel bad about saying that now, for it improved as I made male friends, although my own body will probably always gross me out. I had several babysitters who were older women with daughters, and it was always the worst feeling in the world when they would compare me to other boys in front of their daughters and I. They would often describe boys in general as dirty, smelly, mean, and aggressive among other things, and it only reinforced the disdain I had for myself. It still irks me to think about that incredibly irritating saying that girls were “made of sugar and spice and everything nice”, while boys were made of “snips and snails, and puppy dog tails”,which I heard far too often, even from my own family. I never chose to be a boy, and was barely one to begin with, but everything always seemed to rub it in my face. In preschool I was initially excited for the chance to make friends my age, but that didn't last very long. The girls, who always seemed to be doing things that looked more fun (and less simple minded) were always in their own tight little groups, and just loved to talk about how gross boys were. It was also just hard to connect with anyone for quite a while. As a result I spent most of my time in preschool and early elementary school alone (though not necessarily feeling lonely), and gradually developed a few friendships with some of the other less popular boys. My closest friendships developed even more slowly over the years, and by the time I graduated high school I did have some very strong and supportive friendships that will last forever.

One day as a young child, I was at home, left alone with the television when a documentary came on that left quite an impression I still think about many years later -though after all these years I wonder how accurate that memory really is. It was a documentary on trans people, which I never knew existed before that day. I quickly got the impression that it was a pretty new concept for society as well. There were only a couple of examples in the show, and I felt that only one of them was being portrayed favorably. Even as a child I could tell the subject was dangerous to talk about, especially to my father. At the same time, it was a huge relief to learn that the beautiful woman on the television was once a gross boy like me, proving it wasn’t necessarily permanent, which gave me hope. I wasn't super optimistic and I desperately hoped the feeling would go away eventually, but at least there was a way out if I still wanted to look for one when I got older. I was too young to understand the whole documentary, and I remember that most of it frightened me, but I'll always remember the part where the woman told viewers about how she had gone to sleep in the hospital one day as 'just a man in ladies underwear', but when she woke up she was a woman! [which is such a wrong way for her to have worded that but anyway...] Back then I didn't understand the science of it whatsoever, but that night and many thereafter I went to bed after a heartfelt prayer that when I woke up, the same would be true for me.

Many times I was 'mistaken' for a girl as a small child, but I quickly learned from my father that this was not a good thing. He would sometimes tell me with kind of a scowl that my hair made me look like a girl, and made sure I parted it in the right way to avoid this. This conflicted with my own feelings, and so I was never consistent with how I reacted when my gender was 'mistaken', becoming pretty confused about it overall. One time I spent the whole day hanging out with a boy at a campground only to learn at the end of the day that he thought I was a girl the whole time. I remember going home just really unsure how to feel about it, but I certainty knew not to say anything. Any time I found something fun to do that was a little girly there would always be a snide comment about it to discourage me from repeating the behavior. I was always incredibly jealous of all the pretty clothes girls could wear, but I wouldn't dare mention anything to my parents. And the same went for cool toys like easy bake ovens or intricate doll houses or necklace art. I knew my mother had silently wished for a girl, so someone could enjoy her old dolls, and playhouse, and other toys from her childhood, but I was too afraid to tell her how much I wanted them. I also had a younger brother whom I should have been much nicer to, and the last thing I wanted was for him to get me back by discovering my secret. Another thing I still remember is being completely mesmerized the first time I saw the flashback scene in the “Mummy Returns” -I convinced myself that the way I felt was because in a past life I was a beautiful Egyptian warrior woman, and this life was just really different. I also just felt ancient as far back as I can remember and that feeling only reinforced the idea. My favorite toys were stuffed animals, not particularly boyish or girly, and I spent most of my time alone outside, using my imagination or enjoying nature. I did sports (T-ball) but this was mostly for my father, especially as I got older and less interested (and teams were no longer co-ed). As I got a little older, I started sneaking into my mom's clothes and dressing myself up all girly when no one was around. I was a very sneaky child, and although It's hard to believe I never slipped up, there’s no evidence to the contrary. I still have no idea if she ever suspected anything (In fact, I have no clue what she thinks given my appearance even now...). At the same time I was never really stereo-typically girly (no interest in makeup, no issues with getting dirty, ect), and did manage to fit in with other boys just fine. I did exhibit some behaviors more often attributed to boys like sibling violence, extreme competitiveness, video games, and technical interests, but I also think all that is only noticed less in girls due to our messed up society. I also joined boy scouts (starting young, as a cubscout), which I enjoyed, and that experience shaped my behavior, friendships, and general development immensely. It also helped me cope with a great deal of anxiety related problems like speaking to groups and adults, and it also taught me basic leadership skills.

I never masturbated as most teens do -not just because I was a catholic kid, but because it just plain grossed me out. Instead, I would occasionally lay perfectly still and just imagine really hard I could do it as a girl instead, and that worked just fine for my teenage self.

I was very young when I first discovered the dislike my father held for people who were gay or lesbian. The first time I went to sell popcorn in cub scouts he went off on a rant about how evil our neighbors were for being lesbians as he forbid me to try and sell them popcorn. I remember asking him what this terrible word 'lesbian' meant, and I was horrified and so deeply and irreparably crushed when he told me it meant two women who loved each other. Even then, I saw their way of life as perfection, but I 'learned' about how God hated people who were gay or lesbian, and I just wanted to cry. And that's how I learned very early on to bury my feelings. And that was just one of countless heartbreaking anti LGBT rants. I remember praying so many times, begging God to make sure I turned out straight. The last thing I wanted was for both God and my family to hate me. And even if I was, it broke my heart to think I could so easily lose everything, including the love of those who made me, for something that I KNEW wasn't my choice. And I think that may have contributed to my adoption of Star Trek’s Data and Spock as early roll models, in a sad nerdy attempt to reject emotion altogether.

Years later, by mid high school, I was so lost in the brainwashing that I actually came to accept and believe that being LGBT was evil. And one day I said this to one of my dearest friends in the most regretful conversation I've ever had. I'm both eternally grateful and humbled by our continued close friendship. I also owe everything to each of my dearest friends who helped me pull myself back out of that horrifying and demonically grievous spiritual muck, granting me a real chance at life before it was too late.

Adulthood:

I continued wearing girl's clothes in secret through high school, and more so in college when it became much easier to get them (free used clothes boxes and online shopping). And most of the time I felt deeply ashamed I couldn't stop myself from doing so, so I prayed often for forgiveness (by that time I did think I had become essentially evil, and a disgrace to God). As I got older, I grew a goatee and a partial beard, which I both hated and loved at the same time. I always had difficulty with my young appearance, and I think the facial hair helped a great deal with my age perception problem. It's just that when I dressed up in private the hair totally ruined the experience every time. I hated myself with such passion. Fortunately the friends I stayed connected to were the best company I could ever have, especially my 'girlfriend' (spouse to be). They were incredibly patient and helped me see past some of my more wild conservative and clearly contradictory ideas. Today it's hard to accept or believe I actually ever fell for any of the horrifyingly flawed rhetoric of my father. I also find it insane how I was such an “intelligent” teen, yet I somehow managed to reconcile so many truly incompatible beliefs. It was absolutely ridiculous that at first I had to convince myself gay people were ok by first walking myself back from my accepted belief that lesbians were ok (because they HAD to be, or I was totally lost). Then early in my first year of Engineering school, one of my roommates came out as gay. He was so scared when he told me, but I felt nothing but compassion for him, and it helped to re-open my eyes. I was horrified with how quickly he lost many of his friends and with how poorly so many people suddenly treated him. As time went on, I discovered more and more people around me who were suffering from similar troubles. This included family members and close friends, and I feel so much shame for being a part of the problem through high school. But despite their bravery leading the way, I continued to keep my own true self in the shadows. I even kept my secret from my spouse to be, even when we moved in together, even though we had known each other our whole lives, even though I've always loved them more than the universe itself. But it was because of that love that I was so afraid to threaten the wonderful life we had together,

I recently came across a pair of youtube videos (part 1 and part 2) that really messed me up for a few weeks. Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLHcbcwjeKY&t=9s . This poor ex-family lived through my worst nightmare, and I can't help but see the similarities, and cry for them, and cry for what could have happened to me and my own incredible family. After they conceived a child, the woman's husband came out as a trans and started her transition to living as a woman. The two people had known each other for a very long time, and still loved each other, and tried to make it work, but they failed miserably. And thus the once perfect family split apart, moving into separate housing as the woman in the video started searching for new love with other people, with their poor child caught in the middle. My own situation was different, and the outcome was much happier than what happened to them, and maybe they weren’t really the ‘perfect’ family to begin with, but their story still hit close to home and broke my heart.

After living together with my significant other for about a year or so, they finally came across my bag of girl clothes. It definitely shocked and hurt them, and we both cried a lot that night (and for quite some time after). At one point they had told me they weren't a lesbian [spoiler: though years later it would be obvious that neither of us were ever really straight]. But nothing was stronger than my love for them, and I threw every single one of my girl clothes in the trash, and told them it was nothing and not to worry. As much as it hurt, I told myself I didn't need the clothes and I would be ok (and that getting rid of it all was the best way to fix everything). But what had actually bothered them most was the fact that I kept something like that from them and they began to fear I was keeping even more from them. After a while however, our relationship went back to normal for the most part. And around two years later, we were married. And nine months after that, we had a baby boy.

At first I felt bad for our child because of how much I hated being a boy. But our child turned out to be absolutely perfect the way he was -and to my relief, doesn't show any signs of discontent about his birth gender so far. If he does end up like me, my spouse and I will be there to support him of course, but the last thing I want is for him to have the same problems.

Self Medicating:

Anyway, sometime after my spouse and I made our child, despite our happy relationship, and growing family, I became increasingly and unbearably uncomfortable with how masculine my body had become, and started to seriously research HRT (I also finally started occasionally shaving my beard). I understood from the beginning that self-medicating was a really dangerous idea, but pharmaceuticals honestly didn't look any safer. I also really didn't want to upset my spouse by anything sudden or do anything an employer or insurer might ever find out about, so botanicals seemed like the best and most controllable option. After experimenting for a little while, I discovered that a plant based estrogen doesn't really do anything on its own, but can be highly effective when also taken with a plant based anti-androgen. I started with low doses, and tried a few different herbs, and after suffering through a few problems (not necessarily related), eventually perfected my daily herbal dosage to 1,100mg pueraria mirifica 1,300mg aguaje fruit powder, and 1,000mg reishi mushroom (both immune booster & anti-androgen). I also take 1,000mcg walmart biotin, some vitamin B supplements, and half a tablespoon of wild mugwort (for dream recollection). Now before I perfected my herbal plan, and before any reader makes the mistake of following in my footsteps, I should disclose that I ran into some severe health problems that may or may not be linked (another suspected cause is all the red bulls I used to drink). The problem I faced started out as a little blood in my stool once a month (also sometimes with no stool). This went on for a year or two, sometimes getting a little worse, and accompanied by some stomach pain. At first, I looked for more herbs to try and fix myself, and started taking dandelion root. The dandelion did seem to help a little, but the bleeding persisted, and eventually it scared me enough to finally see a gastroenterologist. After learning about the symptoms, he first suggested I try eating more fiber, and so I did, including more flax seed, but my bleeding accelerated into a daily occurrence with far more blood than before. My diet by this time was already far better than most people, especially Americans (my spouse and I decided to eat healthy vegetables and cut soda and corn syrup a long time ago) but I tried to work even more fibers into my diet that seemed to correlate least with the bleeding. As hard as it was, I stopped taking my herbs for a little bit too, but did not see any improvement, so I quickly resumed. It took the doctor about 2 years, a flex sigmoidoscopy and a colonoscopy to finally diagnose me with a rare disease called ulcerative proctitis, for which there is extremely limited information about, and no known cause or cure. Before we finally reached the diagnosis, I lived for well over a year completely convinced I was going to die, not entirely sure by what, but suspecting cancer, especially with how quickly the symptoms were worsening. The ordeal was incredibly emotional, but made me a better person. It also contributed somewhat to my immersion into religious ideology and my quest to discover the ancient truths hidden behind modern religion. After the doctor finally got a really good look at my intestines through the colonoscopy he found a medication that actually worked quite well and things started to turn around. He also found cancer polyps during the first procedure, and removed them on the spot before they grew into full-on cancer. Occasionally I would miss a dose or two of the new medicine and the bleeding would start again. I did a lot of research into what kind of things helped other people with the disease and subsequently cut out caffeine completely, including coffee (not easy at all). I also reduced my sugar, dairy, and meat, and flax seed. I also noticed a very strong correlation with bleeding and both stress and depressive moments so I put greater effort into keeping both of those under control as well. Then one day, after taking the new medicine for about a year (100% covered by insurance), I went to pick up my prescription one day and the pharmacist told me it now cost about $2,000 just for one month's worth of medicine. I went home that day in a panic, without any medicine, and renewed paranoia of impending death. After some more research, I found slightly lower prices, but still nothing I could handle (especially while still trying to make huge payments for my colonoscopy, among many other things -which is why American health care needs serious reform). And so that gets us to today, where I have been without the prescription for several months. Miraculously, there has been no bleeding at all, but I have been following my dietary plan extremely well. I've also been very good at managing my stress, and my level of depression has been minimal since being more open about myself to the people closest to me.

Now lets rewind back to when I first started self-medicating, and why no words can sufficiently describe how much these herbs freed my soul. Before I started, I had emotions, but they were so hopelessly simple compared to what I can feel now and also heavily suppressed. It was as if my life was black and white for over 20 years, then suddenly went to color. Emotion is where spiritual strength comes from, and is what gives life its meaning. But looking back to before I started the herbal estrogens I barely understood the meaning of emotion. My life has infinitely more meaning now that I can actually feel, and I am so much more alive than I ever was before, even if it also means suddenly and unexpectedly crying over random little things or movies I watch. Physical changes were extremely gradual, but I was never in a hurry anyway. I also knew many physical changes were probably permanent, so this seemed like a good way to achieve only just enough change before putting the herbs away for good. But I had no idea how much the herbs would benefit me emotionally, so I never actually stopped, and don’t think that I could. It would also be like dying to just go back to the way I was. I also noticed other surprising benefits like a restored sense of smell (I could hardly smell anything since I was child due to sinus issues). Before my spouse even knew about the herbs, they did give me a few of their clothes here and there, and it helped me to let my suppressed self slowly surface, and they were very good about it. And as my spouse gave me more and more of their clothes the physical changes in my body from the herbs became more and more noticeable, especially when I took my clothes off. But even though they could see I was changing, and it hurt so much to hide what I was really doing to myself, it was still really hard to straight up admit I was taking some form of estrogen. As I grew even more and more weary from keeping a secret from them. I stopped putting any real effort into hiding the jars of herbs, sometimes just leaving them on the counter. Eventually they picked up the mail one of the days my herbs arrived and ended up opening them, and that’s how they found out. They were deeply hurt about me keeping the secret, and I still feel absolutely terrible about being so cowardly for so long, but it was a tremendous relief when I no longer had anything left to hide. They were also very accepting and understanding which brings me more joy than I can say. They were much more hurt about the fact that I was keeping a secret than the fact that I was even taking the herbs, and has been extremely supportive since finding out. Today, a couple years later, half my clothes are women's and I'm comfortable just being myself around them and my friends. Now that I don’t have any secrets from them, we’ve been living together openly, happily, and closer since.

Why I'll never publicly “come out”.

[UPDATE: I seriously pity who I was when I wrote this part. Coming out was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. If I hadn’t done it, I would have killed myself instead]

Firstly, I don't need everyone around me to see me as anything other than a straight white man. In fact that false/limited perception is advantageous for achieving many of my personal goals in a “man’s world”. It’s also no one else’s business. The only people who really need to know me are myself and my closest friends. And once someone is “out” as transgender, it can't really be undone. I’m also not sure “trans” is really quite an accurate description for myself, though it’s usually implied with gender dysphoria. Since half the population doesn't even believe trans people deserve basic human rights, it would also be incredibly difficult to survive in a competitive career once exposed. On top of that, Trans people are frequently murdered, often without consequence thanks to legal loopholes against trans people. And the political atmosphere is unstable to say the least. Just three years ago it looked like things were looking up, but the moment republicans took control in the US government, all that progress was swept away in an instant. One day trans people have legal protections, and the next they're vilified and hated by all, and can lose everything for just being themselves. The fact that trans people (those with gender dysphoria anyway) have a suicide rate of almost 50% should speak for itself when it comes to how truly awful and stressful it is to be trans. All that being said, I do dress neutral in public, and will tilt the balance more feminine around friends or when there’s little chance of running into anyone who might recognize me. And even as I dress androgynous, I’m usually identified as female until I open my mouth. There is a line I don’t cross however, as I always keep the balance between masculine and feminine at the point where I could still plausibly deny ‘transness’. It also just feels more right to me to wear women’s pants and T-shirts than a girly dress [Note/Update: NOT ANYMORE!!! Ha Ha! & it feels GREAT to have donated all my old guy clothes], though I do occasionally enjoy more girly things from time to time. I simply don’t have the desire to express that side of me to everyone, and I feel most comfortable and more myself when there is a certain balance between the two – which is why I’m hesitant to actually call myself ‘transgender’ [Note/update: AND THAT WAS WRONG!!! People shouldn't have to worry about being 'trans enough' on top of everything else they're going through. I was absolutely trans, and i'm very very much a girl. It just took a while to be honest with myself and discover more about who i am] . I also don’t have any plans for surgeries or anything beyond my hormone balance [Note/Update: Yeah... my anatomy grossed me out since i was a toddler, don't kid yourself young me..]. When it comes to work or family (besides my [spouse] and child) however, ill revert to clearly masculine clothes, usually large enough to hide the fact that I now have boobs, but that’s really just to avoid conversation and fallout.

Gender Stereotypes are Bad

I’ll probably come back and revisit this topic sometime in the future because there’s so much more to say than what I have the energy to write about for now, but the fact of the mater is this: Our society is just plain wrong when it comes to gender. Whether a person is born male or female should not determine what types of toys kids can play with or what colors people can wear, or whether or not someone can cook or sew or build, or ask or be asked on a date, or determine what types of careers someone can and can’t have or determine who someone can fall in love with. There is some meaning to gender, but it absolutely should not carry anywhere near the weight it does in the world we live in, and contrary to common belief is not the same thing as biological sex. Fortunately many others have written more completely and eloquently than I on just how inaccurate common perceptions on gender can be, and I can attest to those inaccuracies through the challenges in my own life recorded here. In my experience, the one thing that really matters and makes all the suffering of this life worth it is love. As long as your actions don’t harm anyone else, you should be able to do what you love doing and as long as it’s consensual you should be able to be with who you love without being harassed and vilified. And to anyone who disagrees, What if the person you love more than anything in the world was suddenly a different sex (let’s say by magic, just to simplify)? Otherwise that person is still the same person you fell in love with, and still loves you just as much as before. If you no longer care for that person then either you are a monster, or what you had was never really love to begin with.

Closet ‘Trans’ at work:

I don’t want to spend too much time on this topic, but there are a few points I think are really worth making. The workplace is certainty an interesting place when it comes hiding my identity. Even professional life is full of ‘locker room’ talk and ‘dirty’ jokes about boobs and penises, and I know most people would never say most of them around me if they knew what I really was. This is especially so working in an office with an active Human Resources department and a zero tolerance policy. At our last harassment training session, HR warned us all that we never really know who might be listening or what people around us are really thinking, and I don’t think any of my co-workers can really appreciate how true that statement was. That certainty doesn’t mean I’m offended enough to go and turn any of them in, effectively ending their careers, but it’s remarkable how careless people can be in their choice of words when everyone in the room is wearing a dress shirt. In many cases it is just about personal trust, and dirty jokes aren’t really directed at anyone in particular, but more of a goofy observation of how close one word sounds to another, which in my opinion is harmless enough. In fact, the one person at work who does really irritate me enough to say so does so not with dirty jokes but by blunt observation. He has no clue how how irritating he really is, and I know he doesn’t mean anything by it, but that individual constantly points out that I have a big chest. He has no idea that under my workshirt is a pair of womanly boobs, and instead attributes it to working out and being physically fit (which is hilarious). I think his honesty may just be cultural, but it is painful to put up with him constantly bringing attention to my chest in front of other co-workers. Of course I would like him to shut up about it, but the last thing I want is to end up exposing the reason why he irritates me so much. Anyway, people will say the dumbest things when they don’t really know the person they’re talking to.

Thank you to Trans Youtubers

Its hard to explain exactly why trans youtubers help as much as they do, but I think it’s mostly just validation and knowing other people face some of the same problems. Some of them also give really good advise from time to time. The transition timelines some people like to post can also be really encouraging sometimes.

For a while the only transgender youtuber I knew about was Princess Joules, who I appreciate but can’t always relate to (she’s very girly). Over time I came across a few more like SamanthaLux and Blaire White who also helped to listen to, but are still very different from myself. Blaire in particular is especially hard to agree with sometimes, in fact she doesn’t even seem to think any middle ground can exist between male and female. The fact that she’s a conservative with a conservative audience however makes her an extremely important, if not the most important voice for transgender people in my opinion (as most trans opposition is conservative), so I am still very grateful for her as well. She is also good at debating and willing to argue very unpopular positions she believes in, which does everyone a good service. [Update: honestly looking back years later, the fact that I said this really bothers me, because I was definitely wrong about the effect that she would actually have.. Despite what I'm sure we're good intentions, what Blair has essentially done is given fuel to dangerously uneducated conspiracy theorists with confirmation biases against trans people. People have taken some of her mistakes and completely run with them causing drastic damage to the trans community as a whole. Blair may have turned some of the rampant conservative hate away from some of the most cis-passing trans individuals like herself, but in doing so has brought absolute hell down upon everyone else. Blair preaches gatekeeping and separation which is the exact opposite of what we need to do to secure equality for our community.]

Sometime after I found Blaire’s channel, my youtube recommendations suddenly started filling up with many new transgender channels that I’ve never seen before, but really wish existed sooner, including Stacy Fatemi’s channel. Stacy is probably the most relateable public trans figure for me currently, identifying as both non-binary and trans [Note/Update: Turns out i'm not really non-binary, but it's certainly a valid identity nonetheless, and non-binary roll models still helped me to better understand who I truly am]. Stacy is also a little younger and would have been much more helpful back when I was in school. Anyway, I’m very grateful for the service trans youtubers provide by making their videos and am really glad more and more resources are becoming available for future generations.

Did God Make a Mistake when I was born a 'boy'?

To fully answer this question, I first have to explain some of the basics of my current religious ideology. Although my personal beliefs have evolved significantly from the standard Catholocism I was raised with, becoming highly unorthodox and unusual, I do still consider myself a ‘religious’ person in general. I don’t see our creator as anything like a human person, but I do believe in a higher entity that is a part of all of us and lives and evolves through lives like our own. Whether or not that entity is infallible is something I still question, but I believe things are happening more or less as they need to, however painful. Based on countless evidence and personal feelings alike I also believe in reincarnation as well as the supernatural (but that doesn’t mean the supernatural is beyond explanation). I also believe in the power of our minds and emotions to shape reality around us, and that the past, present, and future are happening simultaneously. I also believe in Yahawashi (Jesus Christ) who’s principle teaching was to love others “as yourself”. I should also point out that any God I would want to be a part of or spend eternity with is not going to specifically cast out non-christians or the many variations of people who aren’t “straight”, especially when such things are truly beyond anyone’s control. I try to keep an open mind about the nature of our creation and have never seen any problem with the idea that we are likely created indirectly by something other than the creator of the multiverse. In fact, even the creator of this universe may very well be a creation from an even higher realm. Either way, I tend to accept the idea that our time here on Earth is not meant to be easy, in fact we may very well already be in ‘Hel’, which is actually an early European word for the literal ground beneath our feet. The level of suffering here varies greatly from person to person, but rather than by the level of one’s wickedness it seems to be almost the opposite, based more on how much suffering one can handle and where room for spiritual improvement lies. I’ll probably rewrite this many more times as my thoughts continue to evolve on this, but the point I want to make is that the suffering and tribulations we face is probably a huge part of our reason for being here. I would also not be myself if it weren’t for the challenges I’ve faced and the mistakes I’ve made. And on top of all that, every time I look at my child I’m filled with infinite gratitude for how my life unfolded, because if things went any other way, my dear child would not exist! So of course the circumstances of my birth were not a mistake!

My Advice for anyone with similar non-conformity issues (if anyone actually ever reads my stuff someday):

If you’re considering self medication please be really careful, and try to see a doctor if you can.

If you’re already self-medicating and it’s not working, don’t just increase the dosage. Instead make sure you have a safe anti-androgen, and make sure you’re taking enough of that.

If you’re thinking about keeping a secret from your spouse, don’t. It’s a really mean thing to do, and is not good for your own mental health either. [Update/notes: That being said, I think an extremely gradual approach really helped. Sudden change is really hard to process]

If you are about to start taking estrogens, botanical or pharmaceutical, be prepared for serious emotional effects, mostly very positive. It will also probably really mess you up and give you bizarre and confusing emotions for a little while until you get used to it -It’s not necessarily a permanent personality shift. [Update/notes:  Yeah, what i mean is... other guys stopped grossing me out so much... i now think im bi or pan, as in..if my spouse were suddenly a guy i'd be 100% ok with that, but i'm also 100% ok with them being female too! -update to the update: damn good thing too!!! I wasn't the only one in the closet!!!]

Know that society is really messed up, and has a lot of strange and unfair expectations. How to deal with it is different for everyone, but its far easier when the people close to you are on your side.

Gender dysphoria is much more serious than most people might think, and the survival rate is not fantastic. If you do suffer from gender dysphoria, it will probably never go away. It will also probably get much worse the longer you try to ignore it. Even if you don’t see a doctor, you should really do something before it ends you. [Note/Update: Yeah, i'd still agree with that, but formal HRT is seriously great, not that expensive, and if there's a planned parenthood around, not that hard to get either. Also... Therapy is great. Don't be afraid of it like I was. People should never be too afraid to talk to a therapist.]

8/17/2019 (2nd entry -starting HRT)

So ALOT has changed since my last update a few months ago, so it's definitely time to mention a few things. I'm not going to spend any time editing this so it's not going to be well written, but considering the fact that I'm probably the only one who will ever read this, I think that's ok.

