Essay Draft: A brief essay on trans vocal issues,

This is a brief paper I wrote in response to a well-intentioned comment about my occasional vocal volume issues. In case it helps anyone else, here it is: 

A brief essay on trans vocal issues, by RunaMorgen (me, Brennin) 1/29/2022

For many trans women, including myself, some of the most noticeable and most traumatizing damage caused by testosterone in our youth is the permanent thickening and lengthening of our vocal chords. No amount of hormone treatment can reverse the physical harm once it’s been done, and quite unfortunately, one’s voice is often the number one indicator people use when attempting to identify the gender of another person. This often split-second judgment when someone opens their mouth to speak typically forms the foundation of how most people perceive and interact with that person. As much as many of us would like to think of our society as “evolved”, in reality perceived gender still permeates nearly every aspect of social interactions today, resulting in drastically separate poles of biases, expectations, and relations, both consciously and unconsciously.

For those like myself who suffer from voice related “gender dysphoria” the clinical term used to describe the intense psychological distress emanating from incongruity between one’s actual self-perceived gender and characteristics materialized in one’s physical form, overcoming vocal issues is essential (the same is also true for any other manifestation of gender dysphoria!). For some, the only path available for overcoming this distress however is to learn to accept one’s voice as it is. This may sound simple to someone unfamiliar with the level of distress caused by gender dysphoria, but this is actually by far the most difficult path for many, and is sometimes frankly impossible. Accepting something that causes one so much psychological pain can take truly monumentous strength, especially when also facing the inevitability of misgendering by other people, reinforced constantly by subsequent inappropriate attitudes, social interactions, and expectations, possibly for the rest of one’s life. Despite its severity, gender dysphoria by itself generally isn’t the only issue. A gender non-conforming voice can severely add to a trans person’s already high risk of harassment (or even life threatening altercations) from abusive, violent, or simply misinformed aggressors in everyday situations. Facing these multiple sources of trauma without any help can make life unlivable for individuals where the level of distress is simply too much to bear, which is why many trans people can find some level of solace through a good cognitive therapist. Unfortunately, the combination of having sheer goddess level endurance and a therapist isn’t always enough, but there’s really only two other paths available for overcoming the distress of testosterone induced vocal damage, and neither of these other paths are simple or even remotely easy either.

One of these two remaining paths is vocal surgery, which has proven to dramatically improve the quality of life for many trans women, and involves limiting one’s vocal range to only higher pitches. Unfortunately there are tremendous downsides to vocal surgery besides the obvious issue of cost. Even if one does manage to come up with both the funds and the approvals needed to get vocal surgery (huge feats in themselves), recovery poses a huge disruption to everyday activities, and there are incredible risks, including the very real possibility of permanent and severe vocal damage. Even a year after this type of surgery some patients are still unable to talk, and sometimes never fully recover at all. Vocal surgery may also cause one’s voice to permanently sound rough or strained. And even if everything works out perfectly, typical recovery is still about six months.

The other, similarly treacherous path is vocal training. Like most other trans women, I have not had the opportunity to benefit from one-on-one professional vocal training, and have resorted to teaching myself mostly through online material which is littered with lots of damaging and unhelpful advice. Even after years of scouring the internet trying to piece together the most helpful vocal techniques for a chance at a better life, I personally spent well over 1,000 hours practicing my preferred vocal exercises in private to achieve the voice I have today. And for the first 200 or so hours I was hardly successful at all (and like many others, seriously considered giving up speech altogether in favor of ASL), but despite the mental fatigue from years of failure I was determined to keep fighting, every day for years leading up to the day I came out as transgender, and still continue to work on my voice frequently today. Even after I finally did start living fully as my authentic self, my voice has still caused me severe distress, some of the worst moments being where I’ve had to speak more loudly and address groups in louder environments. These are the most difficult times to maintain control over the many factors that affect one’s voice (which someone who’s suffered this type of damage is far more sensitive to). In these situations there’s not only the challenge of monitoring/balancing my pitch and resonance while forcing a higher volume, but there’s also countless distractions, on top of not being able to hear myself enough to have any chance at compensating for any flaws before it’s too late. Unfortunately these types of uncomfortable situations are nearly impossible to completely avoid, and even though infrequent, when I do fail (even minutely) I can literally feel everyone’s perceptions of me change in that moment and it is traumatic. The ability to control one’s voice is also heavily affected by hydration, what foods one eats, and even how recently one eats. One of the reasons I try to avoid eating in front of other people is because I’m afraid of letting my vocal restrictions slip during such a turbulent shift in these variables. For most of my life I also tried to avoid laughing because of how much I hated how my voice used to sound. Even today, each laugh is still stressful as I try to maintain vocal control as strictly as possible. For most of my life when I got hurt, I never screamed, and if I could wish for anything in the world today it would be to be able to sing. Unfortunately even after hundreds or even thousands of hours of vocal training, and all the effort in the world, many trans women are still never able to achieve a voice they are happy with, and even more so without any help from a trained professional. Self vocal training also commonly leads to vocal damage and results can have significant limits compared to receiving qualified one-on-one assistance. Fortunately there are a growing number of vocal professionals with experience in helping trans women, but these resources can still be extremely difficult to find and schedule locally, and the best options are typically very costly with extremely long waiting lists. Vocal training itself is also exceedingly time consuming and requires an incredible level of commitment.

There’s no path through vocal issues for women who have suffered testosterone damage that doesn’t involve considerable effort, and the effort that has already been exhausted is often vastly underestimated or unseen altogether by anyone from the outside. It’s an incredibly arduous struggle that takes more strength than many would imagine. So when a trans woman’s voice seems unusual, or isn’t loud enough, or is a little off in any way please understand that getting to that point still likely requires astronomical levels of work. Feedback is an important tool for improving upon any skill, including ones voice, however one’s voice is also a deeply personal aspect of a person. When providing helpful vocal feedback, it’s of course very important to be respectful and compassionate, but also very helpful to come from a place of understanding. The vocal challenges faced by women who have suffered testosterone damage are vastly different from the typical vocal challenges of others and the solutions to those challenges are similarly unique. Supporting the few paths that do currently exist however, could make a substantial difference, such as ensuring affordable access to mental health care, ensuring affordable access to vocal surgery when necessary, and ensuring affordable access to professional vocal training. Compassion, encouragement, and education can similarly go a long way in helping someone thrive despite vocal challenges.