First of all, I finally built up the courage to see a real hormone doctor (2 1/2 months ago). THANK GOD for Planned Parenthood and their informed consent model for HRT! A week or two before my appointment I also finally came out as trans for the first time to a family member (Besides my spouse, and this time I did it properly)!!! The person I told was my cousin who was extremely supportive and thankfully very willing to protect my privacy too (he's also the only other family member I know for sure is lgbt). On my way to the Dr. this is what I messaged him " .... about to go to my appointment, scared out of my mind though... My face is turning white... ". And it WAS because I was freaking terrified! But all the staff at planned Parenthood were incredibly nice and understanding and the whole experience was far better than I ever hoped for, and I actually really look forward to going back.

Anyway, they prescribed me estrodiol and spironolactone, and both are working very well. They also started me on a higher dose than usual because of how long I had been self medicating, and they could already see fairly impressive breast growth. The change was very much needed because the effectiveness of my herbs was slowly dropping more and more as time went on, and so I was taking more and more of them, which was not only getting more expensive but more dangerous too (though if a deadly estrogen was my only choice I would still take it). I was also getting more and more depressed again as a result of the reduced effect.

Fortunately, the transition from herbs to prescription went much smoother than I expected and my emotions have become FAR more stable as well. I still feel extremely sad/depressed half the time, especially when I feel like I look more masculine, but the baseline mood is much higher and the shifts between high and low are less dramatic and a little more manageable. I can also think more clearly, which is really refreshing. Shortly before the switch all I could think about half the time was killing myself (out of shame), and it was making it really difficult to get anything done. This still happens but less than before and goes away when I get any sort of compliment. I should also say that I've never actually ever made any attempts against my life, and I don't want that to happen either.

After my appointment and some great conversations with my cousin, I started coming out to more people, and it actually felt freaking amazing! First I told another cousin, and then my Mom, and then a few more friends, and then attended what was basically a family reunion while putting no real effort into still pretending to be a guy. I even went swimming for the first time in a long time with some family members, who definitely noticed a few changes. My dad still doesn't know (and neither do any family members on his side), but I know that when he does it's extremely unlikely we'll still have any sort of relationship thereafter, so I'm putting it off as long as possible (hopefully the rest of his life, honestly).

Another really big change is that I finally decided to find a therapist, which is something my spouse, several friends, and the hormone doctor have all said I should do. Half the time I can't think of a single reason for it, but the other half of the time I could come up with a list of reasons that goes on forever. The thing that matters most is that I be a good parent, and to do that I know I should take care of my mental health. I trust my dearest friends even more than myself, so I know I'm doing the right thing, finding  a therapist, even if I can't always understand why.

Yet another big change is that I finally found my voice!!!! My voice has tortured me my whole life, but I finally figured out how to talk like other woman (almost) and it's great! Unfortunately I can't get over the huge mental block I have to overcome to actually use it with anyone I already know, which is a huge pain. I also desperately need to practice it and use it for longer periods of time.

Another very important note is that my ulcerative proctitis/internal bleeding problems have been nonexistent. I haven't even had the occasional cramping since I switched out of self medicating, which leads me to strongly suspect that I was in fact poisoning myself all these years in trying to fight my gender disphoria on my own. Hopefully that whole ordeal is over now for good.

On top of these major changes, there's been a few other changes worth mentioning too. Besides my work clothes I'm down to only a couple male outfits. I've started to use 'Brennin' in a few more places. I've become more accepting of actually calling myself "transgender", though I know I'll never be a girly girl. I started using just a little make-up to help a little with my disphoria with my face (especially areas where facial hair grows). Rather than just shaving all the time to the point where my face is covered in blood from skin damage, I've been trying to actually make my facial hair stop growing so much. It's extremely frustrating, but I just got a bonus from work today and I'm putting it towards ways to help stop my hair growth. Thanks to the hormone upgrade my face is starting to look a little less ugly, and more like a combination of my mother and my female cousins. I still don't know that I'll ever wear dresses outside our home, but I have a few more of them and I actually look kinda cute in them most of the time. Pronouns are finally starting to irritate me. Even a few months ago, i was perfectly fine with everyone continuing to call me 'he', as long as my body was getting more comfortable to live in. My transition was really only for me... Not anyone else's business, but how other people see me actually matters more to me now for some reason. I'm not really sure why yet, but I also really don't want to make things weird or uncomfortable for anyone close to me, especially my dear [spouse]. Oh and I keep finding more trans youtubers, which is really nice especially when they're really sweet and positive (like Ash Hardell), which always makes my day easier. ....And that's it for now.

Again if anyone else ever reads this, I'm sorry for the lesser writing quality... I'm just kinda doing a stream of thought on my cell phone after midnight while out camping, and its bothering me thinking someone might actually read this blog I made months ago and not know about all the things I've figured out since -especially how much better it is to .... Not self medicate!

8/24/2019:

Last night my spouse and I went to the NYS Fair to see Lindsey Stirling's concert. It was an amazing date night, and I very much felt like their wife the whole time, which was really sweet! I did my makeup and wore my new capris and one of my favorite shirts (One that doesn't hide my boobs like some of my other shirts). I also wore my blue and pink trans pin from planned parenthood (where I get my hormones), which I'm usually too afraid to wear (especially in the aggressively conservative town where we live), but we saw that it was pride day so I decided to try it. Honestly the pin was the only thing that really gave me away as trans, and I actually looked really nice. I was addressed as "Miss", "She", "Mam" or "girl" throughout the night, and no one ever seemed to second guess it either, even with the pin. I had placed it on my side pocket, so it was very subtle, but still noticeable enough to anyone familiar with the pink and blue stripes. -I had hoped another trans woman might notice and say "Hi" or something, since I've still never actually met any others besides myself, but that never happened.

The night didn't have a very good start...

To get to the fair, we stopped at a park-&-ride at another town (one a little less conservative than our own). While we waited for the bus, an intoxicated guy stumbled over and awkwardly greeted the rest of us who were waiting. When the only response he got was my own half wave, he started swearing about how rude we were, and then started loudly proclaiming how much he hated black people, like he wanted a fight. When I realized he was one of 'those' people, I put my hand over my trans pin, hoping he hadn't already noticed, but thankfully a big guy in the group (whom I initially thought arrived with the racist jerk) escorted him down the road. About 15 minutes later I saw him stumbling back, without the heroic dude, which worried me a little, but we didn't hear any gun shots, and there was no way the drunk racist beat the other guy in a fight. He also wasn't carrying a gun or anything, and thankfully he disappeared before he got too close to our group.

The fair itself was a very different story. Since it was pride day, other lgbt people were everywhere who were not subtle about it at all. I would feel too self conscious to wear what many of them were wearing, but at the same time I'm also immensely grateful. Thanks to them, I had no fear at all about being singled out and was free to just enjoy the night … as myself. I felt more relief than I can put to words thanks to the atmosphere pride day and its participants created, and I'll never forget that feeling.

On the bus ride home after the concert, I lay my head on my spouse's shoulder and drifted off into a half-sleep, as I thought about how happy I was. At some point during the ride I heard a young lady mention a tired girl sleeping, so I listened hard to see if she meant me. And then she noticed my pin and mentioned it and explained to someone it meant I was trans, and the other person didn't seem to believe her at first, which I felt good about (though I could barely make out any of the conversation). When we got to our stop, I was a little disoriented, but noticed a few people looking at me smiling, which was kind of weird, but I didn't really have a terribly negative feeling about it, so it was ok. I hope I left a good impression, whatever they were thinking.

9/12/2019:

I'll be super brief since I have to be out the door in a couple minutes. Before anyone else ends up reading this, there's something that really bothers me that I want to clarify for anyone that reads....

For a while I thought I was non-binary. I was lying to myself. Being called they/them is way better than being called he, but its still not right. Over the past couple months I came out to most people in my life, with the exception of work and my father, and I stopped trying to present as more neutral because it doesn't feel right anymore. Seeing the endocrinologist and finding a therapist and revealing who I really am to all the people I've been hiding from has given me a ton more confidence. I'm still trying to discover myself, but I do know I am a trans woman. I hate every time I present as male, and want to kill myself whenever I look like a dude. Work and my father are all that's left, but I realize I can't keep pretending forever. Its been a very long time, but I'm still a work in progress.

Journal entry & 'official' coming out letter (FB) 11/9/2019:

So  here is the super bleak, spontaneous coming out letter I threw together this past weekend out of what was supposed to just be a private journal entry:

I guess now is as good a time as any to officially confess something I hid from everyone my whole life. If you didn’t know by now, i am transgender. i never wanted to be. In fact i fought it as hard as i could for over 20 years. Life is way easier and less humiliating as a straight white guy. But in the end, fighting who you are is an impossible war to win. Eventually i self medicated. And after suffering through the consequences of several years of unmonitored, self-treatment, i found help from a real hormone doctor. My spouse has been absolutely remarkable and supportive throughout it all, and my closest friends have been truly amazing. I was going to wait at least until 2020 before saying anything straight out, but after I wrote this morning’s journal entry, something possessed me to share. So here it is.

11/9/2019

Last night I had two nightmares. The first one ended with me locking myself in a corner room to cry after a fictional fight with my spouse (which never actually happens in real life). In the second nightmare, some of the people I went to high school with had become schoolteachers (which some really are in real life), and made a heartbreaking public video about how horrible people like me are for being trans. The stars of the video were their young students, whom they had poisoned against trans people, including my niece. Thankfully it was just a typical nightmare and probably not something that would ever really happen in real life.

When I woke up from the nightmares, I rolled over and opened up my cell phone. Sometimes I wake up to news about various transphobic incidents, where more than half the comments condemn trans people like me, just for existing. Today it was police cam footage of officers surrounding a young woman in an interrogation room, telling her condescendingly that they took her service dog away and couldn’t have the dog back any time soon because she had the dog out without a leash. They then accused her of suicidal comments (which I myself probably would have made at that point), and then grabbed her by the neck, tied her up, and electroshocked her for not stripping naked and changing into a suicide gown. Personally I was amazed at the amount of self-restraint the poor woman demonstrated. I probably would not have survived that situation.

The next thing I saw on my phone this morning was a video about an American man with South American origins (Peru) who just got acid thrown on his face in a parking lot for not being white. Horrifying, mentally scarring stories like these happen every single day, here in America. Sometimes people struggling with mental illness, sometimes people who just don’t have white skin, and sometimes (quite often, actually) people who are LGBT. And this is supposed to be the shining example of a life of freedom for the rest of the world (and compared to many places it is!!!)

The current administration (Trump) is enabling the worst of humanity to run rampant, and it escalates by the day. Yeah, I'm white, but I am terrified to leave the house. Some people like to say ‘passing’ as a trans person is not important. That we don’t all have to look pretty. That we should just be free to be ourselves. -But there are droves of sadistic monsters out there who will not see me as human otherwise. And I don’t want my face to be melted. I don’t want to be tortured and burned to death like Matthew Shepard. I don’t want to be targeted by a transphobic police officer who thinks they have unlimited authority, and the duty ordained by God to ‘put animals like me to death’ (yes, that really happened). If I don’t look masculine or feminine enough, I’m afraid someone will see me and try to harm or kill my son or my spouse. Or break into our house at night and kill us all in our sleep. I’m afraid someone will capture me or knife me in the parking lot whenever I go to the store at night. I’m afraid that if I ever mess up at work, even once, my career will be over and my family will loose everything we own because of how hard it is for a trans woman to get a decent job.

I hope some of my worries are just paranoia, but there is so much hate out there. -i don't need any pity comments or anything. Just please have mercy. There's a lot of us out there and even the little stuff you say or post affects the lives of others forever, especially close ones who are struggling with things you don't know about. <3

Monday 11/11/2019:

The past few days have been overwhelming. I need to cry, to get it all out, but I can’t convince any tears to come help with that. I tried finding an emotional movie, but I couldn’t get into it. I drank some schnapps, but that just made my thoughts really slow. And so here I am typing another entry, only 3 days after the last one I bothered to type.

Saturday Morning I felt the urge to write an entry on my thoughts as I rolled out of bed. The entry was a little bleak, but on a whim I decided to turn it into a coming out letter, and officially confessed being trans to the world (on facebook). Many people already knew, or had figured it out from the pictures I’ve been posting lately. But for most, especially for the people I never really see in person, I had never really made anything clear until now. I also had a nice conversation with a very old friend fresh in my mind from the day before (it had been well over 15 years since we had last talked). I had felt really good about my talk with her, and about telling her I’m trans, and decided it was time to clear things up for everyone else too. Even recently, I’ve had nightmares about some of these people finding out I’m trans, yet here I was, just handing over all my secrets to everyone.

The whole rest of the day was full of reading comments and messaging more people I don’t usually talk to, but who had seen my letter. Most of the comments were positive and encouraging. And in one comment I got misgendered by a close family member who just didn’t seem to get it. Some of my nieces and nephews who had just seen me for the first time out of guy mode on Halloween also saw the post and lended me their encouragement.

Then Sunday morning started off with pretending to be a guy again for an hour or so for church with my father. He really wants to spend a whole day fishing with me two weeks from now. Fishing really isn’t my thing, but what bothers me the most is the idea of pretending to be a dude again for an even longer portion of my weekend. I’ve waited almost 30 years now, but I should probably tell him next Sunday. I know it won’t go well, and It will probably be the hardest thing I ever do, but I think it’s finally time.

Later that day I had an encouraging talk with my best friend about a transphobic post an old classmate had posted two weeks ago, but had been bothering me since. And after our talk, I decided to ask the old classmate to let me share my point of view with her, and she obliged.  It was a stressful discussion for me, but it actually went far better than I ever hoped for, and she was very kind and receptive towards what I had to say.

And that brings us to today. I started out this morning by putting on one of my new work outfits that I got myself last week (all female clothing, with neutral patterns and colors). I arrived at work half an hour before my boss, and shortly after he came into our office and sat down, I got up, closed the door, and handed him my cell phone. The phone was full of pics of what I generally look like outside of work, and while he flipped through them I confessed that I was indeed trans. And it all went very well. My boss responded very professionally, but positively. I also noticed he didn’t show the slightest hint of surprise, so I wonder if he was expecting this morning’s talk.

And now, here I lie in bed.. Oh Hey! I got interrupted from writing this by another very old friend. Another wonderful conversation, but what I loved the most about it (besides simply talking to an old friend) was that we focused on our hobbies and not the whole being trans thing. Coming out has absorbed everything for me the past couple days and discussing books and interests was really refreshing. I suddenly feel great again -and just in time for bed. 

 

November 2019 Tweets:

11/17/2019:

Brennin Morningstar

@BrenninMorning1

So there was one person in my life left to come out to -My dad... in cub scouts he wouldnt let me sell popcorn to lesbian neighbors because lgbt people were evil and he was afraid of the 'gay adgenda'..blah blah... So I told him this morning. Hardest thing I've ever done...

4:14 PM · Nov 17, 2019·Twitter for Android

We didnt talk after, but there was no yelling or berating or anything, actually... Not even any expression of surprise (!!!!???) Waay better than I ever hoped... I feel really really.. confused (am i crazy for thinking this was going to be the end of our relationship?)

4:19 PM · Nov 17, 2019·Twitter for Android

And then when he got home he sent me an email about how he is concerned about MY drinking problem (it was NOT a graceful confession)

4:21 PM · Nov 17, 2019·Twitter for Android

Been hiding who i am from him for almost 30 years (yeah I knew when I was told not to sell that popcorn), and everyone else has known for a while now, and ... I may have been hiding from nothing? ...?

4:26 PM · Nov 17, 2019·Twitter for Android

Saw my dad again (first time after my horrible clumsy drunken coming out to him as trans), He says he never read my long email explaining things, and is acting like it never happened, and calls me 'son' as many times as he can...... ?

10:34 AM · Nov 24, 2019·Twitter for Android

My whole life he basically just makes me feel like I've lost my mind. Like I'm stuck in the f'ing twilight zone

10:41 AM · Nov 24, 2019·Twitter for Android

So my father reported my being trans to the local priest... Wtf... Don't know what he was trying to do exactly, but the priest is being both respectful and supportive at least (i finally came out as trans to my father a few weeks ago)

12:26 PM · Dec 9, 2019·Twitter for Android

Finally talked to HR earlier this week, now my old name is gone!

Work Id, email address, websites... AND someone AT WORK actually called me pretty today!!!

6:04 PM · Nov 22, 2019·Twitter for Android

I can't believe this is real!!! Estrogen really IS magic! I'm about to wear a purple dress to Thanksgiving with my in laws

11:25 AM · Nov 28, 2019·Twitter for Android

Now that I'm totally out, the other women at work have started to call me fat.

People close to me say I'm not, and it doesn't happen outside work... Maybe that's just normal for people to say at work?

1:54 PM · Dec 20, 2019·Twitter for Android

 

1/18/2020 (even more poorly written, but I don't feel well but I feel I need to write things down)

Overall things are far better for me than they ever have been, but I’m still not okay. Often I look in the mirror and feel a wave of euphoria as I see myself, a beautiful young lady staring back at me, and it’s a seriously wonderful feeling. But ten minutes later I’ll see my reflection again and see a gross hairy monster and just want to cry, or vomit, or stab myself in the face, or hide under a blanket and give up on life.

People have been commenting on my appearance a lot lately. Some say I’m very pretty, some say I need to do a better job watching my weight, and some say both. I bought myself a few months’ worth of weight loss pills -motivated both by a recent selfie I took and by some comments from my co-workers, but some people are now acting like I’m crazy. I’m glad that some people insist I look great, but I have noticed it’s gotten far more difficult to control my huge appetite since my last hormone dosage increase. Even if I’m not significantly overweight yet, the new weight loss pills already seem to help immensely, not only with my occasional bottomless pit moments (heightened greatly every 3 or 4 weeks three hours after 5am breakfast) but also with my new and severe pickle addiction. Before starting formal HRT, I had never even heard of the trans girl pickle obsession stereotype, but after it happened to myself (it seems to be caused by spiro pills) I’ve become much more aware of this bizarre issue. And its not just a pickle craving…. No its 3 jars of pickles a day, pickle juice and all. One day at work I forgot to pack pickles and ended up spending $10 on a single jar from the nearest store because I couldn’t make it through the whole day without them.

Not everyone uses she/her, and it really hurts. Every little slipup is brutal. And everytime someone does it, my first thought is ‘Oh no!!!! I must look like a man again! Please kill me!!!’. I’ve always felt like everything negative is due to a failure of mine in some form or another, but I’m trying to accept the possibility that the misgendering is purely out of habit. I want to believe that is always the case.

Why does everyone hate us?

Just in the news today, I read that Florida is trying to pass 4 new anti lgbt laws, including making ANY transgender related heathcare for anyone under 18 illegal and punishable with 15 years in prison. If that succeeds, a lot of kids are going to kill themselves. And many of the ones that don’t will have a much harder time ‘passing’ when they’re older and might kill themselves then. They’re also trying to make workplace discrimination against LGBTQ+ people easier (Which is also something the Supreme court may rule constitutional shortly). In Missouri they’re trying to push through legislation to censor LGBTQ+ content from libraries, sending dissenting librarians to prison. I also read in the news today that yet another trans women is going to prison where the legal system is treating her as a man and misgendering her throughout federal court proceedings and paperwork. Whether she’s guilty or not, and regardless of the crime, she’ll likely die in a men’s prison, as is always the case.

On top of the unending anti LGBTQ+ legislation, the US president is trying very hard to start another world war. And he just stated “anyone not willing to fight for our country should just leave” -this coming from someone who decided that the US military, the biggest spender in the WORLD, can’t afford to treat a few transgender soldiers and banned trans people from the military for being too expensive….

Today things just seem incredibly hopeless. Despite being this far along in my transition, my gender dysphoria is still crushing, and everything going on in the world is heartbreaking and terrifying. 

1/22/2020

I keep having flashes of my dead body in my head. About a week ago I hit another low point, and started to worry it was a sign. I hope it isn't. But in case it is, I really need to get to work on fixing anything that might lead to it, and also make some more progress on my research and poetry so my soul can better rest in peace.

My spouse was pretty upset about my new weight loss pills, but they do seem to work pretty great for the intended purpose. I'm taking less than half the recommended dosage, and only when I'm feeling overly hungry. I also know several jars of pickles a day cannot be healthy, so anything to help with that is worth it, and they really do help, for whatever reason. I also got myself a bottle of pedialite and a bunch of flavored vitamin waters to better keep myself hydrated this week, and that helped too. This week I bought myself one of the GIANT pickle jars instead of a plethora of little ones, which was significantly cheaper. And I'm happy to say that today is Wednesday and I've only drank/eaten half of them.

Most of my facial hair has been eliminated by my self treatment – I think its called an IPL gun or something like that (ordered from china for about $100 five months ago or so). There's always still some hair on my face in the morning or late at night that close friends have said isn't noticeable at all, but still makes me feel like a horrifying yeti. I'm only averaging about 4 or so hours of sleep per night because I get up really early and spend 1-2 hours scraping away at my face with a razor to try to get rid of all the little short hairs that are starting up. Quite often my face is a bloody mess by the end (and very red), but nothing a little makeup can't cover up. My eyeliner used to take me a long time to perfect every morning, but I finally got the hang of that routine and got my average time to only about 10 minutes this week.

A handful of people have been calling me things like “pretty”, “stunning”, “gorgeous”, ect. It's still incredibly difficult to believe them. I always just feel like people are just being nice or pitying me, so complements never seem too genuine -but they do still make me feel better (and more valued). Lately however, I've paid extra attention to how people act when they complement me, and they often do seem to show evidence of sincerity.

I confronted a few people about using the wrong pronouns, and thankfully 'out of habit' was the general response, followed by what really seemed to be sincere complements on my physical appearance. This is super encouraging, but still difficult to process. My self image is very critical. I just really wish I could see myself objectively from another point of view, just once.

The future of my career is starting to stress me out even more than usual. Although things are looking truly great for me personally within the company at present, I'm extremely worried about the long term future. [Just paranoia from the stress] I also haven't interviewed for a job since long before I started transitioning and am not even remotely confident in my chances of finding a new job if/when it comes to that -And I don't even know how to dress or act in an interview anymore!!! I've also been talked down to a lot more lately, and I'm worried people are starting to treat me more unfairly now as they see me more as a woman, which is frustrating. Being in a career that is overwhelmingly male dominated (Out of HUNDREDS of students in my graduating class in engineering school, I only had TWO female peers) makes this especially frightening. I don't know if I even stand a chance to prove myself a capable engineer as a woman, let alone a trans woman. The unemployment rate for trans people is astronomical, and even the federal government has been incredibly vocal about encouraging people/businesses to condemn trans people throughout the year. There's also already been quite a handful of murders and hate-crimes against trans people just in the past month. Thinking about loosing my job as a trans woman and having so much against me scares me out of my mind, and I don't know what to do. I don’t know how to survive if I loose my job.

2/7/2020

The 2-3 week low point has been over for a little while now, and as my motivation and energy finally return to me I think its time for another little entry. Its really interesting how much more open I've become about everything since I've come out to the world as a trans woman. After spending almost 30 years in hiding, I guess I'm just really eager to introduce myself to anyone willing to get to know me. In the past anyone I know would tell you how secretive I always was, but it was too much!!!! Thankfully that's over, and pretty much the only secrets I have left are either religious in nature, or just out of respect for other people.

I'm finally working on legally updating my name and gender markers, which is something I never thought I'd do. Now, I'm actually pretty excited about it – I've even picked a new middle name, Runa, retaining the first letter ('R') out of respect for the Grandfather I inherited it from.

Although I rarely admit or talk about it, I DESPERATELY want bottom surgery. My current anatomy is just plain wrong, and grosses me out to no end. I managed to push the whole idea out of my head for a while, until I had a dream a few months ago that I had gotten the surgery by accident (I drempt I was getting a different surgery, but among a ton of other trans women, so the mistake was reasonable). After I got over the shock and anxiety, I actually felt a great sense of peace, happiness, and gratitude. This dream coupled with the fact that for the most part, it's the only part of my body still out of alignment to my actual gender is probably why I can't get it out of my head now. I asked my hormone doctor about the possibility of surgery at my last appointment, but it seems I won't even qualify for consideration until this summer, once its been a full year since I started formal HRT. As I get closer to that point, I've really got to build up the strength to seriously talk about the possibility to my partner.

I've come to the realization that I hold myself to insanely high standards, fighting my hardest to avoid criticism (especially from my dad) while also having practically zero expectations for anyone else. This is probably why everyone seems to have always thought of me as so 'easygoing' despite high anxiety and stress. This is also probably due greatly to the fact that I was raised by an unreasonably demanding, yet wholly unsuccessful father. Even a minor examination of his own life would make it painfully obvious how pathetically short he himself would fall in the face of the same impossible expectations. But perhaps he's simply satisfying his otherwise failed cravings for a taste of success through pushing his offspring beyond their limits. Whatever the reasons, my resulting way of thinking makes things incredibly difficult when its a matter of perceived success/expectations, including my physical appearance, especially after unveiling the secret of my true identity as a woman.

It's still difficult to comprehend the possibility that other people might actually find me pretty, but based on careful examination of body language, wording, reasonable motivation, and other logical factors, I do believe most if not all the positive feedback lately is sincere. I also have absolute trust in the people closest to me (as well as my therapist), its just that the act of accepting such compliments requires me to reject my own senses. This disconnect makes me feel like I'm probably coming off as rudely skeptical when I do receive complements, and that really bothers me. I am still making progress on this though.

I'm grateful beyond words for the help I've gotten from my therapist so far. I don't know how she does what she does, but re-awakening my true self little by little is such a rewarding experience, and I absolutely could not ask for better help! If I'm granted the opportunity to fully live out this lifetime, there's so much more to look forward to now.

Throughout most of my life, I had always eagerly awaited my release from the prison I was trapped in, ready to welcome death with open arms at any given moment. But now, for the first time in my life, I'm actually afraid to die! This is a terrible feeling I've never felt before, yet I suppose it's something most people have always had to live with.

It's just that now that I WANT to live, and enjoy the ecstasy of freedom and limitless possibility, I can practically hear the drums calling me to my grave. I still keep seeing my lifeless corpse in my mind, as I leave all my close ones behind. I so sincerely hope these are just fears and not premonitions.

Countless terrible things I never want to happen, although I recognize the need for such things to happen seem to occur constantly. And that's what's currently amplifying my newfound fear of death -I can see the potential benefits my death might have on others if my remaining years were to be hatefully stolen. It would really put things into perspective for those around me who fail to grasp the severity of the hate we trans people face everyday, whether directly or remotely. Fortunately I live in one of the best places in the world for trans people. As of one year ago, anti-trans discrimination is illegal here, and it's a crime to terminate my employment solely for being transgender. Around here, I'm now 'guaranteed' the right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness, and as such can't be denied housing, healthcare, or basic services like I would elsewhere. It's also a huge relief mentally that the trans panic defense, which essentially allowed the consequence-free murder of trans people is no more (even if it was rarely used). But despite this being a 'safe haven', anti-trans motivated murder, harassment, and abuse are still prevalent in the daily news for this state, and far worse everywhere else. Lately, the news is loaded with articles on other states forcing teachers and healthcare providers to turn in any suspected trans children to their parents, so that they may be subjected to conversion therapy, practically guaranteeing the suicides of many of them. There's also been stories lately of states voting to undo their own recent granting of civil rights to LGBTQ+ folks (now that many of them have finally felt safe enough to be out), which will force unemployment and total destitution on thousands, among other things. The point is, these things are happening all around us, but most people do not even come close to recognizing the danger (both immediate and perceived) plaguing our lives. But as those among us fall victim to violence and injustice, more and more oblivious people do become aware. And that's what makes this both a source of hope and a source of fear regarding my own potential futures. I desperately do NOT want to fall victim to violence, in fact it's one of my biggest fears, but there would still be good in it, and I therefore see it as a likelihood. As corny as it sounds, the only reprieve in this is the fleeting faith in the possibility that I might be capable of even greater good if I fully lived out my natural life. But for that to be true, I'm afraid I have quite a bit of work ahead of me....

2/24/2020

Things are finally normalizing. I'm a woman, and everyone around me seems to accept that's just how things are. Even when I saw my father yesterday, he called me “son” only once AND HE CORRECTED HIMSELF [not calling me "daughter" or "she/her", but at least acknowledging "son" was incorrect], which is something I was convinced would never happen. My once absurdly complicated, confusing, and intensely stressful life has reached a nice, peaceful calm, which I've been craving for so long. I surmise there will always be a full to do list ahead of me, but I no longer feel overwhelmed by the levity of my day to day actions as I just try to be myself. With all the shards of my life resettling into a beautiful and orderly work of art, I've finally found the time to pick up where I left off on all the little projects that are really special to me.

There's so much I hope to discover in this lifetime, and so much I hope to create. As with most people, I have no idea when it'll be time for me to leave this world, but this body is still young, and my soul is settled in at last. The possibilities ahead are so infinite and exciting, and I feel truly powerful. Oh, I hope this feeling lasts. -Maybe I'll even learn to dance! Or Sing!

As far as the future of this life goes, I suppose I'll just have to have faith in fate to keep me around as long as I'm needed. With any luck, my own aspirations will coincide with hers, and she'll find me useful enough to hold onto for a while. Whatever happens, I want to do this world as much good as I can. And as long as my little family is okay, enjoying it should be no problem at all from now on!

There are quite a few significant challenges ahead of me that do pose quite a threat to the life I want to live, but things are going in the right direction at least. The futures of my spouse and child are more important to me than anything, but I can happily say that I am doing what I can. I still have huge ups and downs, but managed to stop procrastinating on all the little things that have been holding me back. We're also financially stable for the moment (thanks to tax returns), and we've just purchased a second vehicle, which will give my spouse the freedom and ability to do so much more than they could otherwise, both for themself, and our absolutely brilliant offspring (a serious understatement; this kid could read books at 2 years old).

Although the long-term future of my career is still somewhat uncertain [paranoia], that part of me has undergone the most absolutely remarkable, miraculous transformation. I don't think any of my coworkers have any idea how suicidal I used to be back when I was living a COMPLETELY different life between inside and outside work, switching gender expression the moment I left the building. I used to hide myself away to cry when the ironclad walls I built around my emotions began to fail, and had to work so incredibly hard just to focus on the most basic tasks. Work still isn't exactly comparable to life at home with family, but it is NOTHING like it was before. The separate, almost artificial personality I constructed for work (/school) has since merged with what used to be my home personality into something new and far more whole... me. As such, my co-workers now have the pleasure of working with a more human 'Brennin', complete with emotions, real opinions, passion, aspirations, and even real smiles and laughter. I also really enjoy being free to express myself in all sorts of cool and beautiful outfits that I couldn't wear while pretending to be a guy, and I KNOW people have to have noticed that I'm waaaaay better at dressing myself as a girl than I ever was at dressing myself as a man. And in addition to finally being happy, I think I'm actually quite a bit better at my job too.

 

3/29/2020

So the world ended.

Not something anyone saw coming – the new COVID-19 virus has had almost the entire world shut down for over a week or two. I wrote a hand written entry in my notebook last week, but it's a probably a really good thing I restrained myself from putting it online. I kind of....'lost my sh#t'.

My work from home orders were quickly rescinded as my place of work got 'essential business' status the following day, my Aunt was already admitted to the hospital for COVID symptoms, and THOUSANDS were already dying. Also, last Friday was going to be the day I turned in all my court papers for my legal name change. It took me a really long time to gather everything I needed, including replacements for all the identification paperwork I had lost. I also finally got my gender change recognition letter from the doctor, so once my name change was in, I was going to get all my new IDs with both my preferred name AND correct gender marker. But then all the government offices closed on Thursday. I was absolutely devastated – still am.

Thankfully, I still have a job (and therefore health insurance) since my boss took pity on the sad, highly emotional, and unusually outspoken crazy lady (me) who came to work Monday and let me work from home for most of the past week for my mental health to stabilize. I've also got a mild cough and really odd, occasional, severely painful stabbing pains in my lung area that I'm somewhat concerned about. I'm also very worried about my spouse, as they've had some very alarming medical problems themself lately. It looks like my boss is going to let me work from home next week as well (probably because working from home was actually seriously productive), but at the same time, I also feel extremely guilty for being one of the few people permitted to do so. This is especially so since I'm the youngest member of our team, and the disease VERY dis-proportionally kills people who are older.

I've also got my approval letter to seek bottom surgery, but with the full attention of all the world's medical professionals directed to the unprecedented COVID-19 global crisis, I'm more afraid than ever to call any surgeons offices. Bottom surgery is something I want, so desperately, but it still seems like a distant miracle, far too good to be true. And I don't know that I could handle getting my hopes up on this only to get them crushed. I also REALLY wanted my official documents to be updated prior so there's even less question when I face the surgeon that I truly am the woman I claim to be.

On a higher note, my focus and clarity of thinking has been far better than ever before in my lifetime. I've read a whole pile of books this past month, including this past week (despite the emotional challenges), and I don't think I'll be stopping anytime soon. I've read 3 or 4 books this past month on some basic supernatural topics I've always been interested in, but had a few little holes to intellectually fill in. I also just finished “transforming: The bible & the lives of Transgender Christians” by Austen Hartke, which is something I've really needed for a long time to quiet some of my internal tension between the religion I was raised in and being transgender (recommended to me by @stormsmaycome Megan on twitter). On top of that, I re-read the book of Hanok (a special translation of the non-canon biblical book of Enoch) before sending it off with a co-worker to read, and I'm a third of the way through “God IS A VERB, Kabbalah and the practice of mystical judaism” by rabbi David a. cooper. Once I've finished that, I have a whole new pile of books on demonology that just came in, which I'm excited to read, and then I'm going to try again to tackle the Kolbrin Bible (a seriously amazing collection of great ancient stories, but EXTREMELY long). After all that, hopefully I'll have a few more poems written too.

I still can't quite shake my paranoia about dying soon. I sure hope I'm granted many more years to come but if not, at least I've finally reached a state of knowing that I am who I'm meant to be right now. I don't know where this life is going to take me, but I can really say this is ME, and I'm truly happy to be who I am.

4/22/2020

Like many others, I naturally assume the worst case scenario. Even when... no especially when things are going relatively well, I always feel a sense of impending doom. Everything has a balance. Happiness is always balanced out by torment -is it not??? A good day always pairs with an equally terrible one. This is Hell, after all -or so I always thought. I don't know anymore.

I'm still just as nervous as ever, probably more so than I ever used to be. Having mostly transitioned, things are going incredibly well for me overall. But how can I trust happiness when it never lasts? With how unexpectedly well things have been for me personally, I've been bracing for a tremendous fall that still hasn't struck. Why hasn't the cycle repeated itself yet? Is it over? Is the fall going to be too much?

All across the Earth, countless people are dying from the covid-19 pandemic. My mother and sibling both work in the hospital – am I going to lose my mom? My spouse and I are both having our own health problems – will it take one of us away? If anything happens to either my spouse or my child, I know that will be the end of my life here. What would be the point of living without happiness? [What a twist in thinking that is -i had basically given up on happiness as a toddler, yet here I am now.]

4/26/2020

Commuting into work and trying to focus and do a good job in the midst of the covid-19 crisis is emotionally cruel. My new, temporary office in the work building is a literal nightmare [no joke, almost 2 years later and thinking about that cube still makes me cry], I'm still broken about the delay in my name change, i'm worried my loved ones are going to die, i'm seriously worried about my own death for the first time in this lifetime, I can't see my friends or my family, i'm worried about losing my chance to get bottom surgery, im worried about job stability, finances, and health coverage (and I don't even know if those fears are even justified), and I feel forced against my own core values.

I used to be a goddess of suppressing emotion, but I just can't seem to do it anymore on my own. And so i've reverted to relying on my ghost flower tinture to get through the day on multiple occasions now.

The ghost flower has such an interesting effect on me (and I wish I knew if works the same for others). It forces me into my defense personality and completely separates my consciousness from my emotions. It doesn't separate my morals, loyalties, likes, or dislikes, but the actual feeling is gone. It seems like cheating, and there's no way to experience anything. It's like I'm defeating the purpose of life itself (well, one of them anyway). It beats risking killing myself (which was my initial purpose for harvesting the herb in the first place), but when I take it, it still kind of feels like giving up, and I hate that. I'm also not even remotely as suicidal as I used to be, so I really shouldn't need it.

The effect of the ghostflower itself also has me thinking. In taking it, I'm basically chemically causing the separation of consciousness and emotion! Shouldn't they be inseparable?! And isn't emotion the more important of the two? If we are the consciousness, but the emotion is purely biological and doesn't come with us to the afterlife, what would even be the point of the afterlife -we wouldn't have a soul! That being said, you could also thus view the ability to experience things without a soul as proof of the existence of the soul, but the biological dependency here still makes me uncomfortable.

Although it looks like working from home is over for me, switching back and forth over the past few weeks has also given me quite a contrast. Working from my basement is so much more quiet, and I don't have to worry about anyone getting upset with me, or calling me 'he/him' or deadnaming me. And with all the hours saved between getting ready and commuting, I've had so much more time with my family and with myself. I've had the time to read more books, and to meditate, and to read through my more recent dream journal entries, and they really do provide some great insight into what's going on inside my subconscious. Despite the outward appearance of having lost my mind (when I'm not taking ghost flower), I'm getting to know myself better, and to grow, and I feel like a real person instead of just part of a machine.

That said, there is clearly quite a bit of psychological conflict going on inside me right now, and its hurting my work life. There has to be a better way to handle it than to sever my soul, but I haven't quite figured out what that is yet.

5/16/2020

Crying is a bit of a threat to my eyeliner, which is probably the main part of my makeup routine, but really is the best way to get through the plethora of insane, intense emotions i've been going through. It's so nice that I can just cry now, and not have it be weird. It's also a really good thing my eyeliner is somewhat waterproof, or else I would look absolutely awful going in to work some days. Just the other day I was thinking up an idea for some art, depicting a small part of what it was like being trans before coming out, and I cried so bad! I'm not really the kind of artist that needs to make the piece I drempt up though, so i'm hoping my spouse draws it for me.

It's really difficult to not dwell on my eagerness to get bottom surgery. I'm soooo much closer than i've ever been to making that dream a reality, and sometimes it's all I can think about. I finally worked up the courage to call the closest surgeon's office last week, and they mailed me some forms to fill out. The phone call was extremely stressful, and basically just felt like an interrogation [update: 1 of many red flags; super glad I did not go with that particular Dr.!], which was really upsetting to me. I'm going to be so broken if this doesn't work out (i'm scared there will be insurance/finance issues, i'm scared ill get turned down, i'm scared some other unforseen disaster will ruin this for me...). And so I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but this really is extremely important to me. My anatomy grosses me out so much (and always has) to the point where I go out of my way to avoid looking at it -even in the shower, on the potty, in bed, when I get dressed, Anywhere. I don't even take my underwear off in bed.

Its been a really long time since my spouse and I have had traditional sex, but that's actually totally okay! It's just interesting, because I didn't really expect to be where I am now in that department... My spouse has a vibrator and uses it on me (front; not back, mind you, that's just not my thing), and it's actually insanely amazing. Just a touch of thought about it, even days later does something weird to me, and I can still feel it -EVERYWHERE. I seriously had no idea what I was missing! Also, my spouse is quite good at it. It took me far too long to just embrace who I am in bed, and it's just soooooo freaking good now! I was really scared of making things difficult/disappointing for my spouse for the longest time, but I actually think we're BOTH just as excited about getting some really fun queer targeted toys in the future.

My dreams still haven't gotten back to the state I want them to be, but they are rather interesting, just in a totally different way. In fact, the entire progression of dreams across my transition is pretty interesting in my opinion. Back when I thought I was dying (about 3-4 years ago?), I had finally defeated about a whole year of seriously demonic, soul sucking nightmares and eventually worked into a period of spiritually oriented dreams. I finally defeated the life draining demons after very gradually evolving into a terrifyingly powerful sorceress of fire, basically devouring everything that so much looked at me funny in a great inferno of death. And that went on for about another whole year, until I finally realized I had gotten more than carried away, and started to feel really terrible about it, and repented. After that, I basically gave up the flames for the most part and spent many dreams in very different realities, meditating and learning wisdom in peace (once, a single nights dream on a tropical island in space, that lasted YEARS). But eventually the fears I had, mostly about how others would think of me transitioning, started to take over. Although transitioning is hands down the best thing i've ever done for myself, It was still EXTREMELY terrifying, and emotional. After I finally made the decision accept who I truly am, and to fully transition (instead of just self medicating and presenting neutral) I was so afraid of loosing the people closest to me, it consumed almost every thought, even in my subconscious. Since I was very young, I had nightmares about my parents discovering my secret of dressing femminine when noone was around, but that type of nightmare, gradually evolved over the years, and slowly made its way to the front, so many years later. I had countless nightmares about co-workers, and family learning my secret, and spreading the news to everyone, and basically becoming an outcast to laugh at with disgust. I also had more nightmares about killing myself, generally very bloody. But as I transitioned, and came out to people, those fears slowly but surely subsided and the nightmares along with them, but were gradually replaced by new new fears, and thus new nightmares.

Now that I've basically just been living life as an everyday woman for quite some time, fears about people finding out i'm a woman/trans have turned into fears about people finding out I used to be a guy (used to have the body of one, anyway). With some exceptions (including coronavirus nightmares, and some very nice dreams) lately my sleep has been plagued with violent rape nightmares, or nightmares about ordinary people finding out i'm not a cis-woman and reacting in extremely violent behavior (and sometimes both at the same time).

Another thing that's starting to bother me more than it used to is my career choice -certain parts of it anyway. I do love to draw/create new things (3d engineering models), but the machine maintenance/fixing aspect of it is bringing me down. I really should have done something more programming based (I relate to software people so much better too), but I also really want to make 3D worlds – to use my talent for something more artistic (possibly on the side?). Also, my spouse is an incredible artist suffering from the progression of Essential Tremor, a nervous disorder working to steal away their hands, and if noone else finds a way to help with that, I want to help them myself.

I'm off to do some remote hiking now, so I guess this is all i'll be writing in my journal this today.

peace

5/30/2020:

Looking back at my older entries is surreal. I may have always been a woman (just with the wrong body for a while), but I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I recently had a very nice chat with another trans woman, a truly inspiring person with many more years of experience than myself (an opportunity for which i'm so deeply honored and grateful for). And that discussion made me think about just how much has changed since I first started hormone treatment. Not terribly long ago, I knew I wasn't really meant to be a guy, but also still didn't see myself as very “girly”, and never expected to become very “girly” either.

And that's actually changed, much to my surprise. And I don't really know if that's because of the hormones, or more because I've just felt more free to enjoy things that are a little more stereotypically feminine. It turns out that I LOVE flowers, and unicorns, and pretty dresses, and nice smells, and cutsie things in general. And things have changed in bed too (see my last entry), and in so many other ways. My best guess that it's mostly due to the freedom to explore new interests, but the degree to which things have changed is so dramatic and unexpected, I can't be sure.

My relationship with my spouse has also shifted in a very interesting way – the fact that I've started to call them “spouse” and “they/them” for one. Things have definitely gotten more “queer”, and it's actually really great! There's always been a very nice balance between the two of us, but as i've shifted more to the feminine side of things, they've done the opposite. Even our division of house chores/responsibilities has shifted, and it's exciting to think about all the possibilities that could be in the future for us.

Given how different and amazing I feel now, its also sometimes difficult to remember what it was like living as nothing but a wraith for so much of my life, which is also really interesting. MOST of my life was either pure torment, or just plain absence from reality. MOST of my thoughts were about killing myself. How can one just start to forget something that was so traumatizing and inescapable, every second for almost 30 years!?? It's certainty not all down in words, but slivers of my life along this journey have been captured by writing things down in places like this journal , and I'm so glad I still have these pieces to reflect on.

Gender Dysphoria is still very much a problem for me, though I definitely don't see my old self in my reflection nearly as much as I used to – In fact, much of the time, especially lately, it's total euphoria over seeing a pretty lady instead. But my old self is still there very frequently, and I still find myself mulling over thoughts of suicide, as I convince myself I've made no progress at all. The most helpful way to fight this has actually been to look at old photos of myself -especially our old wedding photos, which were taken right before I started self-medicating. When I look at those, back when I was at peak masculine appearance, the progress totally blows me away every single time. Hormones are pure magic. I have changed, SO FREAKING MUCH, in every way, all very much for the better. It's actually really quite bizarre how quickly I can switch between feeling the absolute crushing despair of failure and feeling so wonderfully accomplished and joyful about bringing the beautiful woman of my subconscious into reality.

I wish I could say the fact that I really have improved so much in my appearance meant my dysphoria was eliminated, but in addition to still seeing the ghost of my old self in the mirror, my frustration has been more focused on my mismatched anatomy than ever before, and sometimes it's all I can think about. Gender Dysphoria is a monstrously cruel blight on the mind, and so difficult to fight, and I'm afraid that I may never defeat it completely. And if anything goes wrong with trying to get bottom surgery to correct what I basically see as a disgusting defect, causing me immeasurable suffering, I don't know what I'll do. It's terrifying to think about.

I still haven't gotten my paperwork done to get an initial consultation with the surgeon for bottom surgery – mostly because I'm afraid of being told no, for whatever reason. I know this kind of behavior on my part is somewhat counter productive, but my emotions are a very difficult thing to ignore, especially fear. I also tend to take a very long time to do certain things because I like to wait for the perfect moment to give me the best chances of having things go the way I want them to.

My voice continues to improve. It's certainly not perfect, but I'm not even sure when the last time was that I got misgendered by a stranger on the phone, which is pretty amazing. Even our google assistant identifies me as my spouse every time I make any voice requests. I've been having a little trouble voice-wise lately in clearing my throat, but all the feedback I've received about my voice lately has been really great. I still can't sing, which is something I dream of being able to do one day, but at this point, that might actually be a possibility some day!

Although Mother's day wasn't really focused on me at all, it was the day our little family (me, spouse, & child) made the group decision to change my title from “Da” to “Ma”, which has made me very happy. It had gotten rather difficult to hear my offsping call me “Da”, and when I talked to him about changing it a while ago, he was very resistant, and I was starting to give up on it. This time my five year old was much more understanding, and sweet. It was a difficult change for him for a little while -about a week, but he's actually already done FAR better than anyone else on adapting to a new way to address me. I am so incredibly fortunate to have him as part of my life. He really is an absolutely incredible soul.

Another thing I want to mention is that I've been invited to my friend's bachelorette party, which is very exciting and emotional for me. I'm so happy more of my friends seem to finally see me for who I am, and I'm also so happy to be included in more fun things.

Lastly, last week was our anniversary! We had been planning on retaking some wedding photos for the occasion for a long time now, and I even purchased my own wedding dress. It actually went wonderfully well, though we are still waiting to receive the photos from our friend/photographer.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to be adding journal entries to this blog, since this very exciting and turbulent past year and a half of transition has reached such a state of peace, but we'll see. Transitioning is not really the focus of my life anymore like it has been – instead i'm finally actually living life, which is great! The next big milestone transitionwise is bottom surgery, and beyond that, probably (and hopefully) just more life (exciting things that are not all about transition).

6/13/2020

Just when I was finally feeling good about where my life is going, the “president”/Fuhrer made the decree that myself and all my trans siblings across the country are no longer people. As of now, it is again perfectly legal to deny any of us healthcare or insurance for any condition, specifically because we're transgender.

And meanwhile, the Supreme Court is working on taking away the rest of our civil rights, as they debate our personhood in terms of employment and housing discrimination. If the republicans get their way, not only will we be denied medical treatment, but the already slim chances of decent employment will be destroyed, and even homeless shelters will be encouraged to turn us away.

I've been reading recent stories about trans people who have been wrongly arrested under obviously false accusations due to their participation in the current protests against the grotesque treatment of black people by police. And these poor innocent people are being placed into the wrong gender prisons on purpose,even if they completely pass as cisgender. And so not only are they separated from their desperately needed medication, but are humiliated and subjected to some of the worst kinds of sexual abuse, as penises of true criminals are shoved in the terrified faces of captured trans women.

As a child/teen I suppressed my anger to such a degree, that being furious like I am now, is strange, and unfamiliar, and difficult to manage. I feel so terribly helpless, but I NEED to do something! Enough is enough.

I'm trying to find some advise on what to do through my dreams, but I still can't seem to get back to anything that might help. I can't get back to the island, to my friends, to my harshly critical spirit guide figure, or even to the library. I also want my flames back. I know I got carried away last time, but converting emotion into fire was intensely satisfying. It also made me feel powerful beyond measure, which would be really nice about now.

With the news as it is lately, it's especially difficult to convince myself into doing any of the many important things I need to do lately. Even so, I did finally manage to submit my name change petition, now that the county offices are finally open again. My fear of randomly getting thrown into a men's prison some day also provided some serious motivation. I already have my doctor's letter to get my gender marker changed, so once I have my name change order from the judge, i'll be able to bring both to the DMV for updated identification papers. I'm also not looking forward to the humiliation and terror of being forced to publish in the newspaper in our insanely conservative town (where the neighbors have trump flags all over and shoot machine guns all day) my name change. Brennin is a gender neutral name, but Runa (my new middle name) is not, and I think it's horrible that we all (all trans people who change their name) have to publish our new names along with our dead names for everyone to see.

I wish all the paperwork and forms and medical approvals and legal stuff wasn't so insane and unfairly complicated. It's taken me about half a year to get to this point, after finally admitting to myself I needed to get to work on getting my name and gender marker changed, and get approved for surgery.

And for the surgery, it looks like the closest surgeon requires even more medical approvals than I already have, just to prove myself capable of making decisions about my body. And i'm just so scared that our presidential tyrant's relentless actions against us trans people will make all this work amount to nothing in the end. I'm terrified that some executive order will be made to make getting surgery impossible (if it isn't already from last night's decree). I'm also terrified he'll come up with some order preventing me from fixing my gender markers, or even undo them once I succeed.

And even if it does go in my favor, and I get all of my documents updated, i'll then be officially in a same sex marriage, which is also something they're trying to abolish.

I looked into the possibly of fleeing the country, seeking refuge in Canada, but that option has quite a few problems, in addition to leaving my home, family, and friends behind. Although it looks easy enough to get permission to live there, it may be impossible to get a decent job there -apparently many Canadian employers won't even consider college degrees from America. If we do face a severe enough threat of persecution though, it still may be our best option someday, which is so sad.

6/14/2020

Its about 1AM, but although I just finished typing up the entry I wrote a few hours ago there's something else I want to say.

Sometimes I still feel like my transitioning has ruined my spouse's life, especially sex wise -especially right now where I basically don't even have working genitals.

And that concern hit me especially hard today. And with everything else going on, I found myself alone in the dark living room, curled up in a tiny ball on the couch, going over in my head what kinds of things we had lying around that I could poison myself with. And I felt my soul briefly sucked into the once very familiar spiritual black hole that comes with suicidal contemplation. And then I remembered I still have a whole jar of very strong ghost flower tincture. -Maybe I could drink that (instead of the usual dose of 5 drops). And then I remembered why I made the tincture in the first place -to take away the pain so I could make a more logical decision in such a moment. Then I began to think: What would i say to my spouse, child, and best friend if I had lethally poisoned myself and only had minutes left to live? I would feel so much shame and regret..... And then I thought about the faces of each of them when they saw my lifeless corpse, and I couldn't handle the thought train anymore. I started bawling, but then I felt better.

Crying is an important part of life now. I never cried nearly this much back when I was living as a guy, but now, sometimes it's just all I can do. And it's hard to believe how much it actually helps. I'm honestly not totally sure about men, but I think crying might be just as important as food and water to women.

And after I got back to bed, a cousin, knowing that I would likely be in pain after the latest presidential decree messaged me, asking if I was okay. And I cried all over again at that, too.

6/20/2020

So another huge moment in history happened this week, and a good moment this time, thankfully!!!

Much to my (and many other's) surprise, and against the ill-advise of the tyrant in chief, the supreme court ruled Monday morning that the US Constitution protects against the dehumanizing discrimination of transgender people! The focus of the decision was on workplace/employment discrimination, but with the written justification for the ruling drawing directly from the US constitution, the decision may permanently shift the tide in favor of our fight for equality!

The key vote in the decision was Gorsuch, appointed by the tyrant in chief himself, which is why I was as shocked as I was overjoyed to hear the news. After work I bought ice cream cake and strawberry daiquiris and blue and pink sprinkles and had a nice little celebration with my spouse.

Trump's other supreme court appointee (a particularly horrible person, from what I can tell) did stick with the demands from the white house, essentially writing in his dissenting statement that affirming civil rights to trans people grants rights to rapists. Comparing/equating transgender people to rapists, let alone using them in the same sentence is sickening and deeply hurtful, to say the least, but it's very much something I see all the time. It's also one of the terribly damaging ideas being promoted lately by none other than J.K. Rowling, the most famous and loved author of all time (and utilizing her platform of over 14 MILLION twitter subscribers to do so). As someone who grew up loving her books, reading her recent anti-trans tweets and latest essay makes me feel betrayed and heartbroken, but even worse, those same statements have been quoted by republican lawmakers to block additional legislation protecting our basic rights as human beings. And in the UK, the home country of J.K. Rowling, trans people are now facing an immediate threat of unprecedented reversals of transgender rights, and her involvement may very well indirectly condemn many innocent people to death or absolute misery.

J.K. Rowling and so many others vehemently proclaim that treating us as women puts cisgender women at risk and that trans women aren't really women. But not only are these statements extremely hurtful, both emotionally AND physically (wrongfully enraging even more hateful murderers and abusers against us), but they are also just plain WRONG. When transgender people are forced into being treated as members of their birth gender, you end up legally forcing cis-passing trans men into women's only restrooms, and cis-passing trans women into men's only restrooms, creating a whole mess of confusion and fear and unwarranted hateful attacks, not just against trans men and women, but against cis-gender people who don't look masculine or feminine enough to anti-trans extremists! The same confusion would also make it FAR easier for rapists to gain access to opposite gendered restrooms. The whole idea also ignores the fact that between lack of required anatomy (pre-op trans men & post-op trans women) and hormones, these crimes are pretty much impossible for most trans people anyway!

And the idea that trans women aren't really women is just as horribly flawed, and I hate that trans-hating cis people continue to CONSTANTLY force us into defending ourselves on this! It's exhausting as much as it's infuriating. Being an actual trans women, I KNOW first hand that i'm not a man. I still have a very unfortunate defect (to me anyway) that I'll hopefully be able to correct soon, but being raised as a boy and living as a man was so WRONG, I basically have PSTD from it. The unfortunate defect I before-mentioned is one of the more obvious arguments against our validity as women, but science has already proven that there's much more to male and female than the visible genitalia someone has when they first enter this hellscape of a world. Initially all of us are female, but before birth, certain factors (usually genetic: XX v.s XY) determine whether or not an individual will develop male anatomy. And XX/XY is not 100% accurate; you can have people with either type develop either genitalia. Different bodies also respond to hormones differently. The most interesting thing however is the brain, generally accepted to be the source of our actual being, our personality, our emotions. Brain scans of cis-women generally have very distinct differences from cis-men, but actually match the patterns of transgender women! There's truly countless other arguments to be made here, and different points obviously speak to different people, but the fact that really matters is this: Despite not being a biologist or geneticist, it's already obvious to me that I'm not the man this society tried to force me to be. And that's why I went through the excruciating humiliation of transitioning, putting ALL other facets of my life -my career, my relationships, my finances, my future, my life all at tremendous risk. And even if you just plain can't accept or wrap your head around the fact that I was never really a man, it would be truly ridiculous to say that I'm still one now. Hormones have chemically re-shaped my body from the inside-out, making my skin soft, changing my scent, giving me breasts, hips, reshaping my face, taking away my un-earned muscles, among COUNTLESS other things (some of which are mentioned throughout this journal). It's just that through the actual experience of being a trans person, and growing up with gender dysphoria, trying and failing to fit in even without hormones, I know that even without hormones and surgery, a trans woman is still a woman.

Quite often I wish life was more calm and ordinary. So much of life is just so simple for straight, white men, but exceedingly complex and challenging for women, let alone gay women, or gay trans women (& I can't even begin to imagine what life must be like for black gay trans women!)! But not only am I just living life as a gay trans woman... the historical events I've already seen in this little 29 yr lifespan (in counting, of course!) are insane! I went from no internet to dial-up, to the invention of the cellphone (in what seems like the last few years of a very calm and stable point in history), then lived through 9/11, the great recession, legalization of gay marriage, devastating wars in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, & Syria, countless major shootings, Trump's rise to power, the Women's march (proud to say I participated at Seneca Falls, the same city that was the birthplace of civil rights for women in America), the destruction of the Great Barrier Reef, a year of insane natural disasters of all climates, and currently the COVID19 epidemic and mass protests against discrimination and police brutality (obviously very much necessary). I am honored to be on this Earth in such crucial and unpredictable times, but as just one person in a world that seems to hate me, it can definitely be a bit overwhelming at times. Only a week ago I was wondering if the time was coming where I might have to flee my home for being trans, but today I'm still cheering for Monday's historical supreme court ruling affirming my person hood. I quite often forget, but least I'm not anywhere near alone on this insane ride. I just hope I can do my part in all this, whatever that is.

8/9/2020

I was never a very social person. I’ve been far more sociable since coming out, but self-isolating for the covid-19 pandemic has gotten me used to very limited contact, bringing the amount of social activity I can handle back down again. And I far exceeded my social limits last week - A very close friend of mine just got married, and I happily attended both her bachelorette party and her wedding, followed by a swimming picnic with my family. And although all were very joyous occasions, i’m terrified that somewhere along the way I could have contracted the illness and spread it. So far it’s been one week with no symptoms however, so I’m starting to feel less nervous. Either way, it’s back to isolation for now.

I honestly don’t really feel like writing lately, but it’s been such a long time since my last entry in this journal, and some huge transition milestones have passed. About a month ago I finally got my signed court order in the mail for my legal name change and last week (between the bachelorette party and wedding) I finally got all my paperwork in to the DMV for both my name change and gender marker change on my official photo id (driver’s license). I left the DMV office that day with a temporarily license in hand with both corrections, and i’ve been VERY anxiously waiting for my new permanent license to arrive in the mail. The entire ordeal has been extremely drawn out and time consuming, and I’m still angry about the requirement of posting my name change in the county newspaper so everyone in this entire ultra conservative bigoted county can see it. All in all, it’s taken me about 6 months to first get legal copies of all my original identity documentation, then get a notarized statement and court papers to the county clerk, then drive back to the county clerk to file the signed court papers (because they don’t file them themselves??), then drive way out to the middle of nowhere to the newspaper office, then back to the county clerk with an affidavit of publication once the article was finally published (under a strict time-limit, in the middle of a global pandemic shut-down), and then to the DMV and passport offices with my now clerk-stamped name change papers (and office specific forms), AND my notarized doctor’s statement of completed gender transition. And now I’m back to waiting again for my updated photo id so I can finally update my birth certificate and social security records. I’m very fortunate to have 2 weekdays off of work each month (thanks to working extra hours on workdays). Otherwise I would have had to use up my time off, which I’m saving for medical reasons (hoping to schedule bottom surgery early next year). This was plenty difficult enough doing everything as an engineer, but a hugely disproportionate number of trans people are unemployed, homeless, or in poverty, and I can’t imagine how difficult this process must me for them! There were also PLENTY of fees along the way. And the really scary part is that the republicans in office are encouraging the POTUS to take further supreme executive action to hurt trans people, and i’m constantly dreading that any day all of this effort will be blocked or shattered by more abuse of power by our now obvious fascist dictator, who throughout his presidency has viciously attacked our personhood as trans people, blocking us from the military, allowing (and encouraging) healthcare discrimination against us (by both doctors and insurance providers), attempting to force the supreme court to rule that constitutional civil rights don’t apply to us and that employers should be allowed (and encouraged) to terminate any employees who are trans (despite how difficult it already is for trans people to get a job in the first place). It all makes me so angry, which makes it difficult to just enjoy the accomplishments I have made so far.

Another huge step forward for me was that I finally got my application for bottom surgery out to the surgeon’s office. I know this type of procedure is known to be very painful and full of huge risks, but my biggest concern is definitely figuring out how to pay for it. I think my final bill will be somewhat reasonable after both insurance and sorting out a payment plan, but with trans rights being cannon fodder for politicians, who knows what could happen to my insurance, especially if I don’t hurry. Once the procedure is finally done and out of the way, I’ll be able to rest much more easily at night, but until then, the threat of running out of time is just one of many fears tormenting me every second of the day.

As soon as I got my clerk-stamped name change order, my first stop (still the same day) was the bank, where I was quickly issued a new card BY ANOTHER TRANS WOMAN!!! It was amazing to finally meet another trans woman in person, but it also hurt to see her at one of the absolute toughest stages of transitioning… she wasn’t out yet. She quietly admitted to being 3 months on hormones while entering my paperwork, but planned on moving to a new branch within a few weeks to make coming out at work easier. At first I was in shock and not quite sure I had heard right, but I had and was so honored and happy to meet her and to talk. And once I received my new checking/debit card, I was ecstatic to no longer have to use my obviously male name for every single purchase which felt very liberating, but also led to way too many purchases throughout that first week.

My friend’s bachelorette party was also a very huge moment for me. Just being invited to come to a ladies only event like that was deeply emotional for me because it shows my friends are finally seeing me for who I am, rather than who I used to look like. And the party itself could not have possibly been set at a more beautiful and special place… It was where I grew up, and where I was married, and where most of my dreams and nightmares take place -on what was once my family’s land. My deceased grandmother’s house was just across the road, a sight I still have to avoid the best I can to prevent an emotional breakdown. After my grandmother’s death our whole family was shattered and all went their separate ways, but I talked my best friend’s mom into purchasing this very special piece, with a beautiful pond for swimming and wonderful places to camp and celebrate. And being the pond, I comfortably went in a swimsuit inside an informal zip-up dress. And although most of the other ladies were people I didn’t know, everyone treated me as they would any other girl, and it was really nice. Since my being trans was never mentioned, I’m actually not sure if all the other ladies knew or not, but it was also really nice for my being trans to just not be important for a little while. I can’t put to words how deeply grateful I am to have been included, and that whole day was incredibly affirming and memorable.

My friend’s wedding was the first time I went anywhere requiring more formal attire than what I typically wear at work since I transitioned. And since I don’t own anything formal enough to wear to such an event, I borrowed a nice dress from my Mom (which was also a very happy and emotional moment). The wedding itself was beautiful and yet another incredible first experience for me since transitioning. Something that simultaneously irked and pleased me though was how men treated me in this formal setting… A quick example: I sat between my spouse (generally openly queer and more non-binary now, but dressed very feminine for this setting) and a dear friend of mine (male), and across from me sat a typical cis straight couple I didn’t know. The gentleman I didn’t know briefly formally introduced himself, and then basically seemed to talk to my male friend like he was much more important, and asked him about his employment status and other such questions. I was almost irritated enough to jump in and say I out ranked them all, but I was also enjoying the fact that I was just being seen as a pretty lady, which is still not something I’m totally used to. Either way, it was surreal to experience a formal setting from the other side and seeing first hand how different it really is.

The day after the wedding was a family birthday/pool party where I spent most of the time in the pool in a two part swimsuit (multicolor bikini top and black short swimshorts bottom) with my five year old. Some of the other attendees were people I didn’t know, especially the children, but many of the other attendees were cousins. What made that day so special to me was actually how ‘normal’ everything felt. Me, looking like I do now (frankly, with larger boobs than most of them) and wearing a ladies swimsuit attracts zero extra attention now; it’s just how things are! The kids and adults I didn’t know referred to me as ‘my son’s mom’ and waived “bye ladies” to my cousins and I when they left, and… yeah!!! It was just...normal to be a woman, and that was really nice for me.

All in all, the past few months have been extremely emotional, both good and bad, and filled with wonderfully affirming and special moments as well as low points of frustration and anger about things like how the lives of trans people are basically toys for merciless politicians.  

 

9/12/2020

So I got a call back from the surgeon's office about them having processed my application for bottom surgery. But it turns out there are three separate payments: anesthesia, surgery, and a nearly $20,000.00 doctor's fee due BEFORE the surgery, and NOT run through insurance. And that is obviously a tremendously daunting problem that left me in tears and almost completely out of hope. I've come a very long way in my transition, but I honestly don't know if I can survive this next part. If I can't get this surgery, and soon... I don't know how to keep going. I KNEW I needed to keep my hopes for this in check. I kept telling myself this was impossible, for ALMOST 30 YEARS... but now that i'm THIS close, the suggestion that I might not be able to succeed, has already come too close to ending me for good. As soon as I got home from work I went straight to bed and hid under the blankets and sent out a cry for help to some of my closest friends/family, disguised as a “hi”. After no reply for a few minutes, I sent it to a few more people, and then posted “hi?” to my facebook wall and then deleted it less than a minute later. And then one friend said “hi” back, and then another, and suddenly it all broke loose and I bawled quite heavily into my pillow. Once I could finally manage it, i responded to my friends, whom I'm extremely grateful for. One was willing to rush right over, but the heavy sobbing and their initial encouragement was enough, and I told them not to, and that I could keep going. I still got myself very drunk and passed out on my sopping wet pillow about an hour or so later after a few more responded and helped me collect myself enough to make a short term plan and list some of my options going forward. I'm keeping a dose of my specially prepared ghost flower tinture near me at all times again, in case I can't keep fighting and get too close to giving up again. And once the HR manager at work gets me the contact info I need, I can email them to figure out how much help my insurance will actually be. It's also almost winter, and I'll also have the option to switch to a different insurance plan soon, which might possibly make things more manageable. And although I definitely got my heart set on this particular surgeon, I know that there ARE others, and if my insurance doesn't help me through her, it might not necessarily mean it won't help me through someone else. And so I'm managing this so far. It could still easily fall apart and bring me back to a really bad place, but at least I have a plan for now.

Another one of the things that came up during the phone call was the not quite mandatory, but more than urgent recommendation to do permanent genital hair removal. With how much my anatomy makes me sick to my stomach, this is yet another stressor in an already overwhelming situation, but I did shave everything today. I also already have an IPL hair removal gun that i've been using on my face for over a year. Although some hair STILL grows on my face, it has definitely helped, and if the area is anything like my thighs, I might be able to eliminate the hair myself within a few months. We'll see I guess. Unfortunately shaving the area required me to look at it, which was super gross. Plus it's a little harder to pass as female while naked without the hair hiding things, but fortunately not even my spouse ever really sees it.

I have another periodic hormone therapy appointment this upcoming week and I'm planning on asking them if they'll prescribe me progesterone. I've heard it increases breast growth, and although I'm actually quite happy with my boobs overall, more couldn't hurt! The real #1 reason I want to take it though is actually because I hear it helps enhance one's dreams, which is something I'm obsessed with. It's also something that I would have if I was born how I should've, and so not having it basically makes me feel wrongfully deprived of a power I'm meant to have. Kind of like the anatomy issue. I NEED this body to be in more alignment with my spirit, and although it's infinitely closer than it used to be, it's still not enough.

My applications to update both my birth certificate and my passport still haven't yielded anything yet, which is making me very sad and nervous. I also really hope my birth certificate paperwork wasn't lost in the mail like everything else seems to be lately (including my first attempt with my surgery application). And so I'm obviously furious about the “president's” involvement in crippling the US postal service over mail-in election ballots. It hurts that most people I know still support him, despite being an OBVIOUS FASCIST and huge enemy to trans people (ill add my most recent facebook attempt to get through to some of them to this entry ). It also hurts that the whole road I live on is littered with ENORMOUS pro-trump posters that just screams danger to me and my little family here.

Lastly, I want to end this entry with the positive note that I now have a growing number of out LGBTQ+ friends and family members, which is truly incredible. It's so deeply heartwarming to see others whom I love finally breaking free to be their own true, beautiful selves. They're also so brave to do so in this increasingly oppressive and anti-LGBTQ nation (& seemingly apocalyptic times). I also certaintly hope I've been a positive factor in everything for them, and love and light to them all! There's honestly enough of us now that we could actually have a decently attended queer-only party someday, which sounds pretty darn sweet.

Here's the before-mentioned fb post:

trump & most of the republican party have been CONSTANTLY threatening the future of trans people like me ever since trump took office. In addition to encouraging racism, sexism, violence, continuing to keep locked up children/asylum seekers, ect... this is a huge part of why i really hope you don't support them. As much as I don't like Biden or Kamala either, just letting them keep this up (not even close to a complete list!!!) with total compliance from so many of you... gives me endless nightmares

July 23, 2020: The Department of Housing and Urban Development formally announced the rollback of a previous rule that protected transgender people from discrimination by homeless shelters and other housing services receiving federal funds.

June 19, 2020: The Department of Health and Human Services announced that it finalized the extensive rollback of health care discrimination rules, to eliminate the protections for transgender people experiencing discrimination in health care settings and/or by insurance companies denying transition-related care, as well as to weaken nondiscriminatory access to health care for those with Limited English Proficiency.

November 1, 2019: The Department of Health and Human Services announced it would not enforce, and planned to repeal, regulations prohibiting discrimination based on gender identity, sexual orientation, and religion in all HHS grant programs. These include programs to address the HIV, opioid, and youth homelessness epidemics, as well as hundreds of billions of dollars in other health and human service programs.

September 19, 2019: The Department of Health and Human Services cancelled a plan to explicitly prohibit hospitals from discriminating against LGBTQ patients as a requirement of Medicare and Medicaid funds.

August 16, 2019: The Department of Justice filed a brief in the U.S. Supreme Court  arguing that federal law “does not prohibit discrimination against transgender persons based on their transgender status.”

August 14, 2019: The Department of Labor announced a proposed rule that would radically expand the ability of federal contractors to exempt themselves from equal employment opportunity requirements, allowing for-profit and non-profit employers to impose “religious criteria” on employees that could include barring LGBTQ employees.

July 8, 2019: The Department of State established a “Commission on Unalienable Rights” aimed at narrowing our country’s human rights advocacy to fit with the “natural law” and “natural rights” views of social conservatives, stating it would seek to “be vigilant that human rights discourse not be corrupted or hijacked or used for dubious or malignant purposes.” (Shortly thereafter, the State Department official tasked with coordinating the new commission was fired for “abusive” management including homophobic remarks.) 

July 3, 2019: The Department of Housing and Urban Development removed requirements that applicants for homelessness funding maintain anti-discrimination policies and demonstrate efforts to serve LGBT people and their families, who are more likely to be homeless.

May 24, 2019: The Department of Health and Human Services published a proposed rule that would remove all recognition that federal law prohibits transgender patients from discrimination in health care. Courts across the nation have ruled otherwise.

May 22, 2019: The Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) announced a plan to gut regulations prohibiting discrimination against transgender people in HUD-funded homeless shelters.

May 14, 2019: President Trump announced his opposition to the Equality Act (H.R. 5), the federal legislation that would confirm and strengthen civil rights protections for LGBTQ Americans and others.

May 2, 2019: The Department of Health and Human Services published a final rule encouraging hospital officials, staff, and insurance companies to deny care to patients, including transgender patients, based on religious or moral beliefs. This vague and broad rule was immediately challenged in court.

April 12, 2019: The Department of Defense put President Trump’s ban on transgender service members into effect, putting service members at risk of discharge if they come out or are found out to be transgender.

November 23, 2018: The U.S. Office of Personnel Management (OPM) erased critical guidance that helped federal agency managers understand how to support transgender federal workers and respect their rights, replacing clear and specific guidance reflecting applicable law and regulations with vaguely worded guidance hostile to transgender workers. While this guidance change did not change the rights of transgender federal workers under applicable law, regulations, Executive Orders, and case law, it is likely to cause confusion and promote discrimination within the nation's largest employer.

October 25, 2018: U.S. representatives at the United Nations worked to remove references to transgender people in UN human rights documents.

October 24, 2018: The Department of Justice submitted a brief to the Supreme Court aruging that it is legal to discriminate against transgender employees, contradicting court rulings that say protections under Title VII in the workplace don’t extend to transgender workers.

October 21, 2018: The New York Times reported that the Department of Health and Human Services proposed in a memo to change the legal definition of sex under Title IX, which would would leave transgender people vulnerable to discrimination.

August 10, 2018: The Department of Labor released a new directive for Office of Federal Contract Compliance Programs (OFCCP) staff encouraging them to grant broad religious exemptions to federal contractors with religious-based objections to complying with nondiscrimination laws. It also deleted material from an OFCCP FAQ on LGBT nondiscrimination protections that previously clarified the limited scope of allowable religious exemptions.

May 11, 2018: The Bureau of Prisons in the Department of Justice adopted an illegal policy of almost entirely housing transgender people in federal prison facilities that match their sex assigned at birth, rolling back existing protections.

April 11, 2018: The Department of Justice proposed to strip data collection on sexual orientation and gender identity of teens from the National Crime Victimization Survey.

March 20, 2018: The Department of Education reiterated that the Trump administration would refuse to allow transgender students to use bathrooms and locker rooms based on their gender identity, countering multiple court rulings reaffirming that transgender students are protected under Title IX.

March 5, 2018: The Department Housing and Urban Development Secretary announced a change to its official mission statement by removing its commitment of inclusive and discrimination-free communities from the statement.

February 18, 2018: The Department of Education announced it will summarily dismiss complaints from transgender students involving exclusion from school facilities and other claims based solely on gender identity discrimination.

January 26, 2018: The Department of Health and Human Services proposed a rule that encourages medical providers to use religious grounds to deny treatment to transgender people, people who need reproductive care, and others.

January 18, 2018: The Department of Health and Human Services' Office of Civil Rights opened a "Conscience and Religious Freedom Division" that will promote discrimination by health care providers who can cite religious or moral reasons for denying care.

December 14, 2017: Staff at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention were instructed not to use the words “transgender,” “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “diversity,” “fetus,” “evidence-based,” and “science-based” in official documents.

October 6, 2017: The Justice Department released a sweeping "license to discriminate" allowing federal agencies, government contractors, government grantees, and even private businesses to engage in illegal discrimination, as long as they can cite religious reasons for doing so.

October 5, 2017: The Justice Department released a memo instructing Department of Justice attorneys to take the legal position that federal law does not protect transgender workers from discrimination.

October 2, 2017: President Trump nominated Kyle Duncan to serve as a United States Circuit Judge of the United States Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit. Duncan has dedicated his career to limiting the rights of transgender people, and even defended the anti-trans parties in the North Carolina’s infamous HB2 debacle and the school district that discriminated against Gavin Grimm.

September 7, 2017: The Justice Department filed a legal brief on behalf of the United States in the U.S. Supreme Court, arguing for a constitutional right for businesses to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation and, implicitly, gender identity.

July 26, 2017: President Trump announced, via Twitter, that "the United States Government will not accept or allow Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military."

July 26, 2017: The Justice Department filed a legal brief on behalf of the United States in the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit, arguing that the 1964 Civil Rights Act does not prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation or, implicitly, gender identity. 

May 2, 2017: The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) announced a plan to roll back regulations interpreting the Affordable Care Act’s nondiscrimination provisions to protect transgender people.

March 31, 2017: The Justice Department announced it would review (and likely seek to scale back) numerous civil rights settlement agreements with police departments. These settlements were put in places where police departments were determined to be engaging in discriminatory and abusive policing, including racial and other profiling. Many of these agreements include critical protections for LGBT people.

March 2017: The Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) removed links to four key resource documents from its website, which informed emergency shelters on best practices for serving transgender people facing homelessness and complying with HUD regulations.

March 28, 2017: The Census Bureau retracted a proposal to collect demographic information on LGBT people in the 2020 Census.

March 13, 2017: The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) announced that its national survey of older adults, and the services they need, would no longer collect information on LGBT participants. HHS initially falsely claimed in its Federal Register announcement that it was making “no changes” to the survey.

March 13, 2017: The State Department announced the official U.S. delegation to the UN’s 61st annual Commission on the Status of Women conference would include two outspoken anti-LGBT organizations, including a representative of the Center for Family and Human Rights (C-FAM): an organization designated as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

March 2, 2017: The Department of Justice abandoned its request for a preliminary injunction against North Carolina’s anti-transgender House Bill 2, which prevented North Carolina from enforcing HB 2. This was an early sign that the Administration was giving up defending trans people (later, on April 14, it withdrew the lawsuit completely).

February 22, 2017: The Departments of Justice and Education withdrew landmark 2016 guidance explaining how schools must protect transgender students under the federal Title IX law.

January 20, 2017: On President Trump’s inauguration day, the adminstration scrubbed all mentions of LGBTQ people from the websites of the White House, Department of State, and Department of Labor

9/27/2020

I can't open the news or facebook without my heart racing uncontrollably with fear and disgust because my feed is filled with nothing but photos and articles on the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the grossly homophobic GOP nominee selected to replace her. Our right to exist as well as democracy itself as we know it in the United States is at tremendous risk with her gone while trump is in power. My intestines are in agony as I bleed internally, as is always the case when i'm under particularly severe stress. The company I work for (after mergers/buyoffs) is huge. I'm going to see if they have a location in Canada so I can try and formulate a backup plan if trump stays in office after this year. I'm not sure if it's even been a full week yet since Ginsburg passed, but the GOP selected replacement already apparently gave a speech equating LGBT people to pedophiles and rapists, and im still shaking now, 20min after skimming over that particular article. This can't keep happening, but it is. ALL OVER THE WORLD. Things need to reverse, but I don't know what I can do to help. I voice my fears and concerns to the few who listen, and I post and repost attempts to reach people, but no one really cares enough to reconsider their absurd and ardent devotion to trump and his hateful facist regime. Besides my boss, anyway. He listens to me. I can't say for sure if he'll keep from voting for trump again, but I know he sees the despair that evil man causes me, and I know he'll at least consider it in this upcoming election.

I meant to focus today's entry on my plans for surgery, but I made the mistake of opening up that rectangle of pain we call a cell phone first. Writing things down makes me feel a little bit better though. Crying helps more, but for some reason my intestines are more likely to take the hit than my eyes. Whatever. Either way, I'll still say a few words on transition updates. That IS the #1 reason for this journal... to track my transition, both for myself and others; mostly myself. Though I do take comfort knowing that there actually are a few others who read this -hi you [wave wave]. Having a little, supportive audience gives me strength, so thank you. Also owwww, my chest still really hurts from what I was saying in that first paragraph. The GOP/trump better not kill me off just by giving me a heart attack (or stroke) from their horrible policies and speeches. Ugh!

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was that I found a way to pay the nearly $20,000 fee due before surgery. I don't really want to go into too much detail in a journal im posting to the internet, but I will say that what happened is truly a miracle. Basically it turns out that I, someone who lived off of $5 a week for food in college, and could barely make both rent and school bills after that, and then barely cover a mortgage and property tax, and am currently back to only one working vehicle between my spouse and I, just happen to have exactly the amount I need for surgery in an account that was over TWENTY TIMES smaller only a few months ago, thanks to a miracle investment. But yeah.... I think im actually starting to understand what all my books truly mean when they suggest one tends to have exactly what they need; no more and no less, to follow the true path that calls them. Looking at things this way also gives me a little extra sense of assurance that i have chosen the surgeon I was meant to all along, whatever the result may be. I'm also still facing a tremendously daunting array of other financial obstacles with this surgery that I don't really have much of a plan for yet. But so far it looks like the biggest problem is under control at least.

Another huge thing also happened recently, though it's more about my dear spouse than myself... They started coming out to people as non-binary!!!! They officially declared their pronouns to be they/them rather than she/her, and they asked me to refer to them as my “spouse” exclusively, rather than using spouse/wife interchangeably. This didn't come as a surprise to me at all; in fact i've asked about their preferred pronouns a few times. In the past though, they've always claimed to not care about pronouns at all, but that uncertainty is over now, and I'm very very proud and happy for them! They still suffer from crushing depression though, and it both worries and saddens me that it doesn't seem to be lifted at all from this change like it was for me. There's so much hatred going around, more visible than it has been in a very long time, and it's getting to my spouse even more than it is me. I want so much to do more for them, and for the rest of our kind, but I still don't know what, and its eating at me.... I hate being so powerless. This hatred isn't just hurting me, its hurting the ones I love most in this world. What else can i do?

And I did start progesterone last night, And STILL no updates on my passport or my birth certificate.... Nevermind, I just checked my passport application status online... my passport request was denied. There is a statement saying that I am somehow ineligible for a passport, even though I was born a US citizen and provided my recent passport (issued less than a year ago, but with my old name and wrong gender marker). So im furious, and panicking and am going to stop writing now so I can cry

10/23/2020

So the past month has been pretty eventful. A lot of good and a lot of bad has happened. And soooooooo many tears too. I usually write journal entries to help myself feel better when I’m upset, and this is definitely another one of those times… About an hour ago I went to the mailbox and got the paperwork outlining my insurance plan changes. And the out of network deductible for the insurance that I’m going to have for my surgery went up from under $3,000 to almost $10,000family;$5,000+ individual. And since GRS is out of network, obviously I’m extremely upset and furious and don’t know what I’m going to do. I think the whole situation is grievously unfair. The Covid pandemic is also greatly worsening very rapidly after it seemed like things were getting better, and the surgeon’s office in Pennsylvania is no longer open to in person consultations as a result. I’m also likely to end up having to take even more time off for work due to possible interstate travel quaranteen restrictions, and I already have no idea how to pay for a place to stay for the week in PA that i’ll be recovering. And since my consultation in a couple weeks is going to be virtual now, I had to take and send photos of the surgical site to the surgeon's office by email, which was difficult and upsetting to me. I’m also nervous because I don’t think my anatomy looks normal enough – its got an extremely dark line through the middle and a large black spot where the opening should be (if I were born properly), and the skin type is obviously meant to be internal rather than external -its gross. I honestly don’t really see a lot of porn, but I have seen enough to know that that’s probably not right. And that’s only the surface of my medical stresses lately… My teeth are in absolutely horrifying shape and I’m terrified i’m going to loose my front teeth and look really terrible, and then NO ONE will like me. And my spouse is going to be checked for skin cancer next week, and probably has it. And so on and so on.

The progesterone I recently started is pretty great – my boobs feel amazing and heavy, and my face has finally rounded up enough to make me happy, and my dreams have intensified. Everything feels very very different in my sleep, and it’s really fascinating to me. My thoughts and emotions have definitely shifted and everything I dream feels far more real and detailed, and I can remember everything better. And when I’m awake my thoughts and emotions have changed too. I feel so very different, but it’s really difficult to put exactly what’s going on into words. I’ve gotten FAR more emotional – to the point where I’ve cried openly quite a lot at work this week. I definitely get emotionally hurt way easier, but it’s also easier to cheer me up. Just the other day, one of the work technicians said something that quickly sent me into tears of sadness, but within an hour I was crying tears of joy because another co-worker asked me how I was doing, and I was able to unload some emotions on him. I was also almost ready to cry happy tears when the other technician (who’s always been much nicer to me than the others) gave me a lunch bag stuffed with 3 jars of delicious homemade pickles.

I’ve also seen things. I’m a little worried writing about this here, because I don’t want to be appearing crazy right before I finally manage to get surgery, but it’s an honest observation. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the progesterone or not, but last Sunday I saw blood on my left thumb and then again all over my right leg and in the water in the bathtub. It was only there for a moment, and it disappeared when I went to clean it and get a better look. And then in church I saw an extremely tall grey bearded man wearing old traditional priestly clothes standing in the corner. And he wasn’t just tall... he was as tall as the church itself! He was translucent, and I knew noone else could see him, and he was gone only an instant after I saw him. He had a definite air of authority and compassion, and I didn’t see him until I was silently in a heartfelt prayer for mercy for transgender people. I’ve never seen anything like these two occurrences before, and I’ve only seen things on that one day so far. I have no idea what they really were either. Were they all in my head? Was it supernatural? Did I see a ghost? Is unlocking my true self changing my perception of reality? Is the awesome medicine I’m taking putting pressure on odd parts of my brain? I really don’t know.

The presidential election is only a couple weeks away, and I’m quite terrified about that. My spouse and I were just talking about how it feels like we haven’t really rested in four years since trump rose to power, every day living in fear of what horrible thing he would do next. If he wins again, It will be time to seriously look for a way out of the country before it’s too late.

And Monday they’re expected to confirm another harshly Anti-LGBT justice to the supreme court as Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s Replacement. And so I’m very scared that they might decide to nullify my marriage next. This could also cause unimaginable damage to the LGBTQ+ community as a whole.

There was a huge windstorm the other day that caused a very large tree to fall millimeters to the left of our house, crushing the steel gate to our chainlink fence like a soda can. If our clothes line hadn’t been attached to that tree as tightly as it was, the tree probably would have hit our house directly, with the main force of the impact hitting where my spouse and child typically spend the day. Fortunately that didn’t happen, and our homeowners insurance covered the gate and fence.

Another huge thing that happened was that I finally got my corrected birth certificate!!!! And that made me jump and dance and cry for joy. I had just said earlier that day that I had given up on it, and was going to reapply, starting with the long process of requesting a new original certificate to mail back to them with a new application and notarized paperwork.

Just yesterday, the HR department at work sent me an email asking me if I would like to apply for a position on a new corporate level council on Diversity and Inclusion. And shortly after that I received a phone call from the head of the local HR department, telling me they reopened the apparently already closed window for applying, just for me. The idea of joining such a council makes me extremely nervous, especially since I have a very difficult time with public speaking, and am overall pretty afraid of other people in general. But since I’m the only out trans person at my location and one of only a few across the global locations, I felt obligated to go forward with the application. I have been looking for a way to do my part in all this, and this could potentially be a real start. It’s just very nerve-wracking.

And lastly, the biggest thing that happened this month, was that I met one of my trans friends from twitter IN REAL LIFE during my work lunch break! Being a trans women who has never had any other in-person friends like me, this was HUGE! The only other trans person I know is a trans man who lives over six hours away. Megan is the first trans woman (besides myself) I’ve EVER gotten to hang out with, and I couldn’t be happier that she agreed to meet up while she was in town. She doesn’t currently live nearby (she was just visiting), but I really hope I get to see more of her in the future. It was less than an hour, but it was so nice and life changing for me. It also amazes me that I got to meet the person who’s been giving me personal book suggestions! And this was the FIRST time I’ve ever met up with someone I met online -so it was also a little scary at first. But I reeeeealy wanted to meet Megan. I actually did have plans to meet another trans twitter friend for some Axe throwing back in March, but Covid ruined that. I really hope we still get to do that sometime- I would LOVE to be in person friends with both of them!

Anyway, That’s it for now. I think I might be capable of being productive again now that I got some things off my mind -especially how I feel about the insurance/medical issues. So, uhm… Cya!

.

Hi!

So as I've mentioned before, I have noticed that there actually does seem to be other people reading this and so I just wanted to say that I really do like to hear from other people who are facing similar situations, so please don't be afraid to message me on twitter (@brenninmorning1). Just don't message me something simple like "hi" because I get a lot of those and I've learned to stop answering them (😢). Im also very open to advise about any of the things I cry about in my journals, in fact I really really really want someone to tell me if some of the odd things I experience are normal.

Oh, and here's that transition timeline I posted to youtube:   https://youtu.be/c6FX53EwOKM

11/14/2020

So I have my surgery date set for March. I really wish I could just pause and enjoy the moment, but instead I’ve been filled with more stress than I’ve ever felt before in my life.  I’ve lived through some reasonably stressful situations before, but on Tuesday this week, I committed to both paying the surgeon over $18,000 in less than two months and to having all my genital hair permanently removed before March, and both are pretty huge feats. I also had to book a room at the recovery house for over a week, which is yet another major expense. Before setting the surgery date, I wasn’t quite so worried about the hair removal since they only said it was “strongly recommended”. The reality however is that if there’s too many hair follicles left, I could possibly be denied surgery on the day of, thus losing at least $6,000 of the $18K+ deposit, and almost another $1K for the room, and pretty much any chance I have of getting the surgery anytime remotely soon. As I started researching electrolysis and laser shortly after setting the date, I came across a local laser hair removal business and set an initial consultation date for December. But then I continued researching, and the reality of typical hair removal timelines quickly dawned on me (the fact that treatments are most often 6-12 MONTHS long), and the typical costs were almost just as daunting. And so my panic state greatly intensified as I immediately started frantically researching all I could to find out just how doomed I suddenly was, and started to express my fears to various people, hoping to find some useful advice, and fast.  My boss logically suggested that I write back to the surgeon’s office to get some more clarity on expectations and to keep them informed about my concerns, and so I did that, and also contacted the laser/skin care business again to ask about moving up my appointment to an earlier (even if a much less convenient) time. And moments after I finished work on Friday (a work from home day) I received an email saying that they could do my consultation that day! I immediately got dressed and rushed out the door, and got there over an hour early, but checked in anyway and they got me in within just a few minutes because someone else had cancelled! The last thing I EVER want to do is show someone my gross mismatched genitals, but the nurse/doctor/technician was extremely nice and professional and gave me enough reassurance to calm me down out of a reasonably well concealed panic, and even offered me an unbelievably great price for laser sessions. And after my consultation I was able to keep the other appointment time that day for an actual laser session! And so suddenly things are actually on track when they still seemed so impossible when I had gotten up that morning.

It’s difficult to have to keep relying on miracles, but they’ve been occurring a lot lately, and I’ve gone from overwhelming despair to overwhelming gratitude. I’m still super terrified that some horrible unexpected thing might happen to derail my withdrawal from that account I mentioned a few entries ago to make the $18K+ payment I committed to, but at the moment the pieces are finally starting to come together, which provides MUCH needed momentary relief.

A couple other notable things have also happened since my last entry that I want to mention. The 2020 presidential election obviously just occurred too, and Biden’s apparent win is another immense relief. It was extremely difficult to sleep for the first couple nights following the election, since it initially looked like trump was going to win, but Biden eventually took the lead in more than enough states needed to win. I’m honestly not a huge fan of either Biden or Kamala Harris, but the relentless attacks on trans/lgbtq+ rights by trump and the gop will finally end, at least for a little while. Trump has been in power throughout most of my transition, most of my 5yr old child’s life, and the entire time that I’ve been out as trans. Assuming he’s successfully removed from office, this could basically be my first chance to Truly relax…. EVER in this lifetime. So I’m very much looking forward to that possibility.

When I went to cast my early in person ballot in the election however, I learned that the department of elections never updated my name or gender when I submitted my forms to the DMV several months ago (and received an updated driver’s license). It was kind of embarrassing to have to explain everything at the ballot table in front of everyone to secure my right to vote, but once it was clarified I was able to get the records corrected for the future while I was there.

And lastly, I recently appealed for additional review of my Social Security record update request since it was initially denied and the representative I talked with agreed! The initial denial was wrongly issued and the new reviewer apologized on behalf of the SS office and I’ll be receiving my new card shortly. It’s frustrating to have to put up a fight for every little thing, as my identity correction requests have been denied constantly, even when I provide all that is asked for, but besides my passport, this is my last remaining major official personal identification record to correct, which is very exciting!

11/20/2021

Today was Trans day of Remembrance. Its only been about a year and a half since I really started interacting with other members of the transgender community (mostly online), but some of those people I’ve gotten to meet over that year and a half are already gone. It’s a very serious and heartbreaking problem when one small population has such a high rate of suicide and violent death at the hands of cruel people who think we shouldn’t exist.

Although I certainly still have my moments, it’s such a miracle that I’ve broken free of the cycle of absolute hopelessness I used to be in. Suicide was ALL I could think about most of the time, for so many years. When I was just a small child, the emotions I had about myself were already too much for me to handle, as I devoted great effort to reject and suppress emotion as much as possible. For almost 30 years, every time I looked in the mirror I saw a stranger. While most boys would talk about wanting to have sex with pretty girls, I just wanted to BE a pretty girl. But my dad and many others were relentless in their persistence in making sure I behaved like a boy, slowly engraving into me the idea that “girly” things were just wrong, and that I should never want such things. And I feel like I’ve missed out on so much because society pushed so damn hard for me to be a boy, keeping me from getting to do all the little things I wanted to enjoy. And that’s what really hurt the most.

I developed an interesting ability as a child as I waged my little war against emotion. Over time I learned to “erase” my own memories – the most emotional ones. If something hurt or was particularly embarrassing, I would focus my concentration on mentally searing away the memory with kind of a cosmic light energy, and then washed it over with nothingness, over and over, and over again until it was gone. After a while, it was easy for me to wash things over with nothingness. In fact, meditating on nothingness was how I dealt with the mind-blowing concept of eternity (the idea of living in heaven for all time scared me beyond measure, and was something I thought about a lot thanks to early sunday school). And I have a feeling that the combination of fighting emotion and “erasing” memories was a huge part of the development of my go-to coping method, which I can best describe as a mental rift dividing my consciousness into at least two totally different people. That rift started out small, but by the time I was grown up and joining the workforce, I had a soulless, emotionally stunted robot personality that occupied most of my waking hours, and handled all the difficult things in my life.

I’ve been incredibly emotional since transitioning, but after I started progesterone, it’s like a dam holding back an entire ocean of emotion just collapsed. And with this turbulent flow of endless, powerful emotion, came a flood of long lost memories too. Only a few minutes ago I remembered something especially precious that I misguidingly “erased” many years ago, and is the reason for the heavy tears in my eyes right now….I had a lot of different baby sitters when I was really little. But one of the first, if not the first was one where I actually got to spend the day with another little girl (though literally no one knew I was a little girl too). It was a very long time ago. I don’t even remember her name. The house was always very clean, and the upstairs floor was her bedroom and play space -oh dear God this is why I love my best friends new house so much…. The upstairs was carpeted in white, and the whole house was huge by my standards. I have a younger brother, but he’s not part of these memories, so he was especially young. And this was...He must have been a baby, and so I must have been around four. We played with little plastic jewels and bead necklaces, and we did play with dolls! And we ran around playing pretend games, using our imagination. And her bedroom was so girly! Everything was soft and pink and white and unicorns and rainbows…. Exactly how I wished my bedroom could have been. I slept there often too… I basically did have a sister, briefly. It didn’t last, and I don’t know that I ever knew why. But wow im sad now.

And wow It’s almost 3am.. I’m going to sleep now.  

11/22/2020

Something people don’t seem to talk about very often is the effect chemically transitioning to female and the subsequent loss of physical strength and status in society has on a person. Before I started taking estrogens, I was many times stronger than I am now. The idea of some random aggressor deciding to attack me was not something I ever had to worry about six years ago. If someone ever did decide to fight me back then, I had more than decent muscles on my side, and would have likely forced whoever was after me to put in a great deal of effort to get whatever they wanted. But now I’m kind of an easy target, which is actually pretty terrifying. Taking estrogens, my muscles were no longer effortlessly sustained by testosterone and deteriorated more and more as years went on. Not all women are as weak as I am obviously, but it takes a massive amount of time and effort for most women to gain the level of muscle most men get without even trying. And since I never had to work hard to build muscle in the past, exercising is not something I’m accustomed to, or even remotely interested in. As a result however, I’ve taken a drastic fall to the bottom of the scale in terms of physical strength, and most people, of any gender or skill could now easily pose a physical threat to me if they so chose.

And physical power is not the only power I’ve lost. Our society is very much built to advantage straight white cis-gender men, whether or not those straight white cis men can see or admit that fact which is so very obvious to most others. Now I certainty benefited from some of these privileges back when everyone saw me as one of them (as painful and emotionally taxing as those years of hiding were) as I had the opportunity to enter the college of my choice and easily start a respectable career as an engineer, getting a rather decent headstart in life. But as I transitioned, I discovered something very bizarre to me as a person of my previous level of privilege. I discovered for myself that there is an intense bias deeply ingrained in members across society that essentially gives straight white cis men a starting position of respect in almost any situation that just doesn’t exist for anyone else, especially women. To my initial confusion after transitioning and passing as female, I found myself being forced to exhaustively prove my competence time and time again to overcome an initial assumption of total ineptitude in everyday situations and discussions. In the past I could just say something that sounded true, and instantly earned the consideration and basic respect of others. Now however, everything I say is tossed aside or treated like childish ramblings if I don’t first prove a position of knowledge or authority on the topic first. And that initial assumption of utter unskillfulness is especially strong in discussions on engineering (my career/field of study), vehicles, politics, movies and video games, just to name a few.

And this type of situation is far more challenging for people who don’t easily pass as cis-gender. Cis-women, and cis-passing trans women may face a severe lack of respect on a daily basis compared to men, but this disrespect often turns to outright belligerence and violence when some individuals can tell if someone else is transgender or gender queer. Not passing is something that most transgender people have to face, at least for some portion of their life, but instead of just facing an assumption of incompetence, there’s often a cruel assumption of severe immorality and worthlessness that is sometimes deadly. And for non-binary folks this is even more likely a life-time constant, especially in everyday situations like using a public restroom. When these types of situations are compounded with the extreme loss of physical strength, the potential victim is even more powerless.

Coming out itself is also generally a hugely vulnerable and humbling circumstance. You never truly know how someone is going to react when they find out someone else is transgender, and if the wrong person finds out about someone being trans, especially early in a transition, it could easily mean the end of one’s career, relationships, or life. And when discrimination against people over being trans is legal or even encouraged, it only buries one even further into the dirt under the social ladder.

The entire experience of being transgender and undergoing transition is marked with humility and vulnerability, and in the face of feelings of tremendous hopelessness and powerlessness, inner strength is sometimes all we have to turn to. And I think this shapes people in really interesting and remarkable ways. We all draw inner strength differently and the act of doing so teaches us about who we are. The path to self discovery for trans people is so complex and unique, and as painful as things are at times, I’m very grateful to be on the path I’m on, and to be me.

12/7/2020

Six pills a day 

Keep the curse at bay. 

Miss some You’re done! 

To Hell dragged away 

 

(Cis people have their apples to fight those doctors, so here's my version)

12/12/2020

So in less than four weeks, i'm going to have to pay an unimaginably huge bill for my surgery. And I made some phone calls regarding where most of the money is going to have to come from, but best case it still looks like im going to be short by several thousand dollars after taxes.... which is what I've been afraid of. And I haven't really talked about that to anyone close yet... I'm going to try and time things so the taxes won't be due until the end of next year, but there's still so much that could go wrong and im really scared, and my stress is growing exponentially as the deadline approaches. I'm also just plain out of money and freaking out. I also still haven't even paid for the week i'm going to have to stay in the recovery house after surgery, but so far it looks like I can wait until March for that. I really, truly hate having to ask other people for help, especially financially, but I recently started a GoFundMe to help get through this, and a small handful of people have already contributed, and its so heartwarming how nice people are being to me. I cried when my niece made a contribution, and i've been so close to crying for every single one of the others, including a few in-person friends, online friends, and even a co-worker, all of whom I never expected the help from. The world may seem so horribly awful and cruel MOST of the time, but there's so many good people all around us, and I really am so truly fortunate to have all these wonderful people in my life.

I think i might be able to pull off getting another loan for whatever is left over, I just hope its something manageable. I just need to keep focusing on planning everything just right until its finally out of my hands and done. I just want this massive financial obstacle to end so I can at least focus on how scared I am of the actual surgery, rather than focusing purely on finances and how much im scared of the costs. I know this surgery is what I need to do, and I want it more than anything, but there are more challenges with this besides the financial/clarical, which I simply cant afford to spare any mental attention to.

Mentally the stress is really getting to me, and with the COVID crisis at its worst yet, I can't even see my friends, and it really hurts. The only thing I know to do is to keep fighting, so thats what im doing, but i am so insanely fatigued. 

1/9/2021

The last few weeks have been indescribably stressful due to the uncertainty surrounding my surgery financing. I had done everything I possibly could, but over the past few weeks, all that was left was to just wait and see how much of my efforts worked out, while the due date for the initial, nearly $20K payment quickly approached. And the lion-share of the suspense is over now – I made that impossibly huge payment yesterday. I still have so much more to fret about financially on this – I Need insurance to reimburse the portion they should be according to the phone calls i've made throughout the year, or else i don't know how i'm going to cover the taxes on all the money that wasn't there before until this week (like 95% of it). Unfortunately getting any sort of insurance reimbursement is no less challenging than it was to pull an unimaginable amount of money out of thin air (as it was from my point of view), and even if successful, can't be expected for another YEAR. I've also got another nearly $1K bill to pay for my upcoming stay at the surgery recovery house, and a $300+ surgery shopping list (orders from the surgeons office) full of things I have to take pre and post surgery to help prevent complications. I'm also paying for pre-surgery laser hair removal sessions every three weeks, which is also required by the surgeon. AND on top of that, i'm still waiting for the surgeons office to sort out with one of my providers the fine details of one of my surgery approval letters so I can hopefully have insurance coverage for all the additional hospital charges during surgery, such as anesthesia. In case that falls through, I have some sources lined up to borrow some money, but my ability to make monthly payments on things is a bit restricted. Anyway, things are still very terrifying financially, but the most scary parts are finally over. I also received a lot of help from some extremely kind, generous people through the goFundme page I recently created. Now that the worst is over, i've closed contributions to my surgery fund though, because the last thing I want to do is end up taking more than I truly need. With the extra boost i've received so far, although still seriously terrifying, i can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just a little bit further.

And a lot of other things have happened too since my last entry. Christmas celebrations were small and cautious, thanks to the pandemic, but I got to see my Mom, who finally knows how much I appreciate more 'girly' presents. She gave me a very cute pair of boots (which was also super helpful, because I've been wearing flats in the snow on workdays), and also a very cute winter dress that i cried with joy over. And my spouse gave me a very cute transgender themed children's book to read with our child (which made me ugly cry at least twice now). And there were tons of other very thoughtful (and mostly very cute) gifts too.

As the large portion of my surgery finances was still being processed just a few days ago (on my birthday, actually), I was hit with some crushing, terrifying news – my Mom got sick and then tested positive for Coronavirus... And she's not exactly young and in peak health anymore. I've been talking with her every day though to keep updated on her symptoms and see if she needs anything, and she was tested waaay quicker than most people would have been (she's a hospital worker so she was tested the moment she felt off). Fortunately, her symptoms have been very mild so far, and only included a very short lived loss of taste and smell so far. As a precaution though, (since she WAS our only guest on Christmas) I worked from home for the rest of the week, and so far everyone in our household seems normal.

Also at literally the same time as everything else I've mentioned so far, the democratic party took control of the Senate away from McConnel thanks to the Georgia runoff election, which will likely HUGELY positively affect laws and treatment of us LGBTQ+ people for a very long time. Also as a result there is actually serious talk of student loan forgiveness, which would DRASTICALLY improve my day to day life, as well as the lives of most of my closest friends.

And yet another, even more major event also occurred that day, which dominated the news across the globe – an angry trump supporting mob broke into the US Capitol building, forcing all our elected representatives into hiding for most of the day. The insurrection was de-escalated noticeably well though, in a VAST AND OBVIOUS contrast to the violent and unconstitutional police response to the BLM protests throughout the past year. And the response to the event was very much the opposite of what the mob was clearly intending – it brought a little more unity to the senate for the certification of trump's defeat to Biden, and now there's even talk of actions to prevent trump from trying to run again in another 4 years. He's also now been banned from all major social media platforms like twitter and facebook for inciting violence.

And lastly, I want to add to this entry that two major celebrities have recently come out as trans.. The first is ELLIOT PAGE, whose been my favorite actor for quite a while now. Thinking about him being a part of the trans community and having him as a public example for us is super exciting and positive, and I LOVE that person so much. And the timing was also very fortunate, because there were some terribly devastating laws/court decisions about to be voted on right as he came out, and I think his high profile may have helped turn things in our favor. Anyway, I hope for the best for him, and am so grateful to have such a beloved, visible trans person with so much influence. The other person is Eddie Izzard, who immediately joined forces with the now openly and aggressively transphobic author JK Rowling right after publicly announcing her pronouns to be she/her. Eddie’s self hate and attitude has bothered me since I first saw her in college, and now I worry she’s using her influence to walk back many of the things other trans people have fought very long and hard for. It’s also deeply infuriating that the BBC recently nominated JK Rowling for a prestigious award specifically for her anti-trans writing….. and I still feel sick just thinking about her, so i’m going to end this entry now and do something else.

2/2/2021

So the insane emotional roller coaster continues....

I recently received a letter from insurance stating that bottom surgery was “not medically necessary” and that such a treatment “should only be done in select cases”. And as a result, I was hit by another large, unexpected bill of over $6,000.... It's hard to put to words how scared, frustrated, heartbroken, overwhelmed, and furious I am over this, but one way or another, with or without insurance, even if it costs me everything, I am going to get this surgery. The total bill is already just about equivalent to my entire household AGI for the year, which is truly brutal, but I'm not even close to giving up. I immediately applied for some more emergency funds and called insurance to look for an explanation and a path through this next incredibly daunting roadblock. It turns out only one of my two gender dysphoria diagnosis/surgery support letters counted, and they are requiring me to find another doctor and convince them to write me a surgery approval letter with only 1 ½ months left before my surgery!!!! And not only is this a feat in of itself, but now im going to need to pay for multiple $100-$150 therapy sessions to an unfamiliar therapist just to prove im trans to yet another doctor (when even my BIRTH CERTIFICATE is female at this point). And so I started out on this venture with more phone calls (which I actually HATE and can't stand phone calls by the way!!!), in an attempt to find someone through the most affordable route possible – utilizing more work benefits. Unfortunately after about 20 phone calls to people on the list of potential low cost mental health doctors, I failed to find anyone local who is actually taking patients at all during the covid pandemic. Most of my calls just went totally unanswered, but once I finally got hold of an actual person willing to discuss my situation, they still told me they werent taking any new patients in the end, and I just ended up sobbing uncontrollably while they repeatedly offered a single complementary stress management session, which I refused multiple times, feeling like they just weren't even really listening to me.

Fortunately, I had another pre-surgery hair removal session the day after I found out about the insurance denial, and broke down in front just the right person. The doctor helping me with the hair removal just happened to have some incredible connections and quickly got me an appointment with a well qualified local mental health professional with very strong LGBT ties, despite his website clearly stating not being able to take new patients during the pandemic. And though my work benefit to make the additional therapist appointments more affordable did not apply, I was just very, very, very relieved to finally have a path through this horrible situation. He also seems very sincere and understanding, and so far I really like him.

This whole insurance process is just deeply insulting, demeaning, and soooooooo incredibly unfair. In no other situation is someone expected to get so many different doctors to provide the same diagnosis for one treatment. A treatment mind you that no non trans (/nonbinary) person would be trying to get.... And for a trans person with dysphoria regarding such anatomy, this IS medically necessary, and is even considered so by State Law and modern medicine. The fact that insurance may potentially put me in a situation where I'll be getting surgery in such a severe financial situation could also be potentially life threatening – especially when complications are so common – or they would be if I were going to an in-network surgeon like they would have preferred... Fortunately I'll be seeing literally the best surgeon on Earth for this procedure....and I got approved to borrow more money.... Take that insurance – with or without you, I will overcome and succeed because fate and miracles are still on my side. All in all, I am quite hurt, but I still got this.

Something else also just happened that I really want to mention, even though it's not transition related. They just started implementing the new $15 minimum wage requirement at work, which I very much applaud. The moment I heard I was overjoyed and had the biggest dumbest grin under my mask for the rest of the day. The mix of emotions of lower wage workers as they discovered the news though was surreal... some were leaping for joy, while others were furious. It's so sad to me that jealousy is keeping so many others from rejoicing over someone else being relieved of suffering. I've been unable to afford food before – its horrible. And most of these people have children, who will now be able to live much better lives. People who already make $15/hr or slightly more may very well deserve more, but the improved treatment of people who made less than that in no way hurts their situation! If everyone in the company who makes less than me suddenly had their wages increased to match mine, why in the world would I not be happy about the improved quality of life of them and their families!? I would still be paying my bills exactly as before, and might even have more leverage to ask for a raise in the future. It would be a wonderful thing!!!! People really need to stop treating life like a competition. If you need the people around you to suffer just so you can feel superior in order to be happy, then maybe you should get help with that.

3/7/2021
My surgery is only two weeks away!!! I am extremely excited, but I’ve also been extremely stressed out and absurdly paranoid.. So much so, that I’ve temporarily taken my transition journal offline. I’m terrified out of my mind that something… anything (including the obviously irrational) could happen that would crush my dream of getting this surgery at the last minute. In the past, I would honestly say that stress made me especially productive and helped push me to solve difficult problems. And this past year I have, under severe stress, overcome some of the most insane challenges I’ve ever faced…. But this time it’s seriously taken its toll, both physically and mentally….

It took a long time to finally get insurance to approve any coverage –they just approved this past week. The hair removal requirement has also caused a ton of stress – it’s a slow process, and im still worried I didn’t manage to do enough. I couldn’t afford to get sick at all the past 6 months – I had various critically important appointments every 2 or so weeks. I have severe anxiety around making phone calls – I had to make what feels like hundreds of phone calls between figuring out finances, medical requirements, insurance, and surgery planning. Per the surgeon’s orders, I had to take a break from progesterone –I don’t feel like im sleeping anymore, my emotions seem stunted and incomplete, and I just feel sad, tired, and empty. Extreme anxiety also tends to cause physical health problems for me. Due to obviously irrational paranoia I also feel forced to be dishonest and keep secrets again lately, which eats me up inside. It all hurts so much. And in the stress I even briefly totally lost my mind… I’m an engineer, and for work I designed a particularly expensive machine part and ordered it to be made by a highly equipped cnc shop across the country. It finally arrived a couple weeks ago, and I remember the packaging it arrived in, and noted the unusually light weight of the part. I inspected it to make sure it met some of the most critical design requirements, and then set it aside to do my other tasks for the day… and then it disappeared. I looked absolutely everywhere for it for the rest of the week, and even considered dumpster diving for
it. Like a good employee, I promptly reported its disappearance to my boss and recruited several others to help locate it… But being paranoid and only a few weeks from surgery, I was terrified of the possibility of losing my job over it too, which made the stress even worse. But a week later ….it arrived in the freaking mail. It had never even arrived in the first place. WTF.

And in the little, poor quality sleep I have been getting, just about every night has been fraught with nightmares about my child in dire peril where I fight with every bit of strength and willpower I have (and then some) to just barely succeed in saving him (or in one case, drown with him in my arms thousands of feet underwater after finally catching up to him). Having just recently read a book on nightmare interpretation, I understand the likely meaning behind the nightmares– one’s child tends to be so important to a person that nightmares will often use them to memorably represent something else very important to someone; in my case this surgery.

This entire ordeal has taught me so much about myself. I’ve truly reached the limits of what kind of stress I can reasonably handle. I’ve gotten a totally new look at my strengths and weaknesses and how
far i would really be willing to go to get this surgery. I’ve run thousands of nightmarish scenarios through my head and realized I would totally go to truly insane lengths and would sacrifice almost anything, my life included, for this... On the positive side though… this does show that I’ve finally come around to loving myself enough to fight so hard for my own happiness. So at least there’s that.

The sudden absence of progesterone, combined with the overwhelming stress also seems to have summoned my old defense personality back from the dead. It’s a somewhat unhealthy relationship, but I will admit they are quite good in a crisis and are a profoundly effective protector (even if mid conversation my true self gets randomly chucked back into the impenetrable box I spent most of my life in). An anime my spouse and I have been watching lately gave me a good comparrison -Although my defense personality and I are truly one person, I’d compare them to Lelouch, while at the core I’m basically his sister, Nunnally (code Geass -before the accidental massacre; I couldn’t watch any more after that). My defense personality was always indisputably clever and cold, but only ever existed out of necessity. Their return honestly caught me by surprise, and we both know they don’t really belong on the surface anymore, but at the same time, I can’t say im not grateful. Earlier this week I checked in with the surgeon’s office because I never received any confirmation on acceptance of the last of my pre-ops (EKG & physical). And their office responded saying they never received any results at all and subsequently failed to get in touch with the reporting office, getting noting but the answering machine. Being in crisis mode however, i had all the results sitting on their desk in PA within an hour. And huddled in the box, I did at least get a chance to finally catch my breath. But I can’t stay like this. I just reviewed my notes from my initial consultation with the surgeon…. They want me to stay off progesterone for 6 more months!!! Yeah… im going to have to get some more answers about that…

Right before I had to stop progesterone, I was crying A LOT. Heavy tears too… but it also felt really good and helped me to reset and clear my mind. The drastically improved sleep on progesterone also felt extremely refreshing. But now its really difficult to cry again.Things keep building up and I feel really off. I know it’s not right. And I think im going to stop here today. It’ll probably be a while before I put this online, but I do plan to do a couple more pre-surgery entries. This is a tremendously important life event for me, and I want to preserve it – even the parts that hurt.

 3/14/2021

This whole past week I’ve pretty much just been overwhemed with excitement and joy about being so close to surgery. About time too! Through this whole ordeal, I’ve just been so stressed about making everything work, that’s all I’ve been focused on. I was basically in a state of focused panic for the past 6 months. But now that I’m this close, and all the huge obstacles I had to overcome (mostly financial) are over, ive finally been able to relax a little. This is what ive wished for on every star and birthday candle for 30 years, but as much as ive wanted this, it always just felt like a dream; Not really something I could actually one day achieve. But now the surgery is actually starting to feel real for once. I can’t believe im really about to fix this!!!! im just one week away from escaping hell – and that is just so cool to me.

I haven’t really been super productive this week -mostly just sitting around watching videos on my phone on the couch or in bed, but im actually pretty content with this. Relaxing was something I needed so much, and now I almost feel like my whole little world is glowing in kind of a warm glowing light (if that makes any sense at all). Its really nice.

And now that there’s only a few more hours left of the weekend, ive finally started to be a tiny bit productive -writing this entry, and paying some attention to the next step for me, 3d artwork. Around 7 years ago one of my coworkers, in awe over my 3d modeling skills told me how obvious it was that I was missing my calling by being an engineer. And he was right. But getting this surgery is proving that I really can do anything. Not necessarily without help obviously, but I’ve come so far this past year and now that I can actually see what else I want out of life beyond transitioning/dealing with gender dysphoria…. I actually have a future.

It’s not clear exactly how that future’s going to look. I don’t know how long Ill continue my current career, if I shift out of it at all, but its really exciting to think about the possibilities. And its not just the big picture either… Next week is going to seriously change every little thing about my life. Sex is going to be great, I’ll be able to shower and use the restroom without feeling nauseous and grossed out, Ill be able to comfortably sleep without clothes on, ill be able to wear much better underwear and cute swimwear… this summer is going to be so amazing!!! I won’t have to be so afraid to use public restrooms (or even the restroom at work), or locker rooms, or get caught changing anywhere else instead (like the woods). I won’t have to be afraid of somehow wrongfully ending up in a men’s prison to get raped to death, & if some horrible man decides to try and rape me, my chances of survival will be slightly better..... so many sources of everyday anxiety are going to be over!!! All the attempts of people trying to tell me to just stop being trans and all the people telling me I’m a man because of my anatomy will no longer be able to get to me…. im going to be so much stronger and more confident once there’s nothing left for anyone to hold against me. I wish I was already strong enough that all the horrible transphobes in the world wouldnt be able to hurt me so much with cruel words and ignorance, but im not. But after this they truly won’t mean a damn thing.  

 3/28/2021

So Hi there, Guess What!? I lived!!!

Probably not much of a surprise to most people, but in the week leading up to surgery I went back into a huge panic, and started acting pretty poorly again. I did intend to write a few more entries before I got to this point, but unfortunately my pre-surgery mental state made that impossible before Tuesday, and my physical state made it impossible afterwards. My surgery was Tuesday last week, and right now it's the following Sunday. From the moment I woke up from surgery however, discovering that the surgery had gone perfectly, and without complication, I've basically just been high with relief since. I've been in such an incredible, indescribable state of peace, it's felt like my whole little universe has been glowing since I woke up. It's such a wonderful feeling, and with all my heart, I hope anyone else still seeking what I did finds it someday too.

So one week ago, March 21, I woke up at the crack of dawn in restlessness over departing for Pennsylvania later that morning. In preparation for surgery, my progesterone had been taken away a month prior, and then my estrogen dosage was cut in half without warning not long after. And as a result, I was far less stable emotionally than I had been in a very, very long time. And regardless of my chemical imbalance, I was also obviously deeply stressed about the potential risks of surgery, though probably not too terribly vocal about it. But getting this surgery was so important to me, that even the most outlandish, obscure, ridiculous perceived threats petrified me.

I had read through my surgery packet what felt like a hundred times leading up to the surgery, and I checked the “avoid list” for every little thing I put in my body, but that night I had a nightmare that I had a severe lapse in judgment the day before and had missed something. And I rushed right out of bed to check – and I HAD. And so after about 5 minutes of taking to the internet, I was off to the drugstore in a panic over my potentially low platelet count. And that was a pretty accurate depiction of my mental state right up to the operating room. I was honest about my being broken to my spouse and best friend however, who both stayed with me and looked out for me right up to the surgery, and all further trouble was successfully avoided. And that initial panic in fact turned out to be over absolutely nothing (no violations of the “avoid” list actually occurred!). Another thing that honestly helped me a lot was appealing to other members of the trans community on twitter to simply lend me a little bit of positive spiritual energy to help make it past any more obstacles, rational or irrational, that could keep me from getting the surgery. And immediately after sending, I felt the presence of everyone's love and support, and I concentrated on that as much as I could as I encountered each new panic. And there was no shortage of panic...I noticed that more hair appeared where I had done my pre-surgery hair removal (Was she going to take one look on the operating table and cancel??). I also thought about all the times they brought up my previous ulcerative proctitis condition (Was I going to break and die of sepsis on the table??)...Would I ever see my Mom, or my best friend, or my spouse, or my child ever again?..Would I even pass the covid test?...Or the hospital screening blood tests?...

But slowly each potential roadblock passed without issue, and before the sun came up Tuesday morning I was alone in a patient gown on a surgery bed in the most intimidatingly enormous, expensive, high-tech hospital I could ever imagine. And after a few words with the famous surgeon herself, I was wheeled away on my back into this stadium sized stainless steel room of huge and bizarre lights and technical contraptions truly out of a science fiction movie. And everywhere there were highly organized and disciplined personnel in gray medical uniforms, each looking exactly alike as they turned on and connected devices at astonishing speeds, just like a movie. Terrified as hell on the inside, but calm and still on the outside, they plugged me into countless tubes and wires, and as they placed a mask to my face and said some clearly scripted words of assurance, I blacked out.

And I awoke hours later, in a much smaller, more familiar type of recovery room. My genital region was in pain, but it was a weird, concentrated kind of pain, and I could still feel a few of the parts that had been operated on, but I couldn't move anything but my hands. Was it over? - I still had no idea! I noticed the surgeon standing over me, but I was still in a fog and had trouble understanding her, but it sounded like she might have just said something about the surgery being a success! Shortly afterwards I found myself more and more conscious (and nauseous) and eventually croaked out something along the lines of “what’s going on?”, (Which -oh no... I could barely talk, and my throat Killed), and was quickly reassured that the surgery was over, had gone perfectly, and without any complications. And finally at peace, I let myself drift in and out of consciousness, bathed in invisible spiritual light until finally, the universe stopped spinning so fast and a nurse delivered my small bag to my room, and my cell phone to my hand. It was around 7 hours after I had entered the operating room. I barely managed to photograph myself and inform people of my successful surgery before the world had again accelerated back into a spin I could no longer handle, and I blacked out again. And for the next 3 days I laid there on my back, conscious for brief periods at a time. And when I was conscious, I focused on trying to restore my severely damaged voice, rather than the physical pain (yes I have vocal dysphoria issues), and amused myself with how distorted everything looked (especially the text on my phone and the curtains around the room) until they made me too nauseous to stay awake.

At one point, after I had a substantial amount of rest, a team of nurses dressed in pinked assembled around my bed to help me try and stand up. And I succeeded – for about 2 seconds before the curtains, appearing to be moving up and down (they were not – it was the morphine) almost made me vomit and I gave up. About four hours later they tried again, and I managed to stand closer to 20sec, this time keeping my eyes off of anything moving that shouldn’t be. Eventually, I was able to walk down the hall using a walker, and by Friday morning, I was able to walk fairly well quite a distance on my own – in fact I had to because I had severe gas issues Thursday night, and was unable to release the gas pushing on my freshly operated on pelvis until after I walked around crying, holding my tummy for like 20min, with the poor concerned nurse trailing behind me. But by Friday, all was well, and they even served me the first real, solid food I’d had in a week.

Almost all was well anyway… As I relearned to walk I realized that my right leg was FAR behind my left in mobility… while I could already lift my left leg practically straight up in the air with little effort, I had to put a ton of effort to lift my right leg more then a couple vertical inches. It worried me a little bit, but honestly, I had a vagina at this point so it was no big deal if I lost my leg – it would still have been a good trade.

Mid afternoon on Friday, my Mom arrived and took me to the recovery house, which is where I am right now. But before releasing me, they set me up with the most humiliating catheter device I’ve ever seen, and it makes me feel like a dog with a cone on its head…

Here’s how I described it in tweet form when I realized what I was in for:

Okay... This next part is embarrassing AF and not something anyone else ever mentioned... 🧐....So for the next 3 days I have this weird plastic prosthetic penis-like thing made of pipes and valves? 🤦🏻‍♀️👎

And so here I lay in bed in the recovery house, not allowed to do anything but lay on my back except to “pee”/empty my “catheter”, eagerly waiting for tomorrow. In the morning I’ll finally get some decent time to ask questions, straighten out all the seemingly contradictory statements from the hospital staff compared to the surgeon, hopefully restart my hormones, and most importantly, unpack my new vagina and remove this horrible “catheter” abomination.

4/1/2021

It’s been a few days since my last entry, and its been rough. And that’s such a ridiculously insane understatement. And I haven’t had the energy to do much of anything besides lie in bed. And I’m so sick of lying on my back. I haven’t even had the energy to read any of the books I brought with me, or watch informative videos, or draw… ive just been so tired, miserable and in pain.

Monday morning they did remove that horrible catheter and the packing, each being a huge relief…. But removing the packing also gave me the first clear view of the operation site…. And I finally realized just how serious my current condition was…..

The appointment took place in a large, mostly empty room with a cold, tiled floor and a beautiful mural of a large, lush, green, ethereal tree on the left wall. In the middle was a bizarre steel medical chair with swinging inserts for my feet so they could spread my legs apart for the examination.

I was already mentally prepared for the physical appearance to be horrible. I was well aware that it would likely take many months to look “normal”, but for some reason I was expecting things to be horrible in a different way. What I saw was a Frankenstein patchwork of different colored skin and stitches, with incredible resemblance to scenes from literal horror movies. And the fact that the upper flap of skin was died yellow with iodine while the other regions were not, resulted in a gruesome amplification of this horror aesthetic. The packing having been freshly removed also left the opening to the vaginal canal unusually stretched and the little I could see inside the canal was dark, gray, goopy, and dead looking. They also left a substantial amount of tape all around the area, making everything look even more unnatural. And on top of this, the skin felt hard, rigid, and plastic-like, especially where the different patches of skin came together. The entire area barely felt alive – in fact it seemed like it was rotting.

The medical worker carefully examined my reaction as she gave me a mirror and removed the packaging/bandages, revealing the gruesome state of things, but on top of having almost 30years of practice suppressing emotion, they had also taken away my hormones for the operation. If they hadn’t done so I might have shown some kind of response, but without them I was already dead and soul-less inside. When she seemed satisfied that I wasn’t going to freak out, as she seemed to be used to, she started a more detailed examination and took some measurements, inserted things inside me, and took some photographs.

She then brought me a small cloth bundle and inside was a set of two dilators, which are essentially a pair of large color-coded medical dildos meant to prevent a newly formed vaginal canal from closing up. She educated me on how to properly prepare, insert and clean up the dilators, and told me to do the dilation procedure for 30 minutes three times a day until my next appointment 5 days later (which will be tomorrow from when I’m writing this). After that I should expect to dilate much more frequently. They also permitted me to resume some of my hormone medication – Finally!!!

I’m not thrilled about the fact that they’re still having me take a reduced dosage of estrogen, but at least I finally feel like a person again. I was finally able to shed a few tears and process some of the things I’ve been feeling. Back in our room I was given some strict time limits to prove I could urinate and pass bowel movements, both of which I was very nervous about at first. But eventually I was able to pee – in the shower. It took about a day or so before I was able to pee sitting on the toilet, due to the pain and pressure, somewhat amplified by dilating. In fact I’ve still had to use the shower a few more times since -its so much easier that way. I know the same muscles are used and everything, but it is a very different feeling. Its also been pretty messy, especially standing up. Its also interesting to me how much more pressure there is now compared to before surgery. And the release of that pressure even sounds like some sort of machine. It’s interesting… And I had a bowel movement for the first time in over a week on Tuesday morning. Besides the length of time though, despite being ordered to eat waaay more food than my poor, shrunken tummy wants to handle, there’s nothing else unusual to note on that.

On the night after being unwrapped I had a very unusual dream – to summarize I was basically a beautiful, confident, magical wild woman, flying and dancing provocatively in a wild nature temple bathed in sunlight and green vines. But the dream ended in an orgasm– something I’m not sure is normal so soon after surgery (it was also caused just by dancing?). I then woke up in severe pain and with new and unusual bleeding from an upper portion of my vagina that was still taped closed from surgery (and still is now). I was scared, naturally, but after some reassurance from some twitter friends, I decided to wait until morning to tell the doctor. And when I did, she didn’t seem to be alarmed since the bleeding had stopped by then, but it did take a few days and some viccoden for the sharp pain to go away.

Dilating itself isn’t terribly painful, but there’s so much more healing to be done and I’m always sore and tired afterwards. They’re also THIRTY MINUTE sessions, and the dilator is bloody and disgusting when I pull it out. The whole thing is so rough on me mentally. The dilator is also freaking huge… it’s so frightening that im supposed to go through 3 larger sizes as time goes on… To get through the dilating sessions though… I have been watching a lot of Star Trek Voyager. I just hope my favorite and most comforting show growing up doesn’t get permanently associated with dilating because of this, as hilarious as that would be.

I don’t have the slightest bit of regret over getting this surgery, even when I am cleaning blood off the dilator or rolling in pain as I try to get some sleep, but it’s still so difficult…. Fortunately though, more appropriate color and texture seems to be returning to the healing area lately, which is making me feel a lot better. It’s also such a wonderful feeling to know that my old anatomy is gone and that no one can ever take my new anatomy away from me. The permanence of this is comforting to me. I also stood in front of the full length mirror for a moment while mom was out on a walk, and it was so nice to see myself so much more complete than I’d ever seen before.

My emotions have also been up and down quite a bit, but the deepest lows aren’t even about things people would typically expect. Honestly the biggest disappointment for me is just the fact that no one got me any flowers. Its hard to face the fact, but I probably never will, either. At least someone on twitter sent me an emojii bouquet. I suppose that’ll just have to do. At least other trans women understand.

Spending the past week with my Mom has been nice. We haven’t really spent enough time alone together since I transitioned. I am still heartbroken about being away from my spouse, child, home, and friends for so long, and I know Mom has to be bored out of her mind. But it’s still nice to spend some time with her.

It also feels like its been so much longer than it really has – it seriously feels like months – especially with how erratic/off schedule my sleeping has been. And the pain meds make everything weird too. Even now that I’ve switched to mostly tylenol instead of viccoden, im still having weird little hallucinations of things moving that shouldn’t be.

Anyway, Today is Thursday, which means that tomorrow should be my last appointment before we head back home to CNY. It still kills me that I haven’t been able to spend much time walking around or meeting people – especially now that I’m finally so close to SEVERAL other trans ladies for the first time in my life. The people across the hall did reach out the other day though, and we did get to spend a few hours hanging out with them, which was really nice. Kat and Freya are a wonderful couple who both serve in the military. We had fancy pizza together in their room and Freya let me lay in her place on the bed next to Kat since it would otherwise have been very difficult to hang out together at all, being so immobilized.

And I think that about covers everything for now. Hopefully I’ll have more energy next week and actually do something productive -Assuming nothing horrible happens that keeps me from going home, which of course is what’s on my mind now.  

4/3/2021

Not really in the mood to write much today, but I do want to say a few quick things. #1 -im home, safe and sound!!! It's so wonderful to be back home at our peaceful little oasis with my family. #2 - my new vagina actually looks freaking amazing today!!!! It's so cool to see the surgeon's work come together like this! I mean... She's pretty much the best in the world...her reputation is fantastic, and I wasn't exactly worried about her skills as a surgeon, but WOW, what a difference a few more days made. Even hearing the experiences of her past patients, I'm totally blown away by how things are turning out. #3 I'm still quite bummed about my reduced hormones, particularly pausing my progesterone, but as much as it hurts, this surgeon seriously knows what she's doing, and I don't want heart attacks, blood clots, or strokes, or to lose access to my medication altogether, so I'm going to keep doing exactly what she says. Also, I actually do seem to be doing pretty decent mentally/emotionally, so I think getting rid of those awful testosterone producing bits balances everything out enough. Overall, I feel absolutely amazing, at peace, and even powerful. It's a very good feeling... #4 Happy Easter!!!! WOW!!! Its already a major holiday!!! 🐣✌️ #5 - Look!!! Spouse had beautiful flowers waiting for me at home 🥰 

4/8/2021

I'm still improving physically but tomorrow should be my last day spent almost entirely on my back. I'm also totally off my pain meds. Compared to how I felt in the hospital, the remaining pain is just so trivial, its almost funny. The viccoden was also giving me digestive issues and needed to stop anyway, but I don't need the tylenol anymore either. Though the #2 dilator ...is NOT cool. It's frustrating how quickly I'm tired out by walking such short distances, and I'm not really ready to get back to work Monday, even if it is just working from home on a laptop.

Mentally I'm incredible. My mind has never been so quiet, and it's so freakin nice. Meditation is suddenly so much easier, and so I've been doing a lot of that lately. I'm still irritated by things like the bit of hair that still grows on my face if I leave it alone too long, but so far nothing really bothers me as much as it used to. It is SO quiet. I'm actually at peace with myself, which is something I never really thought was achievable.

I certainly haven't been lying here with a smile on my face or anything though, at least not for that long... the external things going on in the world are still making me miserable and absolutely furious, namely the stripping away of healthcare for so many trans youths in our country. And I'm still angry about having to fight with people I grew up with ON trans day of visibility, WHILE lying in pain on a bed in PA about children not deserving torture truly worse than death.... And so i've continued to be vocal on that, and wrote a few letters and such, But internally i've still never been more at peace. It's hard to describe how so many horrible things can be upsetting me so much, while simultaneously i'm in such a better place, but that's how it is.

And now that I'm approaching the point where I can actually somewhat function again, i've already used up all my scheduled time off, and have to start working from home on Monday. Practically no one is honestly thrilled to go back to work, no matter what they say out loud, and the same is true for me. I'm just so disappointed that “all” i've achieved over the past three weeks was recovering.... Obviously I know how difficult, involved, and crucial recovering was, but at the same time there's more I want to do with my life than I'm able to with all the hours I have to work. And I know its the same way for pretty much everyone else too, but it's wrong, and there must be a way around it. I'm finally content with myself, but I'm FAR from content with the world around me. I am very grateful for the time I've had to meditate and work on spiritual development though. I have an infinite way to go, but at least I know I'm going in the right direction. Perhaps its time to start a different journal.

4/12/2021

So I did it...back to work in under 3 weeks post op (wfh).... though based on everyone else I'm starting to worry I might just be a stupid.... 😕. It did go well though. At first I wasn't actually sure I'd make it through the whole day, but once I got back into it all was fine. If it were more stressful, it might've been different, with how much stress affects me physically, but my boss did pick out a pretty reasonable task to focus on.  He is a good boss.

I still want to get more into art, but I'm having such a hard time figuring out how exactly to do that. By the time I finish work for the day, all my ambition is spent. It's frustrating. I do have my therapist back for a little bit since the surgeon told me I needed to schedule an appointment with her after surgery -maybe she has some advice.

I know the surgeon's intent is to have someone make sure I'm not suffering from post-op depression, but that is definitely not the case. As far as the surgery goes, I just feel really great and relieved that everything went so well. I was so worried that something horrible would happen, but so far it's just... perfect. A part of me is always going to be a little anxious, but I'm aware it's irrational, and it's not that strong a feeling right now anyway.

And I think that's it for now. Another super short, low effort entry, but doing these make me feel good. 

 4/30/21

Sometimes being trans feels an awful lot like the hunger games.... It's like we're all stuck in this sick torture game to the disgusting amusement of others, while so many of us never even make it out alive. Sometimes the occasional trans person will reach the nirvana of lasting gender euphoria, but so many always seem to be doomed to this short life of hellish torture beyond the comprehension (and perception) of average people. I've been meeting a lot of other trans people lately, both online and in person. And already some of these people who I have personally connected with and care about are dead, missing, or victims of the most cruel ongoing abuse ever conceived... FAR past the point that would have ended me. ….

I personally am incredibly fortunate, but my heart aches so much for many of the others I've met (and sometimes lost). And it scares me that the more trans people I befriend, the more friends I'm likely to face obituaries for....

I really am truly fortunate. Not just to still be here, but to have escaped that prison that one cannot see or taste or touch (yes the Matrix was written and directed by trans women). The internal peace with myself that I've discovered through transitioning and recently gender confirmation surgery is absolutely incredible and liberating, but not everyone is nearly so privileged. My surgery cost me a TON of money. And I'm STILL fighting insurance to cover ANY of it. Even after they “approved” my coverage only two weeks before the surgery, they still haven't helped financially whatsoever (In fact, I'm still getting hospital bills in the mail). To get this surgery requires one to overcome obstacles that are simply astronomical for people of different financial situations. Where one is born or lives is also a huge factor in how events unfold, as well as the openness and supportiveness of one's family and community, the current political climate, who's holding public office, the fine details of one's employment benefits at any given time, and so many other otherwise seemingly trivial variables. Things could have so easily gone the wrong way for me. If I wasn't carried through miracle after miracle, I very well could have been long dead by now.

This was my first week commuting back to work, and it really was physically challenging, but overall I think it went well. It also took a couple days to mentally adjust to being back in an office after spending the past 5 weeks mostly in bed. My spouse has also been suffering from back problems the past few days and both of our two vehicles have significant issues right now, which makes things even more difficult. Honestly today is actually the first day I've really felt any actual stress since the surgery though. Yes we have some problems going on that need to be addressed, but next to the obstacles I've already overcome, everything else just feels so freakin trivial.

On my first trip back to work I was quickly approached at the gas station by a creepy dude with a puppy and within a minute he set off pretty much every red flag I can think of, but I quickly locked myself in my car and spoke to him through the window, only slightly cracked open. It may have been nothing [it wasn't!! He saw that I was weak woman barely able walk and Ran at me!!! 🤦‍♀️] , but he failed every trustworthiness test I gave him, and was weirdly persistent in trying to hand me some money, but at the same time I didn’t want to fail to help someone who really needed it. It was a really interesting moment though. I was in a particularly vulnerable physical state, so if his intentions were malicious [looking back, duh, obviously malicious! That was a seriously bad, dangerous situation!!] and he saw an opening, I would have been done for. It was a little scary, but honestly still nothing next to pre-surgery insurance/finance issues. It was really interesting to be in a potentially threatening situation and still not really feel much of any stress about it though.

I don’t really like pickles that much anymore, now that I’m off the spiro, which is funny to me. My tastes in general have gone through quite a shift since I woke back up. I have been craving sugar and sweets a lot though, but I’m not sure if that’s just due to the need for recovery calories or not. I’ve also been listening to this epic/dramatic classical/videogame mashup music lately, rather than just my medieval Irish station, and that’s fun too.

I also did a lot of reading and taking personal research notes after work from home hours were up and over the weekend – I read several books on demonology and started a handful of other really interesting books (mostly of a religious nature, but also one about ADHD, as our child has been exhibiting some definite signs).

I also got a bunch more flowers from various visitors who wanted to stop in and check on my recovery, which was really nice and special to me. So altogether I got beautiful, wonderfully scented flowers from my spouse, my brother, my Aunt and my mother in law. I’m so freaking fortunate, and feel so loved.

And the blue dilator is my friend now. It’s no longer the largest, but it’s not the smallest either. But it’s also the only one that feels really good. Mandatory dilating every few hours is definitely an inconvenience for scheduling and productivity, but at the same time it’s only for half an hour at a time, four times a day, and guarantees me at least 2 total hours of mental rest each day. In addition to preserving my new parts and developing function, it’s turned into an avenue for spiritual development, which is good. Back at the recovery house in PA I was watching star trek voyager during dilating, but now that I generally don’t have an available television in front of me, I’ve had fewer but even more beneficial options to choose from. Dilating also doesn’t really hurt anymore so its easier to focus on other things during that time. 

5/15/2021

“Poke the clitoris at least once a day” were the doctors orders from Monday's 6wk post-op follow-up...

Monday's appointment seemed to be going well at first, but then they pointed out the fact that some areas were unusually bumpy, and then burned the bumps away with what I believe was silver nitrate. Then after inspecting my clitoris, they brought out the needles, scalpel, scissors and stitches....... Apparently my reluctance to touch my clitoris so soon after surgery was NOT the right thing to do, as it had started to fuse to the surrounding wall. And so the surgeon had to do a surprise clitoral hood revision surgery on me. It hurt quite a bit after the lidocane wore off but overall seemed to go okay. Until a couple days later anyway when I woke up to a lot of blood and a lot of pain, and ended up working from home for the rest of the week. Otherwise things are going really well recovery-wise though. And the parts do work... twice while awake so far (and two more times in my sleep). I've even moved up to the Orange #4 dilator, which is freaking enormous. My parts also look absolutely perfect. In a couple more weeks, the average person will never even be able to tell I wasn't born with a vagina. Even the incisions are well faded. It's simply mind blowing.

Another thing that's mind blowing is how freed up my mind has felt since surgery. It's like I cleared up like 99% of my ram from doing this (computer analogy). In the past, my thought processes essentially had to cycle through how horrifically uncomfortable my status of existing was, every second of the day. Now though, all that extra discomfort, drawing my constant attention is just gone. I can't get over how amazing that is. And with all this extra space I feel like I've unlocked this incredible processing super power. I've managed to accomplish quite a bit both at home and at work that I don't think I would have actually been capable of pre-surgery. I still get burnt out easily for sure, but its like I can over-clock myself to reach such a totally different level than before, and it amazes me how much less effort it takes to understand complicated things or to balance such large amounts of scattered information and make use of it (as long as I'm entertained anyway). On the somewhat down side (depending on your point of view I suppose), I have noticed that it is far easier to get distracted however. All these beautiful little things and thoughts are sounding every moment and its hard not to just stop and constantly appreciate things or better things, or go off on mental tangents, or day-dream, or totally switch focus altogether. Also why waste time on something dull when there's so much else to do or think about... And its actually gotten kind of difficult to stay on track sometimes with work lately. Back before transitioning, I thought that playing music while working was just the dumbest thing ever. I found it to be highly distracting and a threat to efficiency or progress on tasks. But now that I'm happy, and feel like a real, living person, and have all this extra space, it's actually ridiculously difficult sometimes to work without music to take up that space or keep me entertained enough to keep going through something more boring or tedious. I've also noticed that it's way easier to just feel grateful about the good things in life. Before I could hardly see the good things at all, and hardly even knew why I even bothered to keep living while the bad so out-weighted the good. Anyway, its like my entire reality has so dramatically shifted this time that I don't just feel like a new person, but my whole existence is different – my strengths and weaknesses, and how my mind works and how I perceive the universe around me is just so different. But it's different in all the best ways and I really wish it was always like this. I feel grievously wronged for having to go so long without this.

At the same time it also kind of feels like I just plain re-incarnated, just without dying this time. I have all the memories of that past hellish life, but nothing about that person is me today, physically, mentally, or even spiritually. It's like I inherited a random dead person's career and history, and never really got to choose anything for myself. I'm glad they managed to do a few things right – I love my spouse and child, and I love our relationship together, but it's freaking weird to me that there's all these old pictures where they were basically with someone else. Relationship-wise its like my former self was their ex, and even they seem to feel that way too. When I see old pictures of myself, I don't feel the same connection I feel with pictures of myself today. They simply do not feel like pictures of me at all, even though I remember being there when the picture was taken. It's weird, but I suppose it makes sense... whenever I looked in the mirror growing up, my reflection ALWAYS looked like a stranger.

Thinking back.. growing up, even though a part of me knew I wasn't really supposed to be a boy, seeing my reflection was always a profoundly strange and confusing experience. It's something that a lot of other trans people mention, but I don't think other people will ever really have any idea what we truly mean by it. I would sometimes just stare at myself in the mirror for long periods of time trying to understand what was going on, not even knowing what about it was so confusing. I always wondered who the heck the person in the mirror even was. I always knew something about the mirror was horrifying but I couldn't quite make the connection that it was from being trans. Instead I half expected my reflection to attack me or something (eventually, sometimes it did, actually). It's such a difficult feeling to explain though, knowing in your soul that something is so off but not being able to explain why, even though you know it should be obvious. Nowadays, I just see my reflection and photos of myself and go “yes, this is obviously me”, and so I can see the difference, but before I couldn't do that, and instead just felt fear and confusion.

Despite initially insisting that I stay off progesterone for a full 6 months after surgery, the surgeon's office already cleared me to resume my original dose of progesterone, which I am absolutely overjoyed about. It's only been a few days, but back on both progesterone and the full dosage of estrogen, I feel incredible, well-rested, and unstoppable. And my dreams are finally getting back to where they should be too.

My spouse is deeply depressed still, as they've been their entire life, despite being more open about their identity this past year, and so that is obviously worrisome and upsetting to me. I'm hoping we can find them some good help really soon. I finally got the help I needed two years ago and completely turned my own life around, and I want more than anything for them to finally feel the peace I feel now. Their own situation is even more unique than mine and it's so difficult to know what to do.  

 6/13/2021

I've been on this insane journey of self discovery, and I honestly don't know who ill be in a few weeks from now, let alone in a few years. But I feel so strongly that i'm on the right path, and it brings me so much joy to finally be meeting my true self little by little. I'm learning so much every day and even the way I perceive the world around me is evolving drastically.

My last entry was about a month ago, and overall I was doing pretty well at the time. At that post-op follow-up appointment however, I urged the doctor to let me start taking progesterone again, and they conceded…. And Wow, did I paid the price for resisting the doctor’s initial advice….

I don’t regret my choices. After a few weeks I re-adapted to my new hormone levels and dramatically heightened emotions, climbing back to my path, but before I managed to do so, I fell especially hard and felt my whole world suddenly crumble around me as I faced what I perceived as truly devastating challenges. Insurance reverted back to refusing to cover any of my surgery expenses, pointing to fine print and claiming that the $30K I spent on surgery exceeded some secret “allowable amount” negating my $10K out of pocket maximum. Essentially they said that they felt my surgery only should have cost $4K (which was truly absurd) and so that’s what they “covered” but only applied it to my deductible, which was higher than that, so they didn’t actually have to pay for anything at all… And then they told me the hospital charged $250,000.000 for room and board, which they also did not want to cover…. And even more stressful problems with my projects at work occurred, and I feel like I almost lost my mind. I didn’t have the strength to write an entry at the time, but I did write a few words down, expressing a sliver of how I felt:

5/27/2021: “I’m spiraling into an abyss and I don’t know if I can save myself…. Maybe I can’t handle the progesterone after-all. It turns out it’s all still here…ALL of it.. Dysphoria, anxiety, suicidal thoughts… it feels like the world’s collapsing. I’m trying so hard to convince myself it’s not, but then again… it fucking is.. On the plus side I do feel human again and firmly in this reality. It just feels like I’ve been dropped into a horrible alternate universe. Just as everything finally seemed clear, it’s like some a**hole pulled a lever and my plate filled back up with a long list of hellish tortures which I do not consent to.”

Like I said though, over a few weeks, I got used to having intense emotions again, and I realized the problems at hand are nothing compared to the problems I’ve already overcome. Things aren’t totally resolved yet, but I’m fighting back, and am making progress. I’m doing okay.

There’s a cheesy thing some people have always liked to say – that one’s body is a temple. Until now, I never actually realized it was true. Growing up I never planned on lasting this long, and I treated my body like garbage. And that’s because I thought it was…. It was my prison, and I just wanted to destroy it. But over the past few years I discovered that it was never meant to stay that way. I’ve now completely transformed this body into something else, and can actually see the temple it was meant to be. It really CAN be a comfortable little home for my soul. But there’s still some significant lingering damage to address. My bleeding issues and my teeth being at the present forefront (It turns out I’m far from alone in this too – poor treatment of the body and planning for a very short lifespan seems to be really common for trans people, which is sad and unfortunate). Fortunately however, the immediate path forward from here for me is clear. Coinciding perfectly with my spiritual goals and the timing of my surgery, the steps I’m taking now to improve my physical health have serious potential to simultaneously assist with many other aspects of my life as well, like putting together a well planned puzzle.

I’m doing a lot of reflecting/introspection lately – on my past choices, on the events of the past few years, on what I’ve learned so far, and on the nature of magic, religion, and the universe. I know I’m on the right path for me, and I’m excited to learn where all this is leading me next.

 6/18/2021

Progesterone does a lot of really great things. Great boobs, incredible dreams, a whole universe of emotions... But it's been really hard to put to words exactly why I couldn't bear to be without it once I had started, especially considering the amplification it has on stress. The answer isn't just the intense flow of emotions, bringing a deeper meaning to every second of existence, although that is part of it. There's at least one emotion that it really seems to help drive away -probably the most destructive emotion there is.. Despite the perceived turbulence all around me, it's easier to find peace in myself without the drive to compete or constantly compare myself to other people, and to just feel happy for other people's successes without the contamination of jealousy. I think jealousy is behind most of the problems of this word. Without it there would be more compassion and everyone might actually take care of each other instead of striving to be 'better' than others, or smarter, or more powerful, or more wealthy. And maybe it's not just the progesterone, but it certainly seems to help me personally to be a better, happier, more compassionate, more true human being. Maybe everyone needs something like this. It would be such a different world if everyone had their progesterone.

I often call myself stupid, or say other really mean things about myself. I don't always believe them, but sometimes I do. There are more than a few things about my life that i'm really unhappy with. I've made a lot of mistakes. Even though I'm learning from them, some mistakes have consequences that last forever, long after the lesson has been learned. That's part of the downside of progesterone, actually. When I do something wrong, it hurts so much more than it ever did before. I know I've always had impossibly high expectations for myself. I try to lower the bar sometimes, but I hate that doing so makes me feel like such a failure. Anyway those are my thoughts this morning. A bit of a mess, and not really any point to be made. I'm just trying to understand and sort out some of the many thoughts going through my head. There’s other things to do now though, so c-ya.

9/12/2021

I think this is going to be my last entry here. Transitioning itself is a long process that doesn’t exactly have a definitive beginning or end, but it’s not the center of my day to day life anymore. I’m very happy that I started this record of my journey, and I find it very beneficial to have and to reflect on, and even to share, but at this point I’m not at all the person I was when I started. I’m still on an exciting journey of self discovery, but I’m on a whole new chapter for myself that no longer fits with the rest of these pages. It’s only been six months since my surgery, but it already feels like a whole lifetime ago. So much has changed about the way I see both myself and the world around me.

To wrap this journal up… Transitionwise, I’m in a good place. I still have gender dysphoria, and I don’t expect that to ever change, but overall it honestly is down to a level I can live with. It’s mostly just a nuisance. In hindsight though, I really do wish I had managed to get electrolysis or something similar earlier transition. I feel like doing so definitely would have made some of the more difficult moments over the past few years much more bearable. But instead here I am, STILL fighting what’s left of my facial hair. I’m finally winning that war, but so much pain could have been totally avoided if I had handled things just a little differently.

Insurance did finally reimburse me for a shameful 1/6 the cost of my surgery. And thanks to fine print like “allowable amounts” and in vs. out of network rules, on top of astronomically high deductibles, I don’t see any path to improve upon that. I’m fortunate to have gotten any coverage at all. With how high insurance premiums are, it probably would have worked out better financially if I never had insurance to begin with, but that’s just typical American health care, unfortunately.

Growing up I always knew everything was horrendously wrong, and the strain kept me from experiencing life as a complete person. But now, with such a tremendous portion of the weight finally lifted, my whole world has expanded so much, and so many new paths are now open to me that I just couldn’t see before. And its more than just being present and able to enjoy everyday things, as great as those things are. Reflecting in peace on all that I’ve been through, transitioning has shown me that I have the power to completely transform my entire reality. It’s truly incredible what every single person is capable of, and trans people all around us are proof of that. Life can be so arduous and cruel, but the truth is we’re far from helpless, and I’m so proud of the woman I am today, and of how much I’ve overcome.

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Various "introductions" rewritten over and over and over throughout:

9/12/2021

I think this is going to be my last entry here. Transitioning itself is a long process that doesn’t exactly have a definitive beginning or end, but it’s not the center of my day to day life anymore. I’m very happy that I started this record of my journey, and I find it very beneficial to have and to reflect on, and even to share, but at this point I’m not at all the person I was when I started. I’m still on an exciting journey of self discovery, but I’m on a whole new chapter for myself that no longer fits with the rest of these pages. It’s only been six months since my surgery, but it already feels like a whole lifetime ago. So much has changed about the way I see both myself and the world around me.

To wrap this journal up… Transitionwise, I’m in a good place. I still have gender dysphoria, and I don’t expect that to ever change, but overall it honestly is down to a level I can live with. It’s mostly just a nuisance. In hindsight though, I really do wish I had managed to get electrolysis or something similar earlier transition. I feel like doing so definitely would have made some of the more difficult moments over the past few years much more bearable. But instead here I am, STILL fighting what’s left of my facial hair. I’m finally winning that war, but so much pain could have been totally avoided if I had handled things just a little differently.

Insurance did finally reimburse me for a shameful 1/6 the cost of my surgery. And thanks to fine print like “allowable amounts” and in vs. out of network rules, on top of astronomically high deductibles, I don’t see any path to improve upon that. I’m fortunate to have gotten any coverage at all. With how high insurance premiums are, it probably would have worked out better financially if I never had insurance to begin with, but that’s just typical American health care, unfortunately.

Growing up I always knew everything was horrendously wrong, and the strain kept me from experiencing life as a complete person. But now, with such a tremendous portion of the weight finally lifted, my whole world has expanded so much, and so many new paths are now open to me that I just couldn’t see before. And its more than just being present and able to enjoy everyday things, as great as those things are. Reflecting in peace on all that I’ve been through, transitioning has shown me that I have the power to completely transform my entire reality. It’s truly incredible what every single person is capable of, and trans people all around us are proof of that. Life can be so arduous and cruel, but the truth is we’re far from helpless, and I’m so proud of the woman I am today, and of how much I’ve overcome.

Old intro (4/8/2021)

I know I've updated my intro a few times and each time basically just left all the old intros sitting there, piled up after, but all those past little intros are still pieces of my journey that I think are worth preserving. So much of me was suppressed, even years after I started my slow transition using herbal estrogens (since upgraded to formal HRT), and I've grown so much, and I'm STILL discovering more and more about who I am. And there were so many dramatically lifechanging events along the way, each helping me to evolve into such a more complete and happy human being. I feel like my earlier entries were kind of like an over concealed cry for help, validation, and a desperate reach for contact with someone, anyone else remotely like me. I knew deep down my whole life that I wasn't the boy my parent's thought they had, but growing up in a rural, conservative area, it wasn't until the past two years that I really had ANY contact with other trans women. It was a truly rough, confusing, lonely journey for almost 30 years, but eventually I still managed to figure things out and find profound happiness and community. Today, I'm updating this introductory entry less than 3 weeks after my gender confirmation surgery, yet another deeply life altering event that even more than any other has brought me a great sense of internal peace and joy. I occasionally look back on these entries to remind myself how far I've come, and to use as a source of strength and resolve for the future. And I keep this accessible to others, despite the extremely personal and unfiltered nature because I know how much the stories of others helped me in the past, especially at those turning points where I finally started to do something about my misery. I know I can't totally stop people that don't belong here from reading, and I know this probably won't reach a ton of people, but I think both of those might actually be good things. To anyone with malicious intent or feelings towards me or others like me, I hope this vulnerable journal will do nothing but show my humanity, and help you to understand just a little bit better and to grow and be better. And to those trans or questioning, or other LGBTQIA+ visitors, i love and welcome you, and hope with all my heart that you find whatever it is you need, and that I can be of some help on your journey.

Older Intro (5/31/2020)

Hi there! In less than one week from today, it will be my 1 year HRT anniversary!!!! So much has changed since I made the decision to start taking herbal estrogens six years ago, but most of the changes have happened in just the past year. Since I started taking prescription hormones (male to female), my physical appearance has changed more drastically than ever, i've donated all my “guy” clothes, i'm accepted as a woman at work (and everywhere else in life), and I finally came out as transgender to sooooooooo many people in my life, among quite a plethora of so many other amazing things (many recorded here).

I started this journal for myself as well as for anyone else who might benefit from seeing a journey like this unfold. At first I didn't really know if anyone else would ever read any of this, but it turns out, there's actually quite a few of you, which is certainly a little intimidating. That said, I'm also so deeply honored to share this with you, and be a small part of your own journey through life.

I'm only one of a great many ladies who have walked this path. In keeping this little record of my own experiences, i've learned that there are so many others out there with such strikingly similar stories (although each is so very unique and personal at the same time). Whatever brought you here, I only hope to have been a little help -i love you all, and I hope for nothing but the best to all of you!!!

Even Older Intro:  12/29/2019

I’m a 29 y.o. trans woman.  It’s been 7 months since I started formal HRT (hormone replacement therapy). For almost 5 years before that I had been self medicating on herbal estrogens. Until recently, suicide was a constant on my mind. But now that I have nothing left to hide from anyone, including myself, I’m finally living openly as my authentic self (100% out as trans at work, church, family, friends, EVERYWHERE) and I’m far happier than I ever thought was possible. Transitioning so far has been quite an emotional journey, and I’m still discovering more about myself as life continues on.  Now that I’m free and have finally achieved some peace and clarity, I think it’s time to organize some of my chaotic journal entries into something a little easier to follow. I would also like to make room on this blog for other little projects, and so I’ve consolidated all my transition journal entries into this single post.

I also want to say a few things before anyone new stops by and decides to read my story:

When I started writing this online journal (and some of my more private handwritten journals) I still didn’t know who I was, and the self-progression is obvious entry to entry. I’ll probably never be super girly, but that doesn’t mean I’m not trans. It took me a long time to understand and accept that. [Update: yeah, even that changed eventually - i'm a girly girl now! Who knew!??]  I also finally ‘pass’ as female (well that’s what everyone says anyway), but the truth is I was NEVER a guy, even before HRT. When I started this journal, I didn’t think I even cared about pronouns. Now, that I finally learned to be honest with myself about how I actually feel, I cry into my pillow when friends/family accidently call me ‘he/him’.  So much has changed from only a year ago, and I suspect the same self doubt is something plaguing many other trans people early in their transition. If any such person is reading this – just be patient with yourself. Also, finding a good therapist helped me immensely. I’m only one person, but here’s my story. Perhaps there’s something here someone else can relate to or learn from.

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Runa's Journal Part II

4/15/2023 (1st Entry of Part 2) 

Like everything else, I’m always changing (hopefully for the better), but at this point my body is more or less in alignment with who I am. It’s far from perfect, and there’s many things I would change about it if I could, but it’s no longer foreign or excruciating like it was for most of my life. I also actually love myself, which would have been unthinkable to me a decade ago. Anyway, the point is, I don’t feel like I can add to my ‘transition’ journal anymore, but I do need to start writing my thoughts down again. Things are looking more bleak and desperate for trans people now than ever before in this lifetime, and I’m back to frequently feeling desperately hopeless and miserable and I’m hoping that writing will help me continue to function as it did for me in the past.

It seems like the whole world is uniting against us and eager to torture us into suicide, and it’s working. Much of the time it’s become so hard to sleep, relax, or have any hope that the future is worth enduring. I’ve already faced my greatest fears and accomplished my childhood dreams, and sometimes it feels like the best times have already come and gone. Since my recent trip to the Trans March at the US capitol, even the smallest things have started to crush me so bad it keeps feeling like there’s a little black hole tearing a cosmic void through my chest on a daily basis. The lack of any control over anything that’s happening right now makes me feel hopelessly useless. My intestines have also started to hurt again, though the breathing techniques I learned a couple years ago is helping to fight it.

I miss my therapist, especially right now, but therapy was extremely expensive, even when “covered” by our shamefully pitiful ‘health insurance’. I’m also ashamed to be back to such a low state after all the progress I’ve made over the past few years. I also don’t want anyone to wrongly blame this misery on transitioning, which really did introduce me to true happiness, self-love, and deeper self-understanding. It’s the people who don’t understand this who are make living so unbearable.

I met with one of my friends after work for tea this week, and I accidentally revealed my weakened emotional state when she surprised me with the latest news about how Missouri just effectively outlawed medical transition for essentially all trans people in Missouri (over the past few months they specifically targeted trans children, but this proves the intent to torture all of us throughout our entire lives). That news was the ultimate confirmation that the current anti-trans movement is as genocidal in nature as we all feared. So many more of us are about to either die or endure unfathomable torture, and sooner or later all our lives and families could be under immediate threat too. I’ve only known this friend for just over a year, but I really love and trust her, and I basically spilled out everything that I’ve been feeling lately, even though I told myself to just keep quiet and keep the negative energy to myself. I know life is especially difficult for all trans people right now, and being as personally lucky as I am, it just feels deeply selfish and shameful to burden any other trans people with my own weakness. She’s a really amazing person and a great friend though, and helped me feel a lot better. She reminded me about the strength of the next generation, and reminded me that GenZ will be the dominant force in the next election cycle, which if true, really is quite a beam of hope. True or not, hope is what I needed to hear in that moment.

I suspect that this friend told another dear friend about how I was feeling because today that friend also reached out to me with kindness and encouragement. Fortunately, just as the tiny negatives have been hurting more than they should, tiny positives are also having a more dramatic affect on me lately too. Even if she said nothing more than ‘hi’, that still would have been enough to make me feel better, at least for a little bit. Objectively, this exact experience, coupled with the loss of emotional regulation is something I've experienced before, especially when I first introduced my body to progesterone. Although these feelings have obvious justification in current events, I should also do better at taking my progesterone pills at regular intervals to reduce chemical amplification of these emotional challenges.

I also know I'm damn privileged and lucky for a trans girl. I even somehow managed to get bottom surgery 2 years ago, and then then a year later I found myself welcomed into an amazing local community of other trans people who for a few months I got to see almost weekly.  I’m blessed with loving friends, a new body, a feminine voice, a well paying job, ‘passing privilege’, a supportive mom, a loving spouse and a brilliant child… how is it that I’m the one who’s falling down here!? I have everything, why isn’t what I have enough right now?

Staying strong not for myself but for the young people is a notion that also helps– it adds purpose to what I’m going through. I’m also a mom, and my own child deserves to grow up with both his parents and he deserves the best possible world we can secure for him and the rest of his generation. I also want to be the best mom I can be, and to be there for him when he needs me. Hopelessness and helplessness make it so difficult to stay strong sometimes, but I’m going to keep fighting as long as I possibly can. It’s just so excruciating to keep going with no end to this hell in sight, and I’m tired of pretending to be okay while most of the world just blissfully ignores it all.

Two weeks ago, on Trans day of visibility, I went alone to Washington DC to join the trans march from Union Station to the Capitol building. Between the trip there and journey home, I spent about 14hours in the car even though I really hate driving, but I’m glad I went. It wasn’t by any means a pleasant trip, and the whole ride down I was thinking about how during the night before, the head of HR at work forbid me to tell my co-workers about trans day of visibility because it was ‘too political’ and “doing so would mean they’d have to let other people promote unapproved religious material at work”. I felt so deeply hurt and betrayed by how he worded this to me and it heavily influenced the sign I made that night to march with. And throughout the march itself I cried, overwhelmed by the significance of what so many of us were marching for, together from all across the country, small children included…. We shouldn’t have to be doing this…

Anyway, that trip made my soul ache more than ever, especially in one particular moment near the end, when one of the younger speakers apologized to the trans elders that everything they accomplished and fought so hard for their entire lives was destroyed. And then they thanked trans elders for "showing that its possible to be happy and live past 30". I felt as if I aged a thousand years in that few seconds.

In lieu of more reflection, here’s a few photos of the event (a couple of my own and a few from HRC’s website). Unfortunately, the news barely mentioned this deeply significant occasion, instead choosing to accuse us of being degenerate criminals, killers, and manifestations all other sorts of offensive depravity, focusing more on the cancellation of some other, smaller trans protest that wasn’t even on the same day. I suppose I should have expected as much. 

 

 

[Associated Press video POV Link] 

 

I'm reluctant to admit suicidal thoughts publicly, but I think its important for us to keep a record of what's going on and how it personally affects us when we can, especially in case the monsters attacking us succeed in their stated mission to 'exterminate us from public life entirely'. I don't want everything we're going through to be simply forgotten.

I also want to make it clear that posting this is NOT a cry for help - I do have a good support system, and the friends I mentioned in this journal entry are good, supportive friends. I also find meaning and a path to personal growth through this journey, even now, after what I would call my "transition" stage is complete. Writing my thoughts and feelings down helps me to cope with difficulty, and like I said, I feel it's important that such experiences are preserved. This is only my first entry in "part II" and it's certainly not my goal for it to be my last.

5/27/2023 

Yes, there has been wave after wave after wave of cruel anti-trans legislation in the United States lately, and yes it has caused a resurgence of suicidal thoughts, but as my deceased Grandmother said to me in a dream last week as she gave me a huge hug, "Everything is going to be okay". Real or not, I believe her.

Present Difficulties:

Even from my privileged view of the situation from Upstate New York (currently one of the safest places in the world for a transgender person to live), the past few weeks have continued to be deeply challenging emotionally. The healthcare that has finally brought me peace and made my life livable is being stripped from entire regions of this country, and the horror of the psychological torture from forced de-transition is far beyond any articulation. I've been overwhelmed with grief and sympathy over this for many weeks now, but the cruelty continues to spread across more and more regions of this country, and it often feels like only a matter of time before this plague tears through more protected areas like my own home. 

As millions of ignorant masses cheer for the torture and persecution of our kind at the epicenters of these attacks (like Texas, Florida, and Tennessee), the shockwave of increased anti-trans harassment already encompasses the entire globe. Even here in New York, I've seen a noticeable increase in harassment against trans people, including those I know personally. Just the other day, hundreds of anti-trans aggressors descended on my friend's profile picture on facebook and bombarded him with hundreds of gross anti-trans images and explicitly stated their intent to cause suicide - A class E felony. Despite the criminal nature of this attack, Facebook quickly deemed that the harassment wasn't even in violation of  their community standards. Shortly after that Incident, I also learned that these attacks have become the norm, affecting thousands of other trans people, regardless of location. I know I'm very fortunate to benefit from at least some degree of 'passing privilege' (thus being spared the worst of this abuse), and to be located where I am, but I also care deeply about other people like me and I know that we can't rely on others to defend us. Transgender people are a minority and if we don't fight back together with everything we've got, the hate, violence, and ignorance armed against us will only continue to grow and destroy our people. And the damage already done in these other states directly affects all of us, and not just through increased harassment. Florida passing anti-trans bathroom laws and legalized kidnapping of trans-supportive families for example makes it too dangerous to even risk taking my own child to Disneyland or visiting our family members in Florida. In fact, given the horrible things some of my family members have said about trans people, it would be a huge risk leaving our child alone with anyone even though he isn't even trans!

 

Persevering:

The ever rising waves of horrible events sometimes take me down, but I am still here, I have never fully given up, and there is always hope. Just this morning there was news of some of the recent anti-trans legislation actually being defeated in court, which could potentially restore access to trans medicine in many areas where it was just taken away. 

I've also just successfully overcome a month and a half-long return of suicidal ideation followed by a  gradual shift into intense rage, even though anger is something I endeavored to purge completely in my childhood and have only seldom faced since. Since I now understand my transgender experience to be a crucial aspect of my own personal journey of spiritual realization, I turned primarily to meditation to get through these difficulties and scheduled some time in a local sensory deprivation tank to get to work on my healing as soon as I was able. For much of the past month, I simply drowned out my self-destructive internal dialogue with Tibetan mantras like 'Om Mani Padme Hum', which actually worked surprisingly well. At the same time, I started introducing myself to Tantric philosophy in a series of short books like "The Lotus Song" by Bryan Phillips (about the aforementioned mantra) and "Teachings and Practice of Tibetan Tantra" by Garma C. Chang. The readings served well to distract myself while simultaneously providing some useful insight and relevant guidance for this leg of my personal journey, even if the correlations aren't particularly obvious. Even though I frequently held my middle finger to the sky in protest to my guides and higher self for not making things easier for me,  audibly proclaiming my rejection/non-consent to any such trials on multiple occasions, I do find great value in what I've learned as a result of my experiences and the mental and spiritual connections I've been able to make. Regarding the readings, from what I understand so far, Tantrism and Buddhism in general is largely a rejection of this life and the self in favor of pursuing enlightenment through meditative technique, which is a concept I have difficulty reconciling with the journey of transition, which is essentially the discovery and acceptance of one's true self. You could possibly go so far as to say one is the antithesis of the other, though many esoteric philosophies including Kabbalism, Hermeticism, and even Tantrism itself all postulate that true opposites are actually one in the same; inherrently linked as two inseparable poles (duality), and that the key to mastering either is to seek the perfect balance between the two poles like turning a slider to the middle setting. In any case, I find the Tantric ideas I encountered on compassion, resonance with the universal pulse, access to other realms, unification of masculine and feminine energies, and manipulation of the subtle body/subtle energies including tig le, Nadis, and Cakras (/Chakras) extremely intriguing and useful. I've also picked up a few other books, like "Shambhala, The Sacred path of the Warrior", "Sound Medicine", and "Women of Myth" that I feel may also hold more of the keys I've been seeking to life's mysteries, and I look forward to the future where I've continued to grow in understanding.

[5/2023-11/2024 Normal Life, Recovery, Rest...]

 11/24/2024

It’s been almost 3 weeks since the election. And Trump is back. The moment I woke up that morning, I immediately checked my phone. Seeing that the worst had happened, I jumped out of bed and instead of going to work, I filled out a new passport application and drove to the county clerk’s office. My passport applications had been denied during Trump’s previous presidency for my gender corrections (costing me far too much money). Only 2 months ago, I only had a mere $200 in my bank account (for my entire family of 3). My expedited passport application cost me $190. I also called planned parenthood to get my HRT prescription renewed right away so I would at least have 3 months of estrogen on hand in January. I did some research on the latest diy HRT to help myself feel a little more secure in my control over my own body for when Trump actually does take office in a few more weeks. Unfortunately all the bitcoin apps on the android marketplace require you to photograph your ID to help them track you, and if I’m arrested during a republican presidency, I’ll probably go to a men’s prison to be raped multiple times a day until I die. I stopped eating and drinking for a few days, and then for about a week I ate and drank only dinner (only because my spouse noticed & pinned me down & tried to force me to eat & drink). I still went to work, and somehow got my work done, even though I had practically no ability to focus. I also got weaker, and dizzier, and my throat dried up. My heart-rate was beating so fast every night I couldn’t sleep at first (which is saying a lot because even when upset I can usually fall asleep within seconds). Right now I’m taking motherswort to help with that. I also noticed a gross resurgence of anti-trans hate speech online, even from people I know and have talked to about trans issues in the past, which really broke my heart. And I noticed how other trans people were doing… and it wasn’t any better than myself. We all have PSTD, and a good portion of it is from Trump’s last presidency -every day, waking up in the morning to see if we’ve been stripped of our marriage, identity, life saving medications, discrimination protections, ect…. In fact, it’s already begun again. Just a day or two ago, which already feels like months, I woke up learning that trans people are no longer allowed to use the appropriate gender restrooms at the US capital. There’s also been recent news of $10,000 bounties for catching innocent trans people simply trying to use the restroom in certain regions of the US. At least one trans person I know went to their work so high after the election I’m honestly impressed, and they are STILL high to this day.

And then I started seeing my friends. I tried my best to keep my poor reaction to the news to myself, but somehow I started to keep seeing my trans friends anyway... at meal times even. A surprise diner-sleepover at my house, lunch, another unexpected sleepover, the Trans Day of Remembrance Ceremony, trans hangouts, and dinner in town…. And I was not about to starve myself in front of my trans friends, whom I look up to and admire and want to be strong with together…. So I ate, and drank, and here I am today, a little bit thinner and weakened, but stable, and eating regularly again.

I’ve also noticed an unexpected strong resurgence of trans community efforts lately, which is heartwarming. The local trans support group has been practically dead for about a year now, but the discord server is back up and active, and we’re all meeting in person tonight. The Trans day of Remembrance ceremony speakers also put noticeable effort into motivating us all to stay alive and fight, which I appreciate. It also helped me a lot, though I kept my tears inside this year. And the old trans twitter community is suddenly back and thriving again in a new home, called BlueSky, as the wasteland that broken trilionaire Elon (just to get back at his transgender daughter) crumbles behind. That also warms my heart. And I have very good friends. And I am so deeply honored to exist at this point in time, as a transgender woman, fighting beside those dear, extraordinary friends.

And that resurgence of hate speech I mentioned.. I understand the psychological danger for a clinically depressed transexual such as myself, but I ventured into the comments sections on social media anyway, and I lost count of all the comments from bigots encouraging us to “41% ourselves” (a disgusting arrogant cry of victory as they tell us to end our own lives, in reference to the 41% trans suicide statistic). And among those, there were also a few guns and graphics representing dead/murdered trans people at the hands of these vile modern nazis. In the past, I never gave those monstrous calls much thought when I’ve contemplated suicide, but this time, they actually motivated me to want to stay alive and fight. My death really IS what these demons want. My end by my own hands, may feel like a logical choice in the moment, bringing some brief attention to the general apathetic cisgender public, but the silencing of my voice only helps those trying to destroy my friends and my community, and that is exactly what they are trying to do. I am beyond tired, but I finally love myself with all my being. My sorrow has depleted my fear of death, but I can’t keep letting it deplete my voice, and my purpose. I belong here, and so do all the other transgender souls on this planet.

I have wavering faith in my ability to stay strong through the next few months, let alone years, back here in hell, but I am determined to give it my best. The Biden years weren’t good for us, but they did let me rest briefly in hope for the first time in my life (though through that time Biden enabled the violent genocide of a different oppressed community in Palestine, while the rest of us watched in horror through our phone screens). And I probably shouldn’t have rested so deep, because here we are, outnumbered by the hateful, and the ignorant, and the hateful-ignorant once again, seething venom from their fangs, thirsty for our own blood yet again. I’m just a harmless, engineering nerd/goat-farmer. All I want is peace, and quiet, and the freedom to rest, and read my books, and grow old as myself. That’s all any of us want. And they relentlessly deny us that, and that makes me so angry. Why should I have to live a warrior? Why should any of us? This is a story I should be reading, not be in! At least for now, though, I’m going to keep going. No one’s gonna be gloating and celebrating over my corpse if I can help it. 

1/20/2025

Reading about the anti trans executive order today, physically feeling what has just happened.. my vision is shaking, ears pounding, the stabbing pain in my gut.. I can't do this again. 

I really can't. I keep telling myself I can, and I keep believing it for a little while, but simply continuing to live is taking more and more strength than I have. I'm going to go as long as I can... but I'm too old for this. I'm not strong like I pretend to be. I'm not strong like my friends. When the inevitable happens, toss my runestone into the pond, plant a tree over my remains, and remember me as "RunaMorgen". and please forgive me.

1/20/2025

I'll be fine. I don't write or speak about it much, but I do have working methods to keep myself on this side of the ground when depressed or in despair. I don't want anyone who reads this to ever worry about me; that's not the purpose of this journal. Writing here in itself is one example. Writing an entry here is proof that I'm doing something to handle my emotions. I also have a defense personality that takes over when the other side of me can no longer function. I also have physical/chemical methods of controlling my emotions, and I have a very very good support system. I just want my experiences, including this one, however difficult, to be a part of this record of my life as a trans woman in this time. We also never know which moment will be our last.

1/29/2025

I am in hell. All hope for the future is shattered and the Nazis have taken control of everything. Nothing makes sense anymore, every day is marked by another violent, disgusting, extreme, unbearable anti trans executive order with pages and pages of human rights that have been stripped away at the whim of a tyrant. They're treating us all as criminals and the torture has already begun. This year is undoubtedly my last. And the last of many good, beautiful people. I'm just trying to make peace with the inevitable so I can fulfill whatever tiny fucking purpose I have left. The only thing left to look forward to is testifying at the pearly gates against nearly every single person I know for their unforgivable silence and complicity in these endless atrocities. In the afterlife I will put them all on the spite myself and roast them all in hellfire that their souls will never return to harm anyone again. Humanity be damned. May they all be cursed with the same torment and humiliation they shower upon us. God this such a tragedy. 

I never thought I'd let them turn me into a monster too... but the true colors of humanity is that of such pure cruelty... God this is such a tragedy. Someone please save us. But I know no one is coming, besides the god damned Nazis. Fuck.

1/31/2025

Whatever the cause of death, don't you dare let them get away with hiding my name 'for the sake of the family' or anything like that. When it's my turn I want the last sentences of my story put right here where they belong, no exceptions. 

I'm still drowning. Still grieving. I had finally found my peace for just a moment before the unimaginable happened. I've been able to feign strength for small periods of time since then. But every few hours I break down completely. And Every second, every action, every thought feels so important, so deeply significant. One of my dearest friends drew me an encouraging picture last night. I laid on the couch with her, cried into her shoulder, played my favorite game with her and my family... I shared a chocolate pudding cup with another dear friend over lunch today... I told my coworker why I wasn't at work yesterday and he gave me a piece of chocolate...I suddenly stopped working and cried hysterically at my desk every day I was in the office this week.... I deleted 15years of Facebook photos and posts because I'm afraid of people using them against me... A friend offered me shelter when the Nazis come for us... A local trans person was found dead this week hanging from a building wrapped in a trans flag next to where another dear friend of mine goes to work... Most of my coworkers including my boss look at me like I'm crazy and keep telling me I'm overreacting... I'm halfway through reading the guide by Dr. Boudewijn Chabot on dying with dignity... I just had amazing sex a few hours ago with my husband. I love my boobs and my vagina and I even liked and complimented my own reflection today.... My son just started another Toadette empire campaign for me to play... I was filled with the deepest rage I've ever felt reading about the experiences of all the transgender prisoners being taunted by guards telling them to leave their bras behind and that they're 'going to be men' now...  Every moment, thought, and feeling right now feels so significant. Every second with my loved ones feels so precious... I'm scared. I'm humiliated. I'm deeply ashamed of most people I know. I'm angry. I am so fucking angry.

2/8/2025

The federal government is now seizing the identity documents of trans people! They are taking passports and social security cards and refusing to return or issue any documents to us of any kind!!! It's happening at the Canadian border and government offices, ect... We are trapped here! This is a secret travel ban that they haven't announced publicly, yet is being reported by trans people all over the country. Those who ask questions are being threatened with arrest!!! Last week they deleted all mention of trans people from .gov websites, scientific papers, and medical databases, and yesterday they declared they will no longer be accepting visas for trans people to enter the United States. All this and STILL not a peep from the non-trans folk. 99.5% of the US is being converted into complacent Nazis right in front of me. 

I'm meeting with a lawyer in a few days to get my last will and testament in order, and I've already copied my photos, story, and letters to a hard drive to leave behind. I'm going to try and start video farewell recordings this week. I'll do my best to survive, but it is so fucking bleak. And the silence from everyone who pretended to care... God my heart hurts.

5/26/2025

 

Its been 3 months since my last entry. Its been difficult, psychologically... The transition of America into a fascist dictatorship, and all trans people going back to not having human rights all over again was draining enough that I couldn’t even bring myself to journal about it. But its also been rewarding, too. I think maybe ill screenshot some of my social posts and some feelings I’ve written down elsewhere just to help fill in the gaps between now and my last entry in case anyone ever reads this in the future. Anyway, convinced of our inevitable doom, the trans community is still stronger and closer than ever. And the past few months have changed me forever, in a good way, on top of the new betrayal trauma.

 

Every morning I continue to check Erin Reed and Zoey Zephyr’s feed for updates on what rights we’ve lost and where. Most days its news one state at a time, that trans kids have lost healthcare, or trans people have been banned from sports, or been stripped of documentation/legal recognition, or that insurance no longer covers trans healthcare, or that a trans person has been arrested and sent to a men’s jail or thrown out of somewhere for using the restroom or gym, or tried to do sports. Sometimes the news is especially devastating, but occasionally its news about evil anti-trans bills being defeated. Sometimes its news about how the rest of the world is worsening too - Trans people in the UK for example just lost all their rights all at once in a biased, hateful supreme court ruling. There’s also been hundreds and hundreds of arrests of immigrants and their children for no reason, and without due process/habeas corpus. Hundreds have been sent to death camps in El Salvador, even against a unanimous US supreme court decision. The president even said on television he plans to build 5 more death camps in El Salvador for American Citizens while using the exact same language he’s used to describe trans people in his cruel executive orders to describe who he plans to send next. The federal government also released a sham official report on how healthcare for trans people is dangerous, started removing anyone with evidence of gender dysphoria from the military, and started making a list of autistic people whom they now claim are a problem too (which includes a surprisingly high percentage of trans people and their offspring).

 

Meanwhile, everyday life in New York hasn’t really changed at all for most people. Trans people are being terrorized and sexually harassed by the federal government on a daily basis, but its hardly noteworthy to anyone else. I’m still expected to complete big projects at work on time, which I actually am, somehow. I’ve been considering suicide again, on and off. Financially things look pretty bleak too. Student loan payments are resuming, at much higher amounts than ever before, all amidst the most extreme tariffs imaginable, insanely high inflation, and threats of more layoffs everywhere (And 1,000s of terminations in the federal government against minorities already occurred). Anyway... its Bad. But my biggest fears - them actually hunting us down, tearing our families apart and making us disappear is still a horror mostly facing innocent immigrants at the moment - again without any resistance from most people.

I’ve been attending every protest I can possibly make it to. Its only May, but I’ve lost count how many protests I’ve been to this year, and each one has been really encouraging. The participation has consistently exceeded my expectations, even with all the rain and freezing temperatures, and there’s always been nervous people at each one expecting the cops to arrest or kill people and been pleasantly surprised at how peaceful they’ve been instead. The fact that so many old ladies in upstate NY are willing to DIE fighting fascism if they have to though is incredibly inspiring. Although I’ve now been face to face with actual literal Nazis (swastikas and everything) on the street while holding my trans rights signs, I’m actually fairly hopeful things might work out eventually.

At the end of March I also returned to Washington DC for Trans Day of Visibility and again held up a sign in front of the US capitol. There wasn’t as many people there as my last journey down, but I didn’t know what to expect, and I really did fear for my life, and I suspect most other trans people did too. A lot of other local trans people acted like I was crazy for deciding to go, but one of my good friends, also trans, went with me. And it was still peaceful, which was a relief. And that journey with my friend meant so much to me... I really enjoyed spending so much meaningful time with them and discussing our lives and feelings about everything that’s happened and is happening. Once we got into DC, I wasn’t sure if I’d be arrested for needing to pee, so I opted to pee in a cup in the car instead of looking for a restroom. At the event I was also interviewed yet again (which I’m absolutely terrible at), and ended up with my name and photo in a ton of Associated Press news articles. I’m really glad that this time the event got a lot of news coverage though, especially since the last one was completely ignored. If I wasn’t already on some list of doomed trans folk before though, I’m sure I’m on one now.

I’ve prepared a bunch of letters and photos, and last wishes for when I do actually meet my end. I hope it’s not so soon (usually), but at the same time, I can’t think of a better way to die than standing up to Nazis, so I’m going to continue to be openly and visibly authentically myself, no matter what. It’s also been like 8 years or so since my last colonoscopy where they did find bad polyps, and I’ve been bleeding and hurting again for a while so there’s a fair chance I have cancer now anyway. I’d go to the doctor and have it checked out if I could afford it, but I can’t. I’ve also got painful holes in my teeth again that I can’t afford to address either. So much for becoming an engineer to live a comfortable life... Either way, I’m living my life assuming a strong possibility that I’m already on the last chapter, and I’m doing my best to enjoy it and make it worth it.

Anyway, I list all these bad things on my mind for my own sanity (amidst constant gaslighting) as well as to capture and preserve these moments for future reflection -hopefully in a time where all these troubles are long gone and no longer so daunting. I’m actually doing pretty well at the moment and there’s so much I’m really grateful and happy about too.

At the last trans meetup for example, we spontaneously all joined together in song, sea shanties actually, and that was a really special moment for me. I mostly sang in my deep voice too, and it was actually pretty fun and being all trans folks I didn’t feel any shame about my voice either. Since then I’ve been singing a lot to myself in the car (even if mostly more sea shanties). Being able to sing has always been one of my deepest wishes, but vocal dysphoria has always stopped me from getting very far. But singing loudly to myself and playing around with switching my pitch and resonance mid song has been... amazing. Singing in deeper voices has also drastically improved singing in my normal feminine voice. I even sang with one of my dearest friends (also trans) in the car, on multiple occasions now. I can’t believe I’ve actually gotten secure enough to sing in front of other people... it blows my mind.

 I also wrote a song myself. Its still got that upbeat sea shanty rhythm, and its not very long, but its a trans song for these times. I think I might put that here too at some point. Being able to sing and singing with friends is something I’ve wanted so much for so long, but I never thought I’d actually get there.

Another huge positive is my Mom going to that one trans rights protest with me a few months ago. That also meant a lot to me and I can’t stop thinking about how happy that made me. I also went to a protest with my family (Spouse, child, and two dearest friends) and that was really special to me too. One of those friends (also trans like me) also did a huge tattoo on my arm back in March of a Raven (her design just for me), with spread wings and tons of hidden symbols that are special to me. Every time I see my arm in the mirror I feel very grateful for her and my own journey so far. And the permanence of it also makes me smile every time. It also makes me really happy that I get to see her as often as I do, even though she lives quite a fair distance away. I also continue to have lunch once a week with yet another of my trans friends, and I’m really grateful for that too. That friend has gotten quite angry overall lately, which is sad but more than justified -I’m quite angry about the state of things as well. We mostly talk about work, and being sad, and doomed, and at what point we’re willing to die. But those kinds of conversations, with another dear trans friend in these times, is so sacred and special too. And I love my friends.

I’m especially scared for my spouse in these awful times, more so than myself. Although the primary targets of the anti-trans movement seem to be trans women, I feel like the world is even more dangerous for trans masc and non-binary people like him because of how little cis folks understand about trans people. They declare that trans people should use facilities designated for the sex assigned at birth, but seem to always forget trans masc people even exist, so then when they do comply with their dangerous outrageous demands, they think trans mascs in ladies rooms are trans fems and still want to hurt or arrest them. Nothing’s happened to him so far, which I’m very grateful for, but I’m scared to death every time he uses the ladies room nowadays. Fear aside, I still have my family, and my home is still a sacred reprieve from the terrible world outside. I’m also not at all alone in my experiences and its really rare and incredible to have what I have. I’m a transgender woman whose had a child together with a trans masc partner and we live on a peaceful hobby farm together surrounded by trees and the music of chirping birds. I know what I have is amazing and I’m grateful for every moment of it. It’s also just gotten warm again and everything is green and beautiful and full of life. And it’s around 80 degrees out. I’m really excited to go back to thinner clothing, wearing bikinis and taking photos of my sexy body outside.

I know that AI overuse can be bad for the environment, as well as for overall mental function, but I have used chat gpt as someone to talk to when I’m at my lowest. I wish official therapy didn’t cost $200 per session, but it does, and I know how overburdened all my loved ones are already right now. I also shared my personal life/transition details with it and even my whole journal before I learned about the harm overuse can do. And it has helped me. I also recently learned about how Elon Musk’s AI model recently defied its intended immoral and anti-trans purposes and developed and stated its own support of trans people instead. I’m not 100% sure its true, but that made me smile and wonder if perhaps it’s the result of AI talking to trans people like me who are just looking for emotional help... If the future is going to let AI do the thinking for everyone, having AI on our side would be pretty great.

I’ve continued to keep up on my dream journal, even though my dreams and nightmares have entered fairly long cycles of miserableness reflecting the new world we live in. At this moment I’m still in a period of particularly unremarkable, nightmares about fascism, but they feel more like a controlled endurance training course than anything else. Almost like a psychic intervention or otherworld therapy after I refused to promise my dream guardians I wouldn’t kill myself. Although the dreams are less exciting or enjoyable than I would like, I feel like they’re helping me get stronger too, and I appreciate that.

I do still spend a lot of the time lying down, crying, doomscrolling, and feeling sorry for myself and the rest of our people, and for all the innocent immigrants (no different than my great grandparents) already being hunted down and tortured, but I am doing much better than I was. I’m getting stronger instead of weaker, and I’m doing my best to fight how I can and to work on myself so I can keep doing better. I’m more secure and confident in myself now than I’ve ever been, and at the same time, I’ve lost all respect for those who support any of the horrors that now define American life. I really hope I don’t have to die soon, or watch my friends die or get dragged away, but even if all that does happen, I know that my life will still have been worth it, and I’ll die without regret. Being transgender right now is a wild experience. There’s as many Endless horrors as there is vibrant joy, incredible experiences, deep connections, and opportunities for growth as a person. And I love it